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My wife is bipolar

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 7/5/2008 2:39 PM (GMT 0)
Hello all,

I have been reading this forum for some time and only now decided to create an account and post a message. We have been married for 15 years and knew each other for another 5 years prior to getting married and we have a wonderful five year old son. My wife is bipolar... It first happened last summer. Last year she had been in and out of the hospital five or six times, called the police on me six times, and got arrested once in downtown Toronto.

So, it is summer again and she is in that same condition. But this time it got worse, much worse. She hates me again, and this time, just to prove that she really hates me and does not want to live with me, she started having sex with total strangers and throwing a pack of condoms into my face asking to count how many left. She is lying, she spends maybe 2 to 3 hours a day at home and the rest of the time somewhere else, spends money on hair cuts, manicures and pedicures, now clothes, and etc. She called the police on me again, reported her mom to the police and children services as being an abusive person and more.

Her current idea is to get rid of me and to make sure that our five year old son does not stay with me. Needless to say that she is not interested/able to take care of him herself, but she does not care... she says that it would be better for him to be raised by someone else.

She has not been working since 2000 and I have been supporting her and her parents all these years. But I am getting tired of this, really tired.

So, I started preparing myself for the separation/divorce... Why did I post this message? I do not know... maybe somewhere deep inside I still have the hope that she would snap out of her condition and that we would once again be a "normal" family...
Posted 7/5/2008 4:37 PM (GMT 0)
Hi baumann93,

Welcome to HealingWell. I'm so sorry to hear of your predicament. It sounds really awful. I'm guessing from your description of her behavior that she is either unmedicated or insufficiently medicated. Does she see a doctor or therapist regularly? It sounds like she is in a full blown manic episode and only close medical attention can really curb that, and the worst cases, as you know, need hospitalization. What is her attitude towards medical help?

I don't blame you for getting weary of putting up with such extreme behavior -- no one would. I think it's probably in your best interest to prepare yourself for a possible separation in any case, even if it doesn't come to that, because she's threatening to take the child away. Speak with a lawyer about your options ASAP.

serafena
Posted 7/5/2008 5:43 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for responding to my message Serafena. My situation is awful and I am not fooling myself into believing that everything will be back the way it was when she was OK.

She is seeing a psychiatrist on a regular basis but that guy is a complete idiot. Here is an example: my wife got released from the hospital (I am talking about the last year events) where they put her on lithium. She came to see him and he said that unless he would observe her manic state himself he would not believe that she was a bipolar. AND he cut her medication by half. Needless to say that one week later my wife was readmitted to the hospital.

Two months ago he told her to increase the amount of lithium and at the same time he told her that it was totally up to her if she would increase it or not. Of course she did not increase. Moreover, she stopped taking it completely last week.

Laws in Canada (Mental Health Act) does not allow to hospitalize someone unless they come to the hospital voluntarily. Two weeks ago I went to the Justice of the Peace and got the Form 2 (hospitalization for the purpose of assessing someone's mental state). They kept her in the hospital for 4 days (max allowed by law) and then she signed herself out "against the medical advice".

Frankly, I ran out of options and I would seek for a legal advice on Monday.
Posted 7/5/2008 8:41 PM (GMT 0)
Baumann93, I am sorry to hear of the troubles your family is having. As a spouse, I can only imagine the heartache. My situation is nothing like what you are describing in terms of the severity. However, as you have observed here on the site...BP is BP, regardless of the level. The only difference is how it manifests. So, from that perspective....I can empathize about your heartache and difficulty with living with a BP spouse who chooses not to be responsible about her condition.

It sounds like unless your wife wants to face HOW ill she currently is, gain help from a proper pdoc, get stabilized on proper meds...etc., there is not much you can do. If you are not able to fully participate in her wellness team, and she is clearly not going to do it for herself, protecting yourself and your child is ALL that is within your power to do. That is very sad, and I am sorry for you. My best feedback at this moment is to seek legal advise AND take action to gain full custody of your child under these conditions immediately. You must think about how this is affecting him to have a mother this unstable. The sooner he is out of that situation, the better. Stability and consistency is all that should matter now. His mom is quickly loosing the right to be your priority. She is a grown woman, and illness or not, MUST be held accountable for the choices she makes.

It sounds like you have done all you can to support her, and there is NO shame in letting go. The fact is, YOU count too. This is no life, let alone, if she is sleeping with others...how safe is your life going to be? HIV/AIDS is still out there (condoms can fail!)...let alone another HOST of other things. NO ONE has to put up with this kind of treatment. Your life counts too. Your needs, wants and happiness matter TOO.

May you make healthy wise choices from this day forward solely focused for you and your child. You will heal from this and there will by joy in your future. LFW

Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 7/6/2008 7:44:56 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 7/7/2008 7:47 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, I wish I had advice for you. I am so new to this disorder and I don't feel educated in it enough yet to offer any advice. However, I did just want to say that you are in my thoughts and that you must do what is best for you and you child. That is what is most important at this point.
Posted 7/14/2008 3:33 AM (GMT 0)
It is time for you to draw the line in the sand and not enable your very sick wife anymore. There can be no saving of your marriage (if that's even still a possibility) as long as she's ill. You cannot "negotiate with terrorists" to use an analogy. She is an adult, so your options to get her help are limited. It sounds like you're stretched to the breaking point, and you have a child to consider. That's where all your energy needs to be focused. If you change your relationship dynamics, you'll be amazed how much more clarity it will give you.
Posted 7/14/2008 4:02 AM (GMT 0)
I don't even know where to begin. Normally I am all for sticking it out when it comes to marriage...the whole sickness and health thing...but after reading your post I don't know if that would be best for you. Above all else you need to think of your child. In this situation it would be best for your child to be away from her because of how severe she is and because of her refusal to get help. Unmedicated people with mental illness can be very dangerous. I don't know how much you've read up on the disease, but if you haven't you should and you would see what I'm talking about. I don't mean to leave you out of the equation, I mean you obviously have to take care of yourself too and I think you're realizing that now, but you're a grown man and can take care of yourself....your child is not and desperately needs you now. The only thing I could see as a problem is the fact that she's had you arrested numerous times, or called the cops on you. You didn't really go into that so I don't know what all went down, but she could use that against you in court. Definitely seek legal council immediately. If you haven't already make sure you document everything...hospital stays, any outbursts, bills from her spending...I'm assuming she's spending your money since you said you support her, anything that would show her disease, how severe it is, and her refusal to get help. If you can please keep us updated and take care of yourself. *hugs*
Posted 7/14/2008 1:46 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Bauman

I am so sorry for your situation. Yes your wife needs a new doctor, help, and a better med schedule.But she already has one thing she cannot do without even if she does not realize it, you.

Proper treatment of this disease requires very competent medical help. But a supportive spouse does wonders to help control this disease. I applaud your commitment, and grieve with you in your pain.

Good luck

Cap
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