For LFW

YOU ALL ARE SO KIND.  Thank you for your words of support and care.  I do hear what you are saying and do believe it.  On the flip side, it is still so hard on a daily basis at times.  My H has spent a few days toggling between incredible moments of kindness and support and wanting to be with me, to critical - accusitory - irritation with me at the drop of a hat.  It is all somewhat subtle of course, and to the naked eye...he would just seem like an annoyed H.  But given this back and forth...never knowing what reaction or person I will be dealing with...and that it toggles so consistantly...NEVER stays one for long....I am tired of it.  So even the good stuff is only getting limited response from me.  It doesn't change anything when it is pleasant...it is just a resbit.  But I am fearing I am just getting too lonely and may stop caring to some degree soon.  I truely fear this happening.  But I feel myself burning out as the family demands go up.  I am very sad at the moment just thinking about it. 

Plus, as it turns out, my new therapist understands more about all this than inicially thought.  He is currently in the process of divorcing his BP wife of 25 years.  He's met someone and says the difference is night and day because she is healthy and whole.  Something new for him after so many years of being beaten down by the situation.  He still feels his soon to be ex is a fanominal worman...and cares deeply for her....but he simply was too lonely and tired of dealing with the BP.  He is very supportive I stay in my marriage, that his situation has nothing to do with mine (his kids are grown - it is my life not his...etc.)...but, he wanted me to understand that as I rant and rave during the session crying out about the loneliness I feel, the anger at the unfairness of the treatment I feel I consistantly get...even my own disappointment in the fact that I can't really enjoy the good moments fully anymore - as a know a zinger could be right around the corner so I have gone somewhat numb totally adding to my own unhappiness.  He REALLY gets it.

As to my kids....my oldest has gone back to doing better when he finally gave in and started to regulate his sleep.  That has helped quite a bit.  My youngest S...well, as there have been a few issues come up at camp...the idea that we are looking at another BP is now fully on the table to evaluate now.  (THIS IS BREAKING MY HEART) and I wonder if I have the stamina to cope with yet another BP in my house.  My D seems okay, but holding a conversation with her can be a challenge she bounces around and never stays on any one subject even while you are trying to discuss something important with her...and I am so tired of challenges of keeping her on track that my patience is low.  So as I try to keep it all together...I feel sad for her to not have a mommy who seems joyous and patient with her.  What must I be teaching my kids who I love so much being this overworked, overwhelmed and numb.  I have thought about meds for me...only I don't see how meds will change my realities.  I am coping well with them, I have them in perspective.  I'm just lonely and sad about it.  But, I am discussing the possiblities anyway. 

Thanks for listening.  It really means so much to me that you care.  I smiled when I read your post of love and support.  A hightlight in my day.  HUGS to you all...LFW

Dear LFW,

I'm really sorry to hear about all that you are going through. I'm so very glad that you have found a therapist for yourself and are able to talk things through. I wish you nothing but strength, wellness and wisdom as you work through all of these very important issues in your life.

I'm very thankful that you share so much of what life is like for you, living with someone who has bipolar. Since I met you here on healingwell I've learned how hard you work at trying to be supportive to your husband & son who have bipolar. I know it is difficult when you have to live day in and day out with someone who has bipolar and they are still trying to find some stability in their own life. You have tried so hard and been through so much and I understand your feelings of losing hope and feeling so alone and lonley. Again, I wish you all the strength and wisdom in the world to get through this.

It sure makes me think twice about how my husband must feel too at times.

I'm glad that we are able to give support back to you for all the support that you give us around here. We sure do learn a lot from each other around here from both sides of the fence.

(((BIG HUGS)))...Keep posting!

Dear LFW,

BREATHE indeed, as you always tell me to do.  I am sending my warmest hugs for you.  I too of course have a sense of what a wonderful, and strong devoted mother you are.  I cannot imagine how painful it is knowing that your children are facing these symptoms.  It is understandable that you are overwhelmed.  I take such comfort in knowing that your children have a mother who is so knowledgeable about these illnesses and so empathetic.  Your love, support and guidance is going to ensure that they all will have a path of as much wellness as possible.

I am so glad that you have a therapist.  As for the loneliness, I understand that awful feeling.  I've experienced this in past realtionships and definitely in the one I'm in now.  It has really led me to doing some thinking lately b/c of my age, thinking I would be settling.  It's an important point.  For you, although you've been married for so many years, if you are feeling less than happy in your marriage now...what if you could find happiness again in whatever direction.  I'm not advising anything --just hoping you have what you truly deserve.

I apologize if I'm not making much sense; my symptoms are currently taking over.  Anyway, I am in your corner (we all are).  Please keep us posted.

Love & hugs, Mogs.