Reaching out

Morning,

I wish you well today.  Occasionally focus on "Mother Nature".  She helps to get grounded and it is something beautiful to think and be with.  Create yourself a nice day.

I want to thank you all so much for your support.  I feel bad it's taken me so long to reply.  I'm still depressed, and my pdoc's secretary never got back to me with an appointment.  I spoke to her four times on the phone and nothing.  Now they are off on holidays for this week, back the next.  To say the least, I'm not impressed.

The stress I've been under has been absolutely awful.  Definitely not happy in my relationship anymore and I think that's what's getting to me the most right now.  It's actually breaking my heart into a million pieces.  I love him so much, so so much.  This hurts deeply.  I'm just not getting what I want and need from him.  I don't feel that we're deeply in love with each other.  We love each other, but I feel that we basically co-exist in our day to day lives.  We met with a realtor about two months ago to see what we need to do to buy a home--we are about a year away from that goal.  However, he makes almost 3 times what I make and we haven't got a penny saved.  I keep trying to put my money away each pay I get, but my car has cost me $600 in the last month; paying the bills; groceries; rent...I just can't ever put anything away b/c I make so little.  He has extra money that he could put away, but he spends it.

He never, ever asks me how I'm feeling bp symptom-wise.  Ever.  I feel that he doesn't care about that at all.  Truly.  Beyond that I want to much to feel adored.  I want to feel like he misses me when we're apart (which isn't often or for long periods, but still...)  I want him to tell me I'm beautiful and that he cherishes me.  I want him to want to hold me.  Something else has changed recently.  He has become completely obsessed with what is "secretly and truthfully" going on in this world (governent/9/11 etc.)  He talks to me about it and I listen.  And I do have an open mind and have some interest for sure.  But it has taken over his entire being.  It is all he cares about, thinks about, talks about.  When I go to bed at night he's on the computer/reading books for hours.  It's all extremely depressing.  I feel like he can't be positive about one single thing.  He is constantly being critical and negative about everything.  I am not using the words constantly and everything lightly.  I mean it.

I don't see a future with a blissfully happy wedding and us making each other happy in our life together.

Here is the hard part.  I can't bring myself to talk to him about this.  I am thinking about these things all day long, and I know what would happen if I told him how I felt.  He's very sensitive, and has a temper.  He would be angry and it would all be about me making him out to be a big jerk.  In that regard he is completely immature.

Anyway, I'm sorry to go on about my relationship on this board.  It is effecting my bp, big surprise.  I'm just not strong enough to say goodbye, or I just don't want to because it would hurt so much.   

Mogs, I only have a moment but wanted to offer some input.  I will do them bullet point style.

1. Do not apologize for sharing what you are going through right now.  While this site is BP based, it is about the lives of BP's and how life affects it all.  So, we are here to listen and support....no apologies necessary.
2. If you are seeing the limitations to the love and relationship you are in, and if you can see that clearly your needs are not getting met, and it is not skewed by the BP filter....then I say BRAVO for being brave enough to confront the truth and be willing to acknowledge it.  The feelings you are describing are VERY normal, and while I understand your quandary about how to effectively speak to the bf about it, it is STILL "Good for YOU!"
3. Now how to speak to the bf...don't. Write him a note perhaps expressing that it is time you have an important talk.  Tell him of your love for him, but there are things that are not working for you, and therefore require serious consideration as to the direction ultimately long term the two of you should take together.  You ask him for a time that would be good to sit down and discuss things.  This does a few things, lets him know there is an issue, lets him hear that you are coming from love for you both, and lets him emotionally prepare for the talk.  Express this is as much about your care for his ultimate happiness as your own.
4. Lastly, the issue of your BP and how he won't deal with it.  The fact is Mogs, you are one of the ones trying to really be responsible about it.  To be open and honest.  Okay, maybe sometimes you hyper focus on it and feel like every bad feeling you have is connected to it, but the things you seem to want from him about it has always seemed quite reasonable to me.  The fact that he wants to lead your lives with "0" attention on it has always seemed unbalanced to me.  The fact is, it is a part of your lives, and if you have to pretend for him that it is not so he is comfortable....then YOU my dear are simply doing TOO much of the work - Your relationship will NEVER have balance if he isn't sharing in the work load.  Now, with that said, I don't think it should be in the mix with everything...but what you seem to crave seems like a decent balance.  So take this feedback how you wish in the decisions you are working to make for yourself at this time.

I'm sorry your pdoc office is behaving like putz's, shame on them for not responding.  Hang in there kiddo...you really are doing just wonderful overall, even if it doesn't feel so good.  Sometimes the right decisions are not always the easy ones.  They don't initially make us feel good.  Make a plan; follow through with what YOU want and it best for you.  Deep caring and abiding love can exist in a friendship too; maybe that is where you and your bf are best suited in time.  We're here if you need us.  HUGS....LFW