Bipolar Husband Seems w'out Moods w'everyone but wife

My husband seems to be able to socialize with friends but not myself or son.  When we visit with him, he is detached, quiet and irritable with me.  I'm always walking on eggshells but he is able to be with friends at the movies without a problem.  When we went as a family, he said he was somewhat anxious and uncomfortable.  Does this make sense to anyone?  Also, I recommended this site to him and he went on once to give advice to someone else but not join.  His pdoc also recommended him to join a site as this, but he isn't doing it - just said that it felt good helping someone else on the site with his "wisdom".  I saw his therapist as I want to announce to him a formal separation and she told me not to just yet!!!  I can't live with this anymore.  The moods, misplaced anger towards me, etc.  HelP!

Tks! I want to leave him in the sense of no longer being married but I will be there for him when he is open to it. It's tough visiting with him these days but the strange thing is that when he was released 2 weeks after our first weekend together (I had him over all day sat and sun) it was fine - I felt good. But for some bizarre reason it s gone away. I think for whatever reason he no longer trusts me anymore. now that is also upsetting because before I was an amazing woman and now I clearly am not. I would hate to be the next person is his path of anger if he goes off his meds again.

Serafena if you are out there, give me a line - you always have the best, softest advice!

JH, you're not alone. I to am a wife to a BP (and a mother to a son with it). Much of the time I feel the same interesting dynamic...he can pretty much hold it together with everyone else, but I seem to receive the brunt of everything (or our oldest son...although these days...his moodiness seems to in some ways be stretching to include the younger ones in small ways.) He is NEVER violent, or excessively cruel...i.e. name calling, threats, vicious attacks – although he can get very unkind...etc....but it is mostly just the relentless and consistentness that it is ALWAYS something one of us is doing that is irritating him, frustrating him, being "inconsiderate" to him....victim! And when he is not playing victim and then punishing me/us for it, he is snarling and turning everything into a power struggle, argument, berating or in general being short and distant...even when there is no reason. He, like your husband does not see this in himself. I am at a phase in this marriage of great loneliness. He is also regulated on his meds, is responsible about it in that he takes his meds regularly - sees all the appropriate docs regularly - etc. But NEVER has he elected to get totally responsible or educated to this BP he has – how it manifests even though he is regulated on the medication – therefore how to be responsible about it and control himself. Now, I say that without blame...as I am not angry at him for being a man with BP – he didn’t choose it any more than I did, but I totally understand not wanting to live like this anymore too…I can totally empathize with you - love for our spouses or not. For me, I have not elected to leave...but to be honest; I don't think HIS therapist has a right to tell you not to. BP affects not only the one with it, but those of us who love them and live with them too. YOU have a right to choose out without judgment from ANYONE else. There is no shame in this IMO. This is without exception a hard life to live. Regardless of the level of BP you are dealing with.

Again, I say this to you dealing with a milder level of BP compared it would seem to most (although still not easy) – mine is still an honest man, never cheats, lies, excessively spends, is ever violent, or battling an addiction of alcohol (or some such thing). It is just relentless, never ending “STUFF”. But, if I ever decide to leave, then I would do it when I felt the time was right for me. I count too after all, just as much as he does = and so do you my dear…so do you.

SO, if you are SURE that is what you want…YOU decide when and go to his therapist and tell him WHEN and ask for support and help for your H, and even to help you tell him if you need that. If he tells you to wait, you respectfully say NO if you want to. You tell him to help or not, but you will now do what you need for you. You remind him that while your spouse may be his patient…to some degree, so are you, and you & your needs count too.

My best wishes for you to the outcome you desire and deserve for you – regardless of what it is. All that is for you to decide for yourself…and remember - there is no right or wrong no matter what you choose. Just be as compassionate, fair and responsible in the choices you make as you can to all involved. LFW

Actually, my husband was hospitalized for 6 weeks, assaulted 2 nurses causing stitches and fractures and off meds believes that we are host bodies to aliens and wanted to take my son and I to a higher level of ascension. In my view, theres only one way to go there and I choose not to.

JH-- Thank you so much for your vote of confidence. That's very sweet. I'm sorry I was MIA for a day.

I am concerned that his therapist would ask you to continue putting you and your son at risk if you're ready to go. You have to go with your instincts. Your husband's behavior is an unknown -- I'm not surprised that he can't be himself around you either. He is able to hide his illness around his friends but not with you because you're the one person who is consistently pushing him about it. You are still an amazing woman; you've been putting up with a LOT and when you've worked this all out somehow, you'll look back and see.

  Hi there, I understand your pain. I have been married to a man for 38 years the last 15 which have been a nightmare!! He is bi-polar but starts and stops meds every few months and cant focus on anything for a long period of time. On top of that is binge drinks and in the past 2 months has been gone 2-3 days evry few days. He comes back sorry and depressed but as soon as he is alone he is gone again. I cant save him from himself and I have to try to save me.