Just Learning About My Wife

After 14 years of marriage, my wife has told me she thinks she's got some form of mood disorder. I'm not sure if it's correct. I'm trying to learn about it.

From a very early time when we were dating, she was prone to depressive episodes. She would display the usual symptoms. She got some help early on and she seemed to stabilize. But, for the next 15 years of her life or so, she's been on sort of a frantic search for something. At first it was church. Then it was teaching our kids. Now it's the arts. She's been going through some significant transitions that I think many people go through in their mid/late 30s.

For a long time I took her perpetual discontentment personally. I was frustrated and confused. I felt like I was devoting everything I had to her and our kids, but she was always yearning for something else. But, it was never clear what that was. If we were on a beach, she'd yearn for the mountains. If we were in the mountains, she'd yearn for the beach.

Now she's in a phase of self-discovery and thinks she needs treatment. I'm optimistic about it. I just want to know if she's right.

Her personality is she's often agitated. She has trouble just relaxing and focusing on the people around her except in certain situations, like when she's among strangers who she shares an interest with. She has obsessive tendencies. When she drills in on something, like her current interest, it consumes her. She is aware of it, but after a very intense year or so of drama, I've decided I have to pull back and stop pressuring her to tend to my needs. All it did was drive her further away.

Looking at it in a simple way, you could conclude that she's looking for greener pastures and isn't happy with her life. From my perspective, it feels like she's losing interest in our relationship, but intellectually, I don't think she is. There are other complicating factors that are adding up to an intense need to find her own way as a confident, independent grown woman. I'm just trying to separate what I think is possible a medical condition she's dealing with and everything else.

So with that background, do some people with mood disorders behave this way (withdrawn, obsessive, frantic, etc.); often in a state of unrest? I appreciate any thoughts.

Post Edited (Arlo) : 8/21/2008 10:23:28 PM (GMT-6)

Thank you for the reply.

I sort of question her mood disorder self-diagnosis because I don't see the extreme behaviors that are associated with it. I see a couple of things...

I know she suffers from depression. I also know she has issues with having a personality that wants to please people. She feels like she's made a lot of major decisions based on expectations. She's just now in her mid 30s realizing she has a full spectrum of choices. Some of that has made me uneasy, because she's getting way down into the fundamentals of her existence, like "why am I married? Why am I a mother? Why am I hauling kids to soccer practice?" I can't answer those things for her, but I've felt insecure about the whole thing.

I'm hopeful that she's just going through a natural state of coming to terms with her mortality, her decisions and maturing into a confident adult. I've switched from being her insecure nag to her cheerleader and I hope that helps her. Still, there might be things I'm not aware of and I'm happy to find resources like this to educate myself and be a better husband for her.