Question about bipolar boyfriend

Hello, I was with my boyfriend for 3 years who is bipolar. During the relationship he was jealous, controlling, and always accusing me of sleeping around. I stayed because he was not like that all the time and I wanted to understand Bipolar more so that I could understand him more. He abandoned the relationship in April and came back 2 weeks later having joined the Army. He's 43 and this is his 3rd time in the Army. He was in the reserves when we met but got out b/c he said he didn't want to be in the Army anymore. He said he lied on his app that he did not have bipolar, but he has been treated at several va's for it. The last time, was right before he joined again. His rank is E4.

He got stationed in texas about 2 months ago and asked me to marry him then. I said yes if he would go to counseling, get back on his meds, and work on any other issues he's having. He said he would, but that he wanted to marry me before he left for Iraq in February. So I got a dress and started making plans to go to there to marry him. Meanwhile, I noticed his mood started changing and he said re-enlisting had been a big mistake and that he wanted out of the Army again. He had a crack problem before we met, but says Army stresses is making him smoke it again. First in July and then last month.

I called off the wedding due to the crack smoking and he said he knew he had problems, but that he didn't to lose me, and to please reconsider marrying him. He said he wanted and needed me to come down to Texas. I told him I didn't want drugs in our future and asked him what was he going to do. He said he'd get help on that too. He kept asking about the wedding, so I told him that I would come see him and pack my dress just in case. We had several conversations over the next few days, but they were filled with tension and I kept trying to cheer him up. He said he was trying to think of a way out of the Army on a medical discharge, going AWOL, or letting them find drugs in his system. Then he just sent a text saying he wasn't going to do anything and that he wanted out for good. I thought he was talking about the Army so I called later that night and didn't get any answer. I tried calling a few more times, but it's been over 2 weeks now and I haven't heard a thing.

I was going to go to Texas w/in days of him just shutting me out and I'm so heartbroken all over again. I don't know if he's in a depression, was just playing mind games or what. We were living together and shared an email account. Geico sent an email saying his insurance is about to be canceled and I'm shocked to know he may not be even paying his bills. Could he be in a depression? I want to reach out to him but I'm afraid of getting rejected again. I am taking the steps to move on with my life, but I wanted to know what others thought of the situation. I would appreciate any thoughts you're willing to share with me. Thank you so much, Tamara

Hi Pinkie1272 and jrb,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board. I'm going to respond to you both in kind, because you have similar sorts of issues. I think there's one very important thing spouses need to understand about bipolar (and understand that I have bipolar, so I speak as one who lives with it daily) It is NOT just the sickness that makes your loved ones act cruelly towards you. That is an excuse they may use. But I guarantee that if they chose to control themselves and behave themselves they could. There are many of us on this board who do not act that way. We love and respect our families, act with the same kindness and love towards them that they deserve. That's not to say that we don't occasionally snap, lose patience, have mood swings, yell, etc, but we see doctors and therapists, take our medicines -- in other words we GET HELP to try and be the best people we can be. That is the choice we have made.

jrb -- you are being ABUSED. There is no excuse for abuse. Even with the bipolar. You and your wife need help. What are you teaching your children by taking her beatings and allowing her violence? She needs help for her illness right away and you need to get therapy. You don't need to get divorced, but you do need to have a much better understanding of what you are up against and how best to help her. Letting her abuse you is doing no one any good and you are doing harm to your children.

Pinky -- Your fiance needs help also, and you are right to question whether you want to be linked to a lifetime of irrational behavior like suddenly joining the army and smoking crack. The man needs a lot of help -- far more than you can give. He needs to be seen by a psychiatrist and probably hospitalized for a while. I understand that you love him, but put some more distance between you and ask if it's worth it.

I hope you don't mind my blunt tone. I mean only the best.
serafena

I understand, Jrb, that you feel constrained because of your religious beliefs and your role in the community. That doesn't change the medical side of what you're dealing with, and your denial isn't helping anyone. I understand you love her and don't want to lose her and are afraid of divorce. Nonetheless, you are being abused, and it's not simply the bipolar which makes her act that way. She must get help. If you are willing to just keep living on like this, then fine, that is your choice, but I think you're making a big mistake. You're telling her everyday that it's okay to behave this way and you're showing your children that the way to deal with abuse is to just take it. And they live on eggshells with an unpredictable parent. Perhaps before you decide to do anything, you should get some therapy to help you make the decisions about how to proceed. No one has to know you are seeing a therapist. It is a private interaction.

all the best,
serafena

by the way,
please don't write in all caps -- it denotes yelling, and is hard to read. Thanks.

Thank you Serafena. It's going on 3 weeks and I think he's left for good. Plenty of times during the relationship I've wondered if it was worth it. He kept asking me to work with him and that he would get back on his meds. But he never stayed on his meds for long. He was always quitting jobs and we were always breaking up only for him to come back remorseful and wanting to change. The changes never lasted long. Before long, he'd be back to accusing me of sleeping around, putting words in my mouth, or otherwise bringing constant turmoil to the relationship.

After a really nice concert he disappeared smoking crack the next day. This was the first time. He's smoked it twice more that I know of. He's kicked my dog and choked me on my birthday. He would usually accuse me of sleeping around right before I feel asleep which left me awake and fuming for hours. He's stolen from me and destroyed my property.  My car broke down and he tried to sell everything including the gas in it. I said no when I found out, but the people he dealt with came back and towed/stole my car anyway. I never found it and am without a car for now.  

The day before he disappeared in April he had asked me to love and trust him again saying that he was all right and that he needed me in his life. He asked me to call him back and when I did he wouldn't talk to me for 2 weeks. When he did respond, he said he had been soul searching and had rejoined the Army. He said he lied on his app that he was not BiPolar, but he has been in and out psych wards all of his life. He has also been in treatment at several VA facilities.

This time he kept asking me to marry him only to turn around and send a text saying he wanted out for good. Because he kept complaining about having rejoined the Army again, I truly thought he was talking about them. Before he left, that's all he kept complaining about. The Army and the people he had to work with. about 2 weeks before he shut me out, he was supposed to be looking for a wedding suit and having his finger sized. Instead he said he got a call for extra duty that weekend and it sent him off to go smoke crack again. That's when I called off the wedding.

For days he begged me to reconsider, saying again that he didn't want to be in the Army. They were having a change of command that he said was also stressing him out. He said he was uncomfortable with the timing of the wedding which was the same week as the change of command. I told him that's okay that I would come to be near him anyway. He kept calling with different stresses and I told him not to take things so seriously. That things were going to be okay. The next day he sent the text saying he wanted out for good.

He said he needed me in TX and I thought of going anyway. But I just tried to call several times and then just left him alone. That was almost 3 weeks ago. Since then, a friend saw his ad on an online dating site. It was set up about a week b/f he disappeared on me. He has checked that he's looking for both males and females, and I think I'm still too stunned to think the worst. Wanting to believe he's been manic since rejoining the Army, and his drug use and online ad are all signs. The truth is this whole thing just doesn't look or feel good.

I've entered counseling b/c I am isolated without a car or anybody in the world to talk as I try to get back on track. I also have my own issues that I've been wanting to deal with for quite awhile. My first session was yesterday and my counselor is BiPolar. She may have even put into motion a job opening for me:). I'm glad that happened b/c it lets me know that not everyone with BiPolar is as irresponsible as my ex was. I still love and want to be with him, but his issues are beyond anybody but him and God right now. Thank you for suport and welcoming me to the board. Tamara