I'm having a rough couple of days

Hello all! I'm brand-new to the group. I just found it today in a desperate search for some support. I am the "spouse" of a man with what I/we believe is Bipolar I. He is in a very deep depression this week - the second time in a month. I have been in a relationship with him for nearly 4 years and I'm so tired and lonely. There are so many days where I believe that if I hadn't said that one thing, or if I had remembered to do that thing he asked, then he wouldn't be so depressed or angry. I've come to feel uncomfortable when I have the "real him" because I know the derisivness and anger are going to follow. How do you cope in the dark times and not feel it's all your fault? I have tried everything from fighting back, to staying quiet to finally living in a seperate household altogether. I have panic disorder and an ulcer from this - which I have in the past year just been able to cope with and get under control.

I should mention he is diagnosed but unwilling to medicate at all (with the exception of klonopin) because he believes he will lose his artistic and musical abilities.

Any help, words of wisdom, websites to visit would really be appreciated.

 

Hello mongruad,

Welcome to HealingWell. I think you've found a good place to vent some of your frustration and get some support for what you're going through. There are lots of people here dealing with bipolar spouses which is just not easy. I think your first step is to get some help for yourself. You're suffering very real effects from trying to deal with his moods. Are you in therapy? If not, I would really recommend it. And if you're having panic attacks, I hope you have some medication of your own to try and calm those down -- a mild anti-anxiety drug? Have you seen a doctor? You're no good for him if you're coming loose yourself.

As to the bipolar, it is almost impossible to manage when it's untreated. His moods will continue to be unpredictable and will probably even worsen with time. I hate to be the harbinger of bad news, but that's the truth of it. As Simon said though, it is possible to be medicated and still creative -- I'm a writer. I can't consistently write -- when I'm depressed, I'm useless -- but then that would be the case if I were not medicated anyway. It depends on the drugs, and he would just want to make it clear to the docs that he doesn't want to be doped up or over sedated. But, it sounds like he's a headstrong person, and you may have to just live with his decision.

To that end, let me recommend the book "Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder" by Julie A Fast and John D. Preston.

Here's one short website:
www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=about_helping

Here's another about caregiving for bipolars
www.bipolarhelpcenter.com/caregiver/caregiver.jsp?reqNavId=3

I'm not sure how helpful either will really be.

Good luck and keep in touch. Let us know how you're doing and how things are going. You might even encourage your spouse to join the board.

serafena

Hi there and welcome.  What you need to concentrate on is taking care of yourself and staying in good health.  Unfortunately if he is denying his diagnosis and refusing to go on medication, there is not going to be much you can do about the situation.  I hope he can begin to see the seriousness of the situation and agree to start seeing a therapist and getting onto the right meds.

Good for you. I really believe you need to take care of yourself first. That's the only way to have a clear head about how to take care of someone else. I worry about this ulcer and the vomiting. You're really worrying yourself sick. When was the last time you saw a doctor about the ulcer?

serafena

Dear mongruad,

I wish I could tell your spouse how much medication helps with artistic abilities. I used to write reams of garbage when I was undiagnosed (I come from an Indian family where talking about psychiatric problems is taboo). I have now started writing something constructive. Earlier even when I wrote excellent term papers I was never able to do anything with them (i.e. translate my literary talent to a career). My illness bogged me down. I wrote essays for friends who got into Ivy Leagues. I could not do the same for myself because I became depressed during my application period. Today all my friends are earning six figure salaries and leading independent lives. I have just started leading a normal life with medication and I am living with my parents. I have lost many friends due to my illness and many men who wanted to marry me ended up with someone else. There is nothing brave about not wanting to get an illness treated. It is foolhardiness. There is nothing glorious about dying like Virginia Woolf. If Leonardo Da Vinci could have taken medication and completed his works, he would have done so. I wish your spouse could see reason and improve his life.

Sheeba