I'm new and looking for some guidance?

My husband hasn't officially been diagnosed, but my sister has BD and he's taken several online tests to explain his erratic behaviour and depressive states and we're certain he has SOME kind of mental illness (an psychiatric intake worker confirmed this much).

He told me that he doesn't love me anymore and we have 2 small kids. Is this common before someone is diagnosed to not have feelings for a spouse?  He's had a lot of drinking/drug relapses and is looking at going into treatment. But he keeps saying it like he needs to remind me that he doesn't love me.

 

I'm willing to go through this with him as long as he's seeking treatment and wanting help and he hasn't physically left me and the kids but it's so confusing. He keeps saying "well, I haven't left yet, doesn't that tell you anything?" and then tells me another day or days later that he doesn't love me anymore and he should move out, get his own place so that our 1 yr separation b/f divorce can start.  I know he's not going anywhere anytime soon. He doesn't even look for places to move to and has never packed his bags. The one time I packed his bags for him, he didn't want to leave......

  It's so confusing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Tyno,

Your insight is very helpful. My husband is BP II/ADHD and I have a few questions I am hoping you can help me with. Is it common for the person suffering with BP to blame their own hurtful behaviour and comments on their spouse? Are you saying that this is uncontrollable? Because I was thinking that therapy helps one learn how to control some of the emotions that so often seem to spiral out of control. When things calm and I try to talk with my husband about why he says certain hurtful things, or how he can say them, is this just a waste of time and energy on my part? Am I just making him feel guilty when what I'm really trying to do is share with him how we can makes things better, if he would just understand. I am trying to help him see what he is doing that keeps causing the neverending cycle of hurt and pain. Do you have any advice on how to talk with him? My husband also makes up things that he thinks are said or done to him, and no one that I know enjoys being falsely accused or misjudged or misperceived, etc...is this something that will never go away? Can you please help me understand this? We have a beautiful family and I love my husband very much and I don't think he is hurting us deliberately at all, but at some point we are all responsible for our own actions and words.

Thank you so much,

4support

Dear Serafena,

OK, let's say I change the way I talk with my husband about his hurtful rants toward me. Even when he is saying things that are untrue, irrational or distorted, he keeps telling me that...he means them, he knows why he feels that way, no one is going to tell him how to feel, he is right, I am wrong, etc...I am in a flurry of emotional feeling in response wondering...why would he say those things to me? How can he be so hurtful? Why is he making up things that I am not doing or saying to him? Later on, he either refuses to talk about the incidents, expects things to go on as though nothing happened, expects me to forget and not be hurt, blames his own behaviour on me, or justifies some reason for his behaviour, which is also hurtful. He chastises me when I even mention that he may want to speak with his therapist, or that I don't think he is acting as himself - he is defensive with everything. Rather than look at me as a well meaning wife, he tells me I am 'labeling' him, 'always using his therapy as a crutch', 'trying to find something wrong with him that isn't'. He just doesn't seem receptive one way or another. I just feel as though I'm in a Catch-22.

We have seen 3 marriage counselors in the past, and the first one was great. But my husband accused the therapist of "siding with me" and being "my YES man", rather than look inward at himself as the therapist was asking him to do. He seems to find fault with everyone who tries to help. He is a very difficult man. Nevertheless, I will see if I can get him to see another therapist with me. I definetely need to see one on my own too, I am beginning to feel depressed everytime there is an incident, I just feel horrible and can hardly recover.

Many thanks again for your insight,

4support

Um, hello? Hi... ya, sorry to sound rude, but I'm curious about my original question?

Is it normal for him to tell me he doesn't love me?  I want to tell him to leave but i'm afraid to be alone.  But if he really doesn't love me then it will make it easier....i guess i don't want to push him away if what he's feeling isn't true right now...???

Hey BD,
I can tell you this from my experience, as I'm sure a lot of others can too. Yes that is pretty typical for them to say those things to you. My wife has said things to me as well as others that are just unimaginable. I've heard it all. Her mother (who has been on dialasys for 6 years, almost completely blind & waiting on a kidney transplant) was told the other day that she(my wife) wishes that she (her mother) would go ahead & die so she would be out of our house (her mother has lived with us since Oct when my wifes father died). A couple of weeks ago I took my wife to the E.R. because she had been threatening killing herself all day. This made her mad beyond belief, because she was just playing one of her games, not expecting me to react like that. Anyway, at the E.R. she told me she hopes I got a job as a cop(I had applied a few weeks before that) so maybe some crackhead would blow my head off. So as you can see, yes they can say some things that will just floor you. The trick is to realize that this is not them, but their condition & to stay calm. I know it's is next to impossible to do sometimes, but you can do it. Sadly, you have to detatch yourself emotionally when they get like this, otherwise you won't make it through.

Best of wishes to you
Rocket

Best of wishes to you

Hi Grandmahas8babies,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board. It's good to hear that your treatment plan has made a good difference for you. We always love to hear those positive stories. Thanks for joining.

serafena

     SERAFENA,

     THANK YOU FOR YOUR HEART WARMING WELCOME!!  I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR SOMEONE OR SOME SUPPORT GROUP FOR AGES.....I'M NOT COMPUTER SAVY AT ALL!!  BEFORE THIS 1ST PART OF THIS WEEK ALL I COULD DO WAS CHECK MY E-MAIL AND IF I DID THAT CORRECTLY IT WAS A BIG PLUS FOR THE DAY.   SO IF I DO SOMETHING WRONG ......ANYTHING AT ALL.....AND I TRULY MEAN ANYTHING AT ALL......PLEASE....PLEASE, PLEASE LET ME KNOW...GOD BLESS YOU AND I HOPE 2009 IS THE BEST YEAR YOU'VE EVER HAD......LINDA

Serrafena,

     Good morning and thank you for the info!!!  I honestly didn't know that, but thanks again too you I do now.  Can you please tell me if I capitalize the 1st word of a sentence and the letter I is that wrong????     Thank you so much for your help cuz' I truly wasn't yelling I just thought it was easier for us people who have some sort of degree reading the small print....Please have a great and wonderful day.     God bless you,   Linda  

serfena,

     i'll do my best to do thing right but please tell me if i'm doing something wrong  you will not upset me at all......thanks  linda

Good luck to you BD. You're over the hump, so to speak. Now you know what you're dealing with, and as long as he agrees to the treatment and makes an effort to stay healthy, things will get better.

serafena

BD,   

     I f it's ok my prayers are with you and your family, God bless you.....If I imposed on your beleifs I'm truly and very heartfelt "sorry"      luv-ins and hug-ins     Linda

 

Serafena,

     thanks for all your info.....I'll take or more like drag my husband of 17 years yesterday with me when I go back for my med. eval.  because this time I actually get to meet the head dr. in charge.......and thanks also on the books.....I'm sure all your ifo. will alot......luv-ins and hug-ins      grandmahhas8gbabies