Sukay how are you?

Sukay, I just saw you on the boards and realized we haven't seen you in what feels like a long time.  HOW ARE YOU?  How have things been in your world? Hugs to you!  LFW

Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 3/1/2009 9:59:00 AM (GMT-7)

Hi Sukay, I wrote this long response to you last night and all of a sudden the screen goes blank and I lost my whole message. So, I suppose that was Gods way of saying be more brief! LOL So, in a nutshell, here is what I said, I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so destabilized. I can only imagine how hard it is. I know my own H has shared (and I can certainly tell) that his meds have been off of some time and I see what he is struggling with. So, my heart goes out to you. BUT, I will also say that you should be WAY proud of yourself, even in the mist of it, because you are really doing some brave and wonderful things you should really pat yourself on the back for....LIKE.....truly trusting those around you and being willing to let them guide you; being honest with yourself and others of how you are really feeling inside; being open to take whatever steps necessary to get help and strive for stability; and from what I can see owning your behavior - so much so that you are stopping yourself during a time you don't feel as trustworthy with your impulses to step back and not even post here in fear that you might say something you really don't mean so you are waiting until you can feel ready to mean your words again....now that is ownership! Now those are super things that I say....YOU GO GIRL to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As to me, like I said, H is struggling with meds. Being anti-social to a degree, very LOW tolerance for ANYTHING, growls easily, can't REALLY talk about much before overwhelm hits. Gets upset with kids being kids....it "overwhelms" him. SO....there it is for H. Kids are okay except that my youngest son is struggling to get meds right and it is hard. Work for me if HORRID and I am desperately seeking new employment. Can't take much more of boss, and a couple of co-workers there. So...there it is for me.

While I am sorry for your current struggles, I sure am glad to hear from you. BIG HUGS TO YOU! LFW

((((Sukay))))

It's good to hear from you. I'm sorry you're having such a terrible time. I know it's hard to post when you're feeling so crummy, but let us know what happens with your meds. I'll be curious and wondering how you're doing.

Thanks!
serafena

Hi LFW,

(((Big Hugs back at ya)))

You're absolutely right!  I do hear myself being more snappy but what I need to do is to let him know that I hear it in myself and quickly apologize and ask him to please not say anything back to me. 

How hard that must be for him!...lol  I guess he deserves to give it right back to me back but I have to TRY HARD not to give it right back at him!...lol  That is the vicious circle that we both go through. So I need to NIP IT IN THE BUD!!!!  It's HARD!!! That's why we really are trying to give each other some huge space while I'm getting use to the new med adjustments.

Well I see my pdoc this afternoon and we'll see what his next plan of action is.  I will keep you posted.

Thanks so much for your support~ ~

Hello LFW,

Wow...so glad to hear that your husband has initiated couples therapy! Yahoo! How great for you! Finally a break through! I can't wait to hear how things went for both of you. I really hope this is the beginning of all new and wonderful things for both of you! (((Hugs)))

I saw my pdoc on Monday and he doubled the dosage of my mood stabilizer. It hasn’t kicked in yet but hopefully by the end of the weekend or next week it should. (Fingers crossed)

So far it has made no difference, but I know I have to give it time. But I have noticed that it makes me very tired in the afternoon where I need to take a nap. Then it is a very deep nap where I fight to get out of sleep. It is like I am half consciously awake and hear everything that is going on but I can't get my eyes to open. Plus the afternoon naps leave me with some terrible dreams. So I wake up from these naps very stressed out. This happened before to me when I would try a new medication until my body got use to it. So I hope things settle down in that area.

I'll keep you posted and would love to have you keep us posted as well as to your couple’s therapy.

Wishing you wellness.

Hi LFW,

 

I'm so glad that you are sharing your experience on the boards so that both sides can see what it is like for each person dealing with bipolar issues.

 

I can relate to your husband getting very defensive when you point things out to him.  I too do the same thing with my husband and get very defensive.  When I share my experiences with my therapist, she reminds me how wonderful my husband is and all that he goes through with me and reassures me that he doesn't mean it like I HEARD IT.  I know my husband tells me that at the time but for some reason I don't believe him until I hear my therapist telling me it.  :o(  That's why it is good for us to have that mediator between us.  It also gives my husband the true fact that I do hear things in a different way and that is why I "lose my tone" and get very irritated and defensive.

 

I'm glad you both had a good experience with the therapist and feel that it is helping.  Especially from your husband!  That is a huge leap in faith that you can hold on to!  I wish you both much luck on this new opportunity of working on issues together.

 

I'm glad that your husband got to be reminded of all that you have to deal with having other bipolars in your home as well and that you have a huge load to carry.  You are a very special lady, wife and mother!  Don't ever doubt that!!!

 

I totally understand about the high cost of medical care.  My husband continues to tell me that "you know what...this is REALLY important and we will just have to find a way and do the best we can!"  This is so true!

 

I'm still hangin tough but I have to admit there are still a lot of huge stressors in my life right now that I believe all contribute to my mood fluctuations.  I just have to continue to ride this boat and wait for better days.  But in the mean time I will keep meeting with my pdoc & therapist closely and adjust things accordingly until things get better.

 

(((((BIG HUGS))))) to you & your hubby for a job well done!  Please continue to keep us posted.

 

Hello LFW,

 

Do I really get it? Yes. After being in therapy and having someone else to talk to that understands that my bipolar is having me react to things in a certain way, I am then taught on ways to work on handling my emotions/reactions in a different way. It was easier when I heard it from my therapist as opposed to my family at first.  I felt validated when I heard it coming from my therapist.

 

I try very hard to implement these new behaviors into my life. It took a while, but I worked very hard on it and still do.  It helped when I learned to listen to my husband and family when they pointed out how I was coming across in certain situations. For instance they would say, "Mom, you're getting really loud/upset over this, you need to calm down."  I didn't even know I was getting all worked up until someone pointed it out to me.  It was hard trying to catch myself, but I worked at it.  I am better.

 

I must admit though that when my bipolar gets off kilter, due to stress or a deeper level of the current chemical imbalance, I need to get my meds properly adjusted to help me out.  But I can see that things are getting out of hand for me and that I do need help and know what I have to do to get through certain situations.

 

I hope you understand what I am saying.  I asked my husband and he said that I am explaining it well and it is true. He also told me to tell you that it does get better. But as a side note, that is because I continue to work at it. 

 

I hope that as your husband continues with his therapy with you and alone that he will be able to own his own.  It won't work if you are the only working at it.  But remain positive for now.  You and he are in therapy finally and this is a good thing!!!

(((Hugs))) 

 

 

Hi LFW,

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I have had a lot of special event dates on my calendar that has kept me quite busy!

I've been doing very well with this last med adjustment. I think I have been able to keep up with crossing all my T’s so to speak! lol

Everything is going quite well for me and I think I just become much stronger and wiser with every episode that comes my way. I really don't want to use the word episode but I cannot find the right word that I am looking for right now. lol

What I am trying to say is that I learn something new each time a trial comes my way. I thought I was in a very good place with my bipolar and so did my family before I had this last breakdown but through this I have found that I am even more stronger and sure of myself than I was before...if that makes any sense to you.

Anyway, I am glad to hear that your husband has made some concessions in his life and that you are seeing and feeling the effects from them. I am sorry that his past actions has caused you to lose faith in him. All I can tell you is that if he is honest with himself in trying to work his bipolar through it will continue to get easier for him and better for you and the family. And I can have my friends, family & husband attest to that fact.

How have things been going for him and you since your last post? Is he keeping up with his commitment of working through his issues with his bipolar? How are you holding up in the process?

Wishing you both Peaceful days & wellness.

Hi Sukay,  I only have a moment to say hello.  I think it is SO great that you can see your own progress even in the down moments of a cycle.  THAT IS progress. 

Things here have been interesting, but still overall better.  My H and I are still in counseling, and it is going....okay.  I think the therapist is very good, my H agrees.  We have started dealing with issues about my mom and my H, and the therapist immediately had my mom come in and have a session with me.  I think it was good, and I think my mom got a few things that she is applying.  I think she understands that when she comes in and tries to help by taking over, given her execution of it, it backfires and just causes more problems for me in the end.  So that was good.  I think she can now also see that my H had a right to not like the way in which she was "being" helpful.  So she changed her style, asks first now, and things seem to be calming down.  So all in all...GOOD stuff.

We have backed off medication for our youngest son for a little while as it didn't seem to be positively being affected enough to feel confident in what we were striving for.  SO, we are re-evaluating things and look at it again with some fresh eyes.

The rest of the family is holding steady with a month of sprained ankles and strained shoulders....GOODY....MORE ER bills!!!!!!!!!!!LOL

I am so glad to hear your new medication levels are really working for you.  That is FANTASTIC!  My fingers are crossed that it stays balanced like that from now on.  HUGS...LFW

Sukay, Great to hear from you. Progress still being made in small steps. What therapy has done is calmed things down and get him to think in more even terms of the work around here (although that can be hit and miss). If we have progressed from that....I can't say. I don't think so. I think more direct honesty needs to happen for us both. I am starting to see HOW shut down emotionally I have become to live with all this, and it is making me sad on that level. I feel SO disconnected from my own kids in SO many ways that when I am alone with them I am just not feeling joyous, and I believe I should (like I can’t drop the drill sergeant role to relax and just have fun). I think I should relish every word they say and play and play and play with them. And for whatever reason....I just can't seem to do it. I feel almost paralyzed and flat. My mind is racing noticing how I just feel like I want them to just stop talking and go play by themselves. I feel HORRIBLE saying that...JUST HORRIBLE like the worst mother in the world. I FINALLY get a few precious moments with my kids in a calmer setting (which are the moments I PRAY for) and then I should feel like THAT!!!!! I'm horrible....something is wrong. I just am not feeling joy. I don't feel depressed either though, so I can't figure out what I am feeling. The only words I can put to it is disconnected. I love my kids more than anything else in the world, but there is something going on when a person is feeling like this. I am planning on speaking to the therapist about it soon. But again, I don't feel depressed either. Just TIRED....SO TIRED all the time. I don't know if it means I have become diabetic yet (I am pre-diabetic = i.e. insulin resistant for the last 14 years), so I have been told that when you get diabetic you get tired like this, but I also have fibromyalgia, and that could cause this exhaustion too. Plus, I don't sleep well, so that is a part of it too. I just don't know. But, I suppose the good thing is that things have calmed down enough for me to have even noticed all this, so now I can maybe figure it all out and fix me.

As to my oldest S, his meds are balanced and he is doing great. My younger S is off all meds, and quite frankly, I think doing better overall other than the ADHD type symptoms. The big issue is my D, who has begun ice skating, and is doing so well so quickly that we are being approached that she has a great aptitude for this and coaches are starting to clamor to get her as their student. We are willing, but we don't have the kind of money this is going to take. We are not sure what to do. ALL our $$ goes towards medical bills for everyone else in the family, and it is just not fair to her. But if she could really do this and excel, how do we deny her this???? MORE questions without easy answers. I am just not sure what to do.

I am so glad to hear how well you are doing. You so completely seem to have gotten a hang of it all. Watch the signs, what to do, how to own, steps to do to cope, how to get honest, and how to use your support system! Fantastic!!!!!!!!!!!!

BTW, my favorite animals at the zoo are the giraffes and all the monkeys! Don’t' they have volunteer programs that you can do things for your local zoo, as long as you are there, for a couple hours a week? They do here. Maybe you'd enjoy that if and when you ever wanted more? Just some thoughts since you are enjoying the environment so much. HUGS to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LFW