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Posted 8/3/2009 1:37 PM (GMT 0)
  I've been on my meds Campral, Depakote, Celexa, and Trazadone for two months now and although there has a been a small change in my behaviour, it's not enough. I've fallen off the wagon and have gotten drunk three times in the past two weeks. I love my kids and husband so much, but I just don't know what do to anymore....I'm cutting and drinking again and it seems to be more out of control than ever. When I drank before, I'd just have enough to calm me a little from a manic mood, now I'm drinking half a bottle at a time. I have been thinking about suicide a lot lately and finally broke down in front of my mother last night and told her I think I need help right now. The problem with that is, we live in VA and the kids and I are only here in WA visiting, while my husband is away on a deployment. We have family who can help out with the kids, but they all work, have lives of their own and I just can't see throwing my children, my responsibilities, on them. They flew the three of us here and are flying my husband here in a few weeks because they knew I was having trouble and are trying to help me as much as they can right now. Nothing is getting better though.

  My husband's granpa just died a couple days ago, whom he was very close to. I feel like I need to be there for him 100%, but's it's so difficult and it doesn't help that we can only communicate through e-mail. My father has had very serious helth problems for years now, but he's getting worse and has now decided that he won't have any more surgeries or procedures to make him better. My husband and I are having money problems, like everyone else in this country. It also causes more stress that he's pushing me to go back to work now that our son is three months old. I want go back to work, but it causes so much stress sometimes, that I literally don't know If I could handle it right now, but we need that extra income. I'm not losing the baby weight like I was hoping and am just feeling so fat and ugly. I was very heavy as an early teen and as a result from the way I was treated, have a very large weight issue. My Psoriases is also flaring up, which is causing pain and irration.

  I don't know what to do.....All I know is I can't go on feeling this way.....

Lindz

Posted 8/3/2009 2:21 PM (GMT 0)
I know it is a real bad time for everyone right now, and I feel for you

Perhaps if working makes you stressfull, why not try working part-time and it would bring some money into the household.  It may help your outlook some too to be productive outside the home.

Are you on medication?  Think about it in small steps to improvement.

Hope this helps

Posted 8/4/2009 2:18 PM (GMT 0)
Lindz,
I'm glad that you came back here. I'm so sorry about what you are going through. However, you have to stop drinking. My mother is an alcoholic and it was horrible when I was growing up. If you continue your children will love you but they will never trust you. Drinking is not the answer - it's adding another problem. Trust me.

As for your medications, sometimes it takes a couple of months for them to "kick in". I do know that drinking has huge side effects for most of the BP medications out there. It can actually make the meds not work at all or spin you into a manic/depressed state. I don't mean to keep harping on the drinking but it's a self medication and it just doesn't work.

Do you have a therapist as well as a pdoc? You have a huge amount of stress - new child, husband depolyed, family illnesses, money - and I think you would benefit greatly by talking to someone who is a professional. Both my husband and I see separate therapists and I think it has really helped our marriage. I know money is tight but there may be a clinic in your area that lets you pay on a sliding scale (meaning you pay what you can afford). Also, do you have insurance through the military?

I agree wtih hh527. Part time work may help you out. There will be some money coming in but you won't have the stress associated with a 40+ work week. You are doing the right thing in talking to us here. You obviously want help and that's a huge step towards improving yourself. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your children and husband.

Lastly, the baby weight. You are not a supermodel who had a tummy tuck while she was in the delivery room right after her c-section. You are a normal woman. It took 9 months to put that baby weight on - it's probably going to take at least 9 months to take it off. Most of my friends took almost a year before they were back to their pre-pregnancy weight. So, just be patient wtih that.

Please take care of yourself and keep posting. We are here for you! You CAN do and get through this!

BPWife
Posted 8/4/2009 3:42 PM (GMT 0)
lindz,

I think BPWife is right you need to stop drinking. That can contribute to the weight gain and take it from a BP ex drinker it is not helping you. I do my own self medicatng at times but it is only temp and it dosen't do much for the meds. You most likely have Tricare for ins and I in my job have had to deal with them you can get refered for out of state care and most of the time seeing that you have had a baby recently your copay has been met for the year. You need help now. Doesn't mean that you have to be in the hospt just means getting on the right combo of meds. Please seek med attn. If you do sighn your self into inpt you are only obligated to stay 72 hours in most cases and then you can sighn yourself out. Just giving you suggestions on how to handel this is a good mannor. Please feel free to cantact me if you need some more help I am online most of the day. [email protected]
Posted 8/5/2009 9:10 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks everone for the comments. I've been through all this before though. I've been on all kinds of meds since I was 13 years old. I'm so sick of the medication and it not working!
Posted 8/6/2009 5:09 AM (GMT 0)

Hi LindzKaye,

I'm so very sorry for the very difficult time that you are going through right now.  That saying, "when it rains it pours! OMG...you really got it bad!

You HAVE TO do something!  I agree with the other posters.  Sounds like you need to try something new besides everything else that didn't work.  You really need to get help for the drinking but I've always heard from other alcoholics you HAVE TO WANT the help!  Have you had a sponsor in the past?

Also you mentioned that your family was helping you out some.  I'm sure if they knew HOW BAD your condition was at the moment they would extend their help even further.  You need to find the strength to open up to them and let them know HOW BAD things really are for you.  You should at least give them a chance...more heads are better than one at figuring things out.

Wishing you wellness.  Keep us posted.

Posted 8/8/2009 3:01 AM (GMT 0)
hh527~ Yes, I'm on meds and have been for around 2 months right now. I have been on and off meds for years now and nothing seems to ever work the way I need it to. Sometimes they don't work at all, sometimes make things worse, or just tone down one or two things a bit and that's it. I would love to work part-time, but If I do that then, it would have to pay enough to pay for babysitting, plus bring in something a little extra. That is something that is pretty much impossible these days.
BPWife~ Yes, I have a therapist and a pdoc. My therapist is so nice and is honest with me, which is what I like, she doesn't sugar coat things at all. For some reason though, it's hard to talk to her. I've think the fact that I've been to almost 20 therapist in my life has made me just, I can't think of the word, but just think they're all the same and hate them all. She would lioke me to come see her once a week, but she's in VA Beach and I'm an hour away, so I only go to her once every other week right now.
slz727 ~ Yes, I do have Tri-care, which is just a pain in the butt to deal with!!! Yeah, my medical bills are around $400 dollars right now. I think I need to be under care right now, but I'm scared...Not sure why. My mother took me to the hospital the other night and I lied to the women from the crisis response center and the doctors and to my therapist when she called the next day. I'm not sure why either...
sukay ~ I've been going through this stuff for years. I've done evrything that ALL the counselors have ever told me to do, I've even gone to meditation and hypnozation (sp?). I've been sober and I've self-medicated by abusing multiple different things at once. Things just don't seem to change. Except for the fact that I'm getting worse and more and more fed up with it all. Honestly at this point in time, all I want to do is back my bags and leave everyone behind and be all alone for the rest of my life, no matter how long or short it is. Everyone would be better off without me and I wouldn't have to watch them all worry about me and I wouldn't have to worry about hurting any of them any more.

By the way, thanks to everyone for the responses.
Lindz
Posted 8/8/2009 3:28 AM (GMT 0)

Lindz,

I've read all your posts and posting the same reply to all of them so that I am not repeating myself. blush

Why did you lie?  Why won't you consider going to the hospital?  I've read your other posts and it seems you've tried everything else but this.  This may be what works for you.

You will be in a controlled enviornment and they have a better chance to really try different combinations of medications and keep close tabs on you to see how you are reacting to them.

You will be around different therapists and group meetings all day and seeing a pdoc quite often since the RN's will be giving them daily updates.

Your therapist wouldn't have said that comment to your mom unless she thought it was necessary.

Please reconsider.  You are just as important than anyone else in  your family and you shouldn't think otherwise.  Everyone has their own set of health problems.  You need to stop holding things in.  Your issues are just as important.  You're only setting yourself up for a meltdown.

Please do the best thing for yourself.

Wishing you wellness!

Posted 8/8/2009 3:41 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Sukay, sorry for posting the same thing a couple of times. I replied in the other post. Thanks for you r replies though.

Lindz
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