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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 9/17/2009 9:27 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry - I know I was supposed to do this before posting.

I'm mid twenties - diagnosed BP freshman year of college. My whole family freaked. I went to a few weeks of counseling - watched my parents cry. (Is it my fault?)
Quit counseling - (Told my family "I'm sorry - I lied to the pdocs - it was a bad joke.) Self-medicated a LOT. Watched my "friends" go to rehab, prison, etc. and decided to get clean.

Been in my own personal brand of #$()!@ every since.

Have been seeing a nurse practitioner for "bad nerves" since. Never mentioned BP, she never asked about my history. (Don't ask, don't tell)
Celexa - 40 mg, Trazadone, Atarax at my discretion, lot of crying, lot of pain, lot of practiced responses to those I love to try and spare them from my pain.

I quit those meds this spring. Made it fine for a few months. Now I'm miserable. Tired of trying to put up a front for everyone else's happiness. I love them, but its killing me. Hubby is the only person who knows the whole story.

Can pretty much lay out all of my memorable life in manic episodes and depressive episodes.
I can remember hiding under my bed and crying for days because "I'm no good and nobody loves me" at about six years old. My parents did everything they could - they threw a party, had friends over, told me a million reasons I was special. They took me to the zoo. They sent balloons with "you're special" to my school.
Yep, I've been hurting people that long.

Can "episodes" last years?

The first 2 years of high school I was depressed constantly. Very few friends. Very few laughs. Last 2 years - class officer, student government, cheerleader, homecoming, parties, parties, parties, formed clubs, led protests to the school board. etc.

I kinda liked my moods. Actually, I loved them. Until a failed attempt in my college dorm room, which is what sent me to the pdoc (by dean's order) who diagnosed me as BP. It hurt everyone I knew. They all cried as hard as I usually do.

The antidepressants from my nurse practitioner mellow me out. As in, make me feel like a zombie. It's easier to give the responses that don't hurt people then. But they don't make it easy to BE.

I know that I need to go to a pdoc and tell the whole truth. I'm hoping that talking to you guys can help me build my confidence to do that. I just cant continue this way. It isn't fair to me or my hubby or my family.
Posted 9/17/2009 10:20 PM (GMT 0)
You're right-it's not fair to yourself or your family. I'm struggling with the same thing. When I was manic, I felt great. I was happy, stress-free, energetic. It felt wonderful. But the crash comes hard and fast. And then you hurt those around you, emotionally, and yourself, physically. You have to learn to trust your pdoc. I'm completely open with mine, as well as with my husband. It's hard, and it's hard to see the hurt in my hubby when I tell him I want to hurt myself. He's my life and my soul mate. But he needs to know what's going on so he can help.

If you're ONLY on anti-depressants, I've learned that can set off mania. It did with me.

From what I've read, episodes CAN last years. I don't know what is 'typical' but my depressions last for 6-12 months and the only manic phase I know of for sure as manic lasted 2 months. I wanted it to last longer, honestly, but now I'm paying for things I did while manic. It sucks. But everything comes to an end eventually. And there are always consequences.

Looking back, I'm pretty sure I cycled in school. I remember in middle school, my parents wanted to commit me when they found scars from me cutting. Then in high school, I was ****ty. I'm pretty sure that was mania.
Posted 9/17/2009 11:57 PM (GMT 0)
Hi JoyArtsful,

Just saying welcome to this board.  You have already written to me, and I am very thankful for meeting you! yeah

Hugz,

4support

Posted 9/18/2009 1:10 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the intro, JoyArtFul,

It's really good to have you here.

I really hope you do get together the nerve to try the pdoc again. You DESERVE to feel better. No one but your husband needs to know about anything.
It's totally possible to have episodes last years -- that's exactly what happens when BP goes untreated. But how awful. No one should go through that.

So glad you've found us,
serafena
Posted 9/18/2009 9:40 AM (GMT 0)
Hi JoyArtFul,

 

I agree...you really should get back involved in seeing your pdoc and therapy too.  If you get back to the road of healing so will your family!

 

It's true, healthcare now has rules that they cannot share your information with anyone unless you specify.  You can go and nobody has to be the wiser except your hubby and I'm sure it would help him tremendously too.  This is a lot for him to bear alone and probably scares him that you are not under treatment. It's not going to get any better without it.

 

Anytime the meds make you feel like a zombie it is not right.  You need to keep in contact with your doctor/nurse frequently so that they can make simple adjustments to find the right combinations and dosages of your medications.

 

Do it for yourself.  You deserve to be happy!

 

Please keep us posted.  We are here for you.

 

 

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