HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

loss/lack of memory

Support Forums
>
Bipolar Disorder
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 10/30/2004 11:24 AM (GMT 0)
Does anyone else experience problems with memory. I'm not talking med related. I've had that too, but for as long as I can remember I've had a difficult time remembering things. My childhood is bits and pieces. I can't remember things that I feel are important from a month ago. I write everything down, lists lists and more lists uuuggghhh.
Have any of ya'll dealt with this problem? Is it bipolar related or could it be something else? Any input would be appreciated; I'm just trying to figure me out before I go to my general doc on Tuesday.
I've gone through the bits and pieces of journals that I've kept over the last 3 or so years, noting moods and characteristics that I felt were important enough to write down and I don't really like what it's telling me. But hopefully with these tidbits I'll be able to get the help that I've been avoiding.
You know some things I just hadn't told anybody. I'm not sure who I can and can't trust. (I have a really hard time posting, so I don't preview any of my posts. I just hit the button lol) Will the things I tell the doc be used against me later in some fashion? I'm paranoid to ask about meds worried they'll (the docs) think I'm just after the meds. Any advice??? I need some desperatly.
Thanks !
~T~
Posted 10/30/2004 12:52 PM (GMT 0)
what memory? recently have begun forgetting things bigtime. got to the point that i have to take a friend with me to doctors' appts. they usually remember what i'm doing there. not meds with me either, so gp sent me to neurologist because i began falling down at the same time. they found evidence of some of those mini-strokes. so now have been mri'd (w/ and w/o contrast), eeg'd, CTscanned and slimed for ultrasound in arteries in neck & head, including eyelids. what it all comes down to is that it is something that should be brought to your doctor's attention so he/she can determine what tests or meds are necessary. at least they can look for possible causes or what specialists may be necessary. good luck. hope your road is easy and an answer will be found. linda
Posted 10/30/2004 4:12 PM (GMT 0)
Matters of the brain are confusing and somewhat fascinating. I don't know how often memory loss can be related to mood disorders, but I wouldn't be surprised. I have epilepsy as well (which I've come to believe plays a huge role in my mood problems I've always had), and epilepsy is strongly associated with memory problems.
My epilepsy is temporal lobe, which is the short term memory section of the brain, but it also deals with the senses and with emotions. So yeah... I'm kinda not shocked that emotional problems can also equal memory probs.
So frustrating though! I used to be sharp as a tack and I remembered EVERY thing. Now I have to make lists (if I remember to do so), and I just feel a bit slow overall.

havta_b_luvd - if you are worried about asking about meds, don't be. Just tell your psychiatrist all of your concerns and everything you've been feeling. Their job is to help you out, not judge you. Yes, they will give an opinion and possibly a firm diagnosis, but if you come to them truly seeking help, they are not going to scoff. If they do, get a new doctor! Just be honest with them - best thing you can do. Good luck!

-Em
Posted 10/30/2004 8:16 PM (GMT 0)
you had to bring up the cursed tle! had "forgotten" all about that one! LOL! yes, i am also a tle sufferer. hate this one a much as i hate my bipolar. they're linked, leading me to believe that since tle can be extremely difficult to diagnose, that there may be many other mood/behavior troubles linked to it. i was that way too until i had a car accident (before the days of seat belts) and had a good concussion causing temporal lobe damage on my left side. before that, had gotten high honors, fulbrite nomination, etc. now can't remember most of what i did this morning. but memory problems are definitely worse since i entered the wobbly stuff. i will, however, ask my new neurologist about it. now i'm wondering if my carbitrol level is okay. good point. also keep in mind how too often people have more than one mood/emotional trouble. wonder if one feeds the other or does one mean somehow you are prone to develop more. very interesting point. linda
Posted 10/30/2004 10:55 PM (GMT 0)
Sounds like we share some similar troubles Linda. So sorry to hear that is was caused by an accident for you though :( Mine just seems to have developed on its own, but I feel similar aftereffects! I was also an honor student - sharp as a tack. I never ever had to study for a test either because I simply remembered information the second it was presented to me. Now its just all foggy. Most of the time I can have a sense of humor about it at least, but it does get bothersome. Thankfully I'm graduating with my BA this semester, so I'll finally be done with school! Well, unless I end up going back for a masters... but we'll see - depends on my situation and my health.
Oh, and coincidently, I also take Carbatrol for my seizures (and I just had my dosage raised, but I've whined about that already in the E forum hehe). Always great to meet another who's walked in the same shoes though, since these problems can be so hard to describe to non-sufferers! Sometimes I feel like though my doctor is brilliant and understands everything on a physical biological level, he just can't really understand what its TRULY like to live with.

-Em
Posted 10/30/2004 11:33 PM (GMT 0)
wow. never know who's around. definitely similar ... grad magna cum laud, etc. accepted at syracuse for phd program. luckily put that off and took a grad course at my alma mater. couldn't finish it. had already taken two grad level courses earlier that counted toward my BA, which i aced easily. you never know. used to recite the first 18 lines of chaucer's prologue to the canterbury tales in middle english. used it to go to sleep. now struggle with remembering parts of it here or there. very disappointing, plus i have nothing to put me to sleep. LOL! couldn't tell you what i did yesterday. parts come back, but missing hours and hours. forget most of thursday. wiped out. wednesday's gone altogether.
did you ever read something you wrote after some time and wonder who wrote it? i do it all the time. used to be a journalist, but i swear someone else wrote my stories for me, and did them well. very strange.
i see carbatrol a a lifelong buddy. taking 2X300 twice a day. also on various other drugs for depression/bipolar, etc. afraid to say something's wrong for fear i'll get another pill. one more and i am sure i'd rattle.
you're very lucky to have been diagnosed with TLE. all too often doctors cite depression, anxiety, etc. only a few see it and treat it appropriately. plus TLE has been known, in some people, to develop that fun gift of bipolar. i did after a particularly stressful time, plus it was rapid cycle. asked my doctor and found some sources on internet to confirm it. far too weird. was about to give up after that one. still would really rather not have to do stuff. just want to veg. very often. tired of all these things going wrong at once. know what i mean? hope you are blessed with only the curse of TLE for a long time. kind of learn to live with that. really want it to remain as TLE and not branch out into something worse. just be vigilant for changes and report them to your pdoc. take care.... linda
Posted 10/31/2004 4:00 AM (GMT 0)
Well I can't say the same as ya'll can lol. As far as I can remember I've made lists if anything got done it HAD to be on that list, if I remembered the list.

I was a decent student in school. I graduated a year early, but I took a different path. I got married at 17 and have had several husbands since.

I look back at my journals and can't remember the things I wrote/felt ie: paranoia of people....I didn't know I was paranoid of people. I barely remember something that happened this am. It really upsets me that I can't remember the important stuff, like how much my babies weighed when they were born and what time they were born. I've felt/feel like a terrible mother/person for not remembering these types of things.

But I can say this, no matter how screwed up I was/am I raised 2 really fine kids. I hope everyday that I've not planted some of my problems into them.

I've been looking over my journals to try and get everything down so that I can talk to the dr about all these "issues" and I think I'm ready to come all out. I mean it's time for me to stop covering up the weirdness in my head and for once care about me. I say that now, but as the days/time tick down to my appointment, I'm not sure that's what will happen in reality. I've started binge eating and stressing really bad. Maybe that's why I'm rambling here....I'm sooo sooo sorry.
But thanks for all the imput, and any other would be greatly appreciated . tongue ~T~
Posted 10/31/2004 10:02 AM (GMT 0)
okay, time for a reality check! what the **** are you apologizing for? you are not rambling by any means. it's called sharing! wow! incredible that you make lists of what you had done. i used to make lists of things to do, but gave up when i constantly forgot where the blasted list was. i have no kids, but cannot remember my mother's birthday, but that's a topic i'm not ready to go into. need more coffee + meds.

sounds you were more than a "decent" student if you graduated a year early. also, i'm impressed or confused that you married more than once. for me, once was more than enough. now, however, i feel very much alone, but too messed up to want to meet anyone or do anything new. plus you are hardly a bad mother if you raised 2 good kids. not at all easy these days.

as far as notes for doctor, i found i always left something out anyway, so quit. that's why i always take a friend with me who has a good or at least decent memory to fill in the blanks. otherwise i'd just sit there saying little or nothing, and remembering everything after i got home. hopefully you have one friend who knows you well enough to share these issues with who can go with you. paranoia sometimes can be in the eye of the sufferer and can also be many other things. paranoia is just a word. may not be there in reality. couldn't it be you're just scared of being hurt? being judged?

finally, no matter how "screwed up" you think you are, i'm sure your doctor has heard much worse. no doctor will judge you. they're there to help, not put you down. sharing about the eating would be helpful. if you're on an anti-depressant, could be you can blame the meds. i'm on effexor and seem to be devouring anything in sight. oh, i have plenty of real food, but ice cream or cookies taste so good with bananas! my potasium level must be incredibly high.

good luck in sharing your very real questions/thoughts with a friend. the list is good for support, but sometimes you need a friend to share with.

(btw... if i sound okay, don't believe it. i'm drowning in my own psych junk. but i find helping someone else somehow brings me back to reality!) linda
Posted 10/31/2004 2:34 PM (GMT 0)
You sound great Linda! Thanx for the reality check I appreciate that. I know sometimes it's easier to give advice than to take it, so I can see how sharing on this board can help. I go back to my posts (because I don't remember them lol) and re-read them. I'm like wooooh did I say that LOL, not that it's anything impressive just that I can't believe I actually hit the send button. But I told myself in the beginning when I came to this forum that I wouldn't proof read because I wouldn't send and if I didn't send then how am I gonna find anything out??? A major quagmire.

As for the husbands....well, I'm not good at being alone. And most of the men that I chose were low-life abusive men. But I don't hate nor do I hold anything against them. But I've been a very poor judge of character in men. When I met my (now) hubby, I flew (just hopped a plane and took off with no fore thought) to LA (I'd met him online) At that point in time I was so depressed that I was ready for death. If it came from this then so be it. Sad huh. That was 5 years ago. We've been married for almost 2, our anniversary is coming up I think in November. I have yahoo reminder and I also have to look at our marriage licenses LOL

One of my ex's....the last ex....challenged my mentality. He would tell me that I acted crazy or he would follow me around nag nag nagging about something. I remember one time standing on top of the bed begging him to just leave me alone. Looking back on that, was that really a sane act for anyone?? LOL

I've lived a very careless life, I'm surprised that I'm still around to be totally honest. Things that I've done *sigh*

Yeah, I'm proud of my kids. My son's 24 and my daughter is 16. They both had teenage problems but my son is a fantastic person. He's one of those, if ya got him for a friend you got the best ya can get. My daughter is goin through her own problems. Being a junior in HS, making new friends and fighting what I believe to be depression but she's bound and determined she don't want any meds. I stand by her decision, it is her life but I continue to tell her what I see/notice all the time. And if I feel it's getting too bad I'll step in.... lol that's my job lol. But she seems to be doing really well right now since she finally adjusted to a new school and friends.

My list for the doctor is all I've got. I don't have anyone to go with me to the dr. So to help me stay on task I have my list. LOL with all that ailes me on it. I'm gonna lay it all out on the line and let the chips fall where they may. I'm at a point I'm not real sure what's good for me. I've always preoccupied myself with husband(s) *LOL* and other family members, so I wouldn't have to face or acknowledge what was goin on. Now I don't have the extra stuff to blame the way I feel on and I know it's just me.

I am on prozac but that's really not the reason behind the binge eating. I've been on a diet, doing rather well I might say. But the closer Tuesday gets the more I eat and eat and eat. Mainly at night, I do really well through out the day but once everyone's in bed and I'm all alone the food comes out. I've gone to popcycles tho and I eat a great deal of em but they're less in calories and taste good!!! lol I too love bananas Omg do I love bananas, then I found out 1 banana has 200 calories in it!!!!!! So now I eat banana popcycles, banana sugar-free pudding...anything banana.

Linda, I'm so sorry that the accident left you with all these troubles. How long ago was the accident? You sound like you've been through the mill with all the BS. But at least you know what the reasons are behind your woes and hopefully it was all diagnosed fairly quickly after the accident????I would think taking the mystery out of 'why' would be some conciliation. But then you're left with the why did this happen to me huh, so I suppose there's always an unanswered 'why'.

Well anyways, I've written a book this time and I'm soooo grateful that I found this forum, I think ya'll are really gonna help me and maybe I'll get to a point that I too can help ya'll. Bright blessings to ya!!!!
~T~
Posted 10/31/2004 5:13 PM (GMT 0)
T - I'm with Linda - no need to apologize! Being honest and pouring things out is helpful! You worry about some things you've done, but at the same time, look at what you have accomplished! You sound very proud of your kids and thats WONDERFUL. Giving your daughter space in her teen years, but at the same time being willing to step in if you see she is really drowning - that is a hard position to take, but very wise.
I am sorry to hear that your past marriages have been so troublesome, I really hope the husband you have now is treating you right. Do you talk to him about your issues? Or maybe about going to the doctor with you? Just a thought.
But really, don't worry about being honest. People understand a lot more than you think they might.. especially here :)

Linda - its kinda ironic how I did get diagnosed with TLE! I've had mood problems through most of my life, but finally they shifted to a new place. I became agitated, irritable, restless and my brain just seemed to be spinning. My doctor at first suspected bipolar and step by step we began meds for that to treat each symptom I was having. When depression hit, it just happened to be Wellbutrin we tried. Well... wasn't too long before that pushed me over the edge and I had a grand mal seizure at a wedding no less :/ Everyone felt sure the neurologist would find it was just the Wellbutrin, but sure enough, on two separate EEGs, my temporal lobe was showing seizure activity. So now its Carbatrol 2x400mg daily. Still have breakthrough simple partials, especially around that time of month..ugh. They are no picnic, but overall I'm doing fairly well. For depression, I was on Lexapro, but I've switched to Cymbalta, which seems ok so far - less side effects for me than the Lexapro thankfully.

So yeah... even though its a pain to live with, and I fear so strongly that I'll end up without my driver's license eventually (already got suspended and had to do a retest), I'm still just happy to have some understanding of what my brain is doing. A couple tests have clearly shown something wonky going on in there. People suffering from other sorts of mood disorders are left to play the guessing game as to the cause mostly - and that is hard to deal with :(

Hrmm... side question since it just popped into my head - has the Carbatrol affected your balance at all? I've never been the most graceful, but recently I feel like a spaz if I try to do something requiring balance. Simply standing on one foot can make me stumble, and I have to really pay attention to walk perfectly straight.

-Em
Posted 10/31/2004 8:32 PM (GMT 0)

To havta_b_luvd,

I also have tempral lobe epilepsy and have noticed that both conditions (EP & bipolar) can have a lot of the same symptoms, especially memory loss. (poor gait & co-ordination is mainly from the meds) I think it's a great idea that you are writing down your concerns for your Doc. to see.

I totally agree with Emira and odettesmom with each of their previous posts.

I have an 18 yr. old son that was dx'd with bipolar/manic depression at age 12 and a lot of his symptoms seem the same, especially PARANOIA.

My wife has chronic pain, son has bipolar and I have epilepsy.      We're all a bunch of sickies and that gets very depressing but I always find someone worse.

Good luck at the Docs. and I hope they can straighten everything out.

Randy, Ontario, Canada

Post Edited (RanMan) : 10/31/2004 7:25:09 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 10/31/2004 10:13 PM (GMT 0)
Ok ya'll I gotta nother question. When I was 5 or 6 Many Many moons ago I had rheumatic fever. Could this be the culprit of my woes?? This will be the first time I mention that together with all these other ailments. So just wondering.

Thank ya'll soooo much for all the support I'm really glad I found ya'll :-) :-)
~T~
Posted 11/2/2004 3:21 AM (GMT 0)
Would you believe there's a virus that horses get, that is suspected of causing much undiagnosed brain damage in humans ? yeah It has been implicated in outbreaks of depression and chronic fatigue, but nobody really knows for sure. It does seem likely though that there's a "hidden iceberg" of pathogens out there that cause all sorts of problems in the brain, whether it's by direct attack or by causing inflammation etc. A high fever is actually sometimes associated with genius-level intelligence (e.g. in TB), but it can also be a sign that something is causing an immune system over-reaction which can cause brain damage e.g. TLE (maybe).

So if it's any consolation Havta_b, the Docs seem to be wondering too ! eyes

Posted 11/2/2004 5:04 AM (GMT 0)
This is the first time I've been on this forum, but when I saw memory loss I just had to join!

What memory? I can forgot from one moment to the next. I don't remember so much of my children's childhood that I could cry.

I didn't write much in journals because I would read them over and tear the pages up and throw them away because I wanted to make sure that no one ever read them. I was ashamed of feeling so miserable.....I was often told by my father that there was nothing wrong with me and I needed to just snap out of it. I'm over 40 now, and I'm still working on that....

Even when I bring a list to the doctor's I forget to show it to him. It really gets to me.

Just wanted to share...

Barbara
Posted 11/2/2004 5:23 AM (GMT 0)

Havta_b_luvd,

 

My short term memory is almost totally gone and my recall isn't much better.

This could be from my epilepsy or the meds but either way,

It's caused problems with my job too but that's a whole other story. It's affected allaspects of my life.

Besides this I have slurred speech and very poor gait and coordination(as well as several other side effects from the meds), people think I'm drunk. I've even been pulled over by the police as DUI until they saw my medic alert bracelet.

Lots more to say but I don't want to bore you all.

 

Randy (ontario, Canada)

Posted 11/2/2004 9:30 AM (GMT 0)
barbs--what memory indeed! know exactly what you mean. somewhere i will find a bunch of little sticknotes with lists for doctor or for me to do.

i'm hoping you have remembered to talk about these problems with your doctor. they can be symptoms of all kinds of things. you could try writing a list and mailing it immediately so it won't get lost. just a thought. again, i take someone with a memory with me to doctor appts. both to take notes but also to serve as my memory. i give list to them or tell them i have a list.

remembering your kids' childhood, but hopefully they're remembering things and can fill you in as needed. sometimes i find things come back if someone starts talking about something.

linda

btw... just panicked because i forgot how to post a reply!!
Posted 11/2/2004 11:36 AM (GMT 0)
OMG, this is sooo terrible to say but I'm soooo grateful that I'm not the only one that doesn't remember my kids growing up!!!!!! I've always thought I was such a terrible mother because of that. Today my kids will say " mom do you remember...." Barbs, I'm so sorry you're having the difficulties that you are. My mom, up until recently, has always told me to snap out of it. And I too am over that 40 mark, 42 to be exact. That's something else I can't remember. You know when ya go to the dr and they ask....how old are you. I go completely blank it was just last year that I was saying I was 43! My gosh I don't wanna add more on! I've never tore out my journal entries I just never seem to be able to make myself sit down and write. I dunno if that's because I forget, get busy or what so I have my journal sittin around everywhere and my daughter asked me about a month ago "why do you leave your journal out? anybody could read it." Well to be honest, I'm at the point...those are my feelings, those are the things I can't say if it's read that's fine but be assured most that read won't like what they read. But, maybe their curiosity will get em kicked in the butt and they'll have to join my reality. I dunno. But I'm at the point I really don't care who knows what. And that's kinda scary since I'm not so secure with my life and those in it.

Sno, let me tell ya.....I'm far from genious so I dunno about that one tongue Hopefully I'll be seeing the doc today. They called last night while I was at the grocery and told my husband to have me call them before 9 this am. My apt is at 9:30 and I'm about 45 min to an hour away from them, talk about some major anxiety going on!!!! They wouldn't tell my husband even if they were calling to confirm my apt. So I've got some major stress goin on right now. So I've definitely gotta find out how to get them to talk to him when I'm not available. Uuugghhh the stress!!!!

Randy, I had a doc in California that I told "I notice I hurt more when I'm out of my antidepressants" He says to me well that should tell ya something....it's all psychosomatic.....I actually got insulted. I told him it didn't matter if it was psychosomatic it still by god hurt!! So you're right no matter the cause it's still a problem. And let me tell ya your story certainly wouldn't bore me. Most nights I search and search for something to read because I'm unable to sleep right now. I go into chat rooms and just sit there so that I"m not alone. But I don't talk in em....I reckon I'm just nosey tongue

Gosh! I'm so grateful that I'm no longer alone!!!!!! Thanx ya'll! Ya'll are making my life a great deal better, at least I don't feel totally alone anymore. Though, I hate that others are suffering as well.

And Barbs, welcome! I too am new and have found it fairly easy to post especially when I don't proof read and just hit the send button tongue Otherwise I would never send what I sit and bang out. That probably isn't the best way to do it and hopefully that'll change, because right now I worry that I might say something to offend someone and I honestly truly don't mean to do that.

Thanx again ya'll for the support!!!! It's much needed, especially today.....I hate going to new doctors with a purple passion!!!!!!

~T~
Posted 11/2/2004 3:47 PM (GMT 0)
T - jeez! I can't believe the doc said that to you! You are absolutely right, a problem is a problem. My boyfriend and I have an argument often - he tells me "its all in your head." Well, YES, it is... but not in the way he says. He seems to think that if I simply ignore things that I'll be fine. All I can say to that is "don't you think I WAS ignoring things when all this starting showing up?" I mean... of COURSE I don't want to feel crappy when I do...
I just don't understand how some people can just decide for themselves that you are choosing to feel a certain way. The brain is an organ - it can malfunction just like any other organ, but the results with the brain are just far more complicated because of how amazingly complex it is. Our thoughts and feelings ARE our own, but they are still carried and transmitted by neurons, and sometimes they get things all messed up.
Its been a little bit better for me in getting understanding since I got diagnosed with epilepsy actually. For the first time I was able to say "I feel weird in my head" and an EEG physically SHOWED the weirdness.

But still... it is difficult, and doctors especially should show the most understanding. Even if they themselves can't truly feel it. If I say I feel bad, and I get told its just in my head... yeah ok, whatever, what am I supposed to say then "oh yeah! amazing! I suddenly feel perfect!" Just doesn't work that way!
I just think its really easy for others to roll their eyes until one day perhaps it happens to them, and their brain doesn't feel the way it logically should, or how they tell it to.

Sorry if I rant hehe... guess you just touched a nerve when you said that :)
I feel like I'm constantly struggling with how to explain my feelings to others.

-Em
Posted 11/2/2004 9:29 PM (GMT 0)
Yep Em it's hard to explain what you're feeling. I know I've pushed it (my troubles) down more times than not. It's bad enough that I doubt myself amost constantly, not to mention having a dr (just a general practioner) telling me that the pains (that I never complain about unless they're unbearable for me) aren't "real".
But yeah, seems a lot of people both in and out of the medical field don't know exactly how to take us.
~T~
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply