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Posted 5/6/2010 2:09 PM (GMT 0)
I know, you guys must be tired of hearing me whine. I'm losing my mind. EVERYTHING hurts. I'm trying to be good, fight through it the best that I can. I breathe in and out everyday, don't over dose on my meds, and have yet to how very hard that is. I KEEP WAITING for it to peak. So that I know there is some end to all this madness, but it's not coming. I saw my talk therapist again TUESDAY, she asked me if I was medicated...I felt like the walking dead. Every step was an effort. She told my husband who I might add I had to make come in so that she could talk with him a bit. She told him that if it got any worse I needed to go tho the hospital. MY PDOC IS useless. I'm looking for another one....but none of them so far specializes in what I have. Any ideas in the Houston area?
He informed her he thought my interaction on this website was not helping, that maybe I was just being drawn into further depression.
He and I had a breakthrough the other night. I finally told him how very bad it was and how great I hurt. Also that he is one of my biggest triggers. (For good reason) He finally gave me some answers that I desperately needed to hear, which took a lot to admit. I understand that.... And it changed some of the pain, gave me back a choice that was stolen from me 10 years ago. That I've been struggling with myself over for just as long. the easy thing to do would be to let it all go. to do what I do best which is to simply function, be half of who I am and to pretend like nothing has changed. Part of me wants to, heaven knows it would be the easy way out. But in the end would I ever be truly happy? Healed? IDK.... The rest of my family is being very supportive,with what I've been able to let them in on. I still barely answer my phone, it's just too hard. When friends hear my voice or look at my face, all the hear or see is pain. I can't hide it. As hard as I try. All I hear is ARE YOU OK? and I fall to pieces.... I'm dying here. I CAN'T MAKE IT STOP........

Post Edited By Moderator (Howlyncat) : 5/7/2010 9:41:10 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/6/2010 6:53 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Not2lb,

I jsut read your post on anxiety and panic and it seems that your husband has come clean and admitted to you that he cheated. Now you have to let this go. You have missed out on a lot by dwelling on the past. It is time to get on with your life. One day at a time.

You have to learn to live in the present. To be in the now. Your doctor needs to give you something to stop the obsessive thinking. I have to take something for that and it really does help me to stay in the now. Otherwise I am dwelling on the past and worrying about the future. But you can practice this without medication by meditation and deep breathing.

Have you ever taken a mood stabilizer? That is what helps me. Ask your doctor about that. It sounds like you are really close to being hospitalized. Do you think it would help you? It does some, and it doesn't for some. But either way you are getting to a breaking point if you don't get some help.

I hope now that you can put the past behind you. Life is too short to dwell on things that happened so long ago. You deserve to live. Be kind to yourself, give yourself and everybody else around you a break and put this all behind you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/7/2010 3:05 AM (GMT 0)
Yep, i know what you are feeling, at least my version of it. Acceptance for me has been a godsend, i dont know why or how but foor whatever reason i accept who and what i am at this time in my life, warts and all. And i allow that acceptance to be enjoyed by others. I honestly dont expect more of people than they are able to give. I allow for mistakes because lord knows i have made many (Ive lost count of the number of affairs i had on my wife, 15-20 might be in the neighborhood) I want forgivness for the mistakes i have made, so i freely give the same forgivness to others.

You will one day find the peace in your heart, it will take time and you wont know when or were but one day you will look at the world and realize that you are at peace. I cant tell you where this peace is, it is your own journey to make and it will take time. But believe me if you activtly look, if you open your mind and heart to forginess and accetance, you wil be surprised at the peace that you will find inside of you.

Bill
Posted 5/7/2010 5:50 AM (GMT 0)
Yes he did finally come clean, and in some parts of my head I can even rationalize what happened and admit it wasn't the same thing that happened TO me years ago. I've never hated anyone, just took them for who they were. I'm far from perfect and I know that. I was traumatized a very long time ago, he kept that pain in the forefront for 10 years, knowing how much I was suffering. I'm to my breaking point. I've felt so lost and alone all these years, knowing I wasn't truly happy, that this wasn't the life I wanted. I was always looking for attention for love....not really understanding why. The easiest thing I. The world right now would be to crawl into his arms and just let him love me. But to do that I'd have to be willing to push aside everything that's happened, do what I've done my entire life and block out the bad stuff and keep moving forward. Don't I owe myself a better life than one of just accepting things that have happened and see those reminders everyday. It's not just about forgiveness, you can forgive people every day and choose not to let them hold that power over you.... I've been forced to do that more times than I can remember. (my family has a sick sense of suck it up) no matter what horrific thing someone has done.
For instance my fathers brother who molested me over and over again...a few years later my mother too me to see my fathers side of the family at a dinner, knowing darn well he would be there. I was supposed to just take it, put a smile on my face and act as though nothing happened.
After my daughter was born my father was so in love with her, he wanted to show her off to the world, my parents invited that man (his brother) to my house with my family.....how messed up is that. But I had to grin and bare it.
My aunt invited my cousin (the sister) to come stay with her while she was workng some things out...no one ever told me she was even coming. It was a betrayl and a slap in the face. It nearly destroyed me....but what did I do, I did my damdest to treat her with respect, show her compassion, (she's messed up in her own right) she blamed me for not having her sister be able to move here with her, because although I knew nothing about it. My family (aunt & uncle) said no. Why did they feel this need to invade the only safe place that I had. I never tried to go and disrupt their lives. When their mother passed away, I wanted to be there, I loved her dearly but out of respect I didn't go. I'm sick and tired of haveing to pretend I'm ok. To look at the one man I trusted more than life itself and know he did the one thing that I could never accept (other than it being my own child : there is no line I wouldn't cross to protect her from
what happened to me).... I don't want to fake it for anyone anymore. I'm tired and ready to give in. ....it made me so mad. I finally took something to calm me down and make me sleep until I had to pull it together to be there for my daughters field day. I didn't want to let her down. Then we took her out to celebrate and I came home and went to bed again. It's the safest place right now.
Im afraid if I force the other side of me to come out....allow the mania to creep in, (fake it for everyone elses sake) it's just going to make things worse and I'll crash even further if that's even possible right now.

plz read rules regarding self harm

Post Edited By Moderator (Howlyncat) : 5/7/2010 9:46:08 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/7/2010 12:35 PM (GMT 0)
I know that you are tired of putting on the smiley face. That is hard, we hide our feelings for the sake of others. But this is a form of compassion to others. And gives us a break from feeling sick. So it is a defense mechanism that you have used to cope with for years. It is hard to undo that.

But I seriously think you should acknowledge what happened. Face it, tell your husband how you feel. Then try to forgive him. Put it behind you, after dealing with it. Then move on with your marriage. I think you have a good marriage at this point. What happened was many years ago and he shouldn't be punished anymore.

I hope that you feel better, I have to cut this short, but will write more to you later. I promise.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/8/2010 3:48 AM (GMT 0)
we are here for you but you do need to follow the rules n guidelines set forth by administrator ...
i hope you hv a better go of it all
i truly do
lyn
Posted 5/8/2010 3:48 AM (GMT 0)
we are here for you but you do need to follow the rules n guidelines set forth by administrator ...
i hope you hv a better go of it all
i truly do
lyn
Posted 5/8/2010 5:26 AM (GMT 0)
To Cemc3....thank you for all that you said. It means a lot to me to hear that. To hear someone else say that. This has been the first time i've reached out for help online, trying to understand not just what happened to me because I thought I'd gotten beyond most of it. But coming to grips with all the diagnosis that have seemed to come together and for once explained all the feelings i've been pushing back breaking me apart piece by piece.
The fight I go thru on a regular basis falling apart and blaming myself for not being stronger.
Blocking out is what I do...it's how I get by and survive. I've
had to. I'm just so tired of doing it. Last night was the closest I've come in my adult life to.... It's obvious the meds I'm taking aren't working. I went to bed. Slept until I had to take my daughter to a city track meet then went home and straight to bed until about 1AM. My husband woke up probably just in time to keep me from doing something that would have ended me up in the hospital. But we talked instead outside. I got some things off my chest.... Now I'm just trying to focus on getting better. Although my husband is a good man....I don't know that even if I were able to forgive what he has done (which by the way digs up every nightmare in my childhood) I'm not sure I can live the rest of my life suffering. It's all I've been doing for more than 10 years. If you add my childhood make it 19 years. Always taking care of someone else, sucking it up because I was supposed to pretend everything was normal. I tell you it would be the easiest thing in the world to do. Let him off the hook, pretend it didn't happen but Thats all it would be. Pretend....I have to heal and I don't yet know if I'm capable of facing that every day for the rest of my life. That there's no one I can ever trust again. I always lead with my heart. (not always the best) it's always more likely to get broken.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 5/8/2010 8:30:29 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/8/2010 4:41 PM (GMT 0)
hey dear. Just thinking about you this morning and wondering how you are doing today. Please post back.
Posted 5/8/2010 8:35 PM (GMT 0)
I'm doing ok today. Thursday was rough, I was ready to give in, But I survived another day. Friday was better less crying...I even went and played ball. As long as no one asks if I'm ok, I can hold it together. My thoughts are calming, so I'm trying to take advantage of the sanity and just breathe. It's been weeks since I could block anything out. I know I have a lot to deal with but all in good time. Baby steps....
Posted 5/8/2010 9:21 PM (GMT 0)
I hope you don't mind if I celebrate with you. :) I'm glad you are getting a moment to catch your breath. I hope you get a lot more.

Thanks for your kick in the pants the other day. I needed it. Called pdoc, meds adjusted, doing OK. On 150 mg Lamictal now and going up to 200 next week.

(((hug)))

Here's to another day that you get to hug your kids! :)
Posted 5/9/2010 4:27 PM (GMT 0)
First....thank you for keeping me in your prayers. I jokingly posted on my facebook page that God wouldn't give you more than you could handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much. A lot of people tell me, it's in the past...let it go. For a very long time I thought that I had. Not realizing that possibly most of what I've been feeling for so long was related. I thought that I could control it if I could simply block it out.
I don't know who I'm supposed to be. Who would I have been had anything in my life been normal. I often feel broken....like there are pieces of me missing. The only thing I know how to give completely is my heart. I wear it on my sleeve and would freely give it to anyone if it would ease their pain even a little.
Today is a good day...so far at least. I know I'm able to focus right now and that's comforting. But I keep waiting for it to creep back in, the pain to take over. But I'll take what I can get. The hardest parts aren't over and I know that, but today all I have to do is breathe.....

For any moms who reads this...Happy Mother's Day, you are loved and cherished for all that you do.
Posted 5/9/2010 4:27 PM (GMT 0)
First....thank you for keeping me in your prayers. I jokingly posted on my facebook page that God wouldn't give you more than you could handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much. A lot of people tell me, it's in the past...let it go. For a very long time I thought that I had. Not realizing that possibly most of what I've been feeling for so long was related. I thought that I could control it if I could simply block it out.
I don't know who I'm supposed to be. Who would I have been had anything in my life been normal. I often feel broken....like there are pieces of me missing. The only thing I know how to give completely is my heart. I wear it on my sleeve and would freely give it to anyone if it would ease their pain even a little.
Today is a good day...so far at least. I know I'm able to focus right now and that's comforting. But I keep waiting for it to creep back in, the pain to take over. But I'll take what I can get. The hardest parts aren't over and I know that, but today all I have to do is breathe.....

For any moms who reads this...Happy Mother's Day, you are loved and cherished for all that you do.
Posted 5/9/2010 7:13 PM (GMT 0)
Happy Mother's Day. :) I'm glad you're having a relatively good day. Don't worry about it creeping in because that worry will only help it come!


I hope it is gorgeous and sun-shiny where you are.
Posted 5/10/2010 2:41 AM (GMT 0)
I am of the opinion that one way to move on, is to every day do one PHYSICAL thing that will make the next day better.

I know that tomorrow I will struggle with motivation to clean the kitchen and do other chores.

So tonight, I straightened up the bathroom and cleaned the dining room. That is 3 out of 5 rooms "clean enough." I'll start tomorrow with some confidence that I can get it done.

I keep doing this and I'll be able to stop dwelling on the fact that I forgot my meds, screwed myself up, almost pushed away my SO and almost left him. (That would be so terrible!) If I just do one thing to make tomorrow better, I can look forward to it. When I'm looking to tomorrow, I don't have time or energy to think about the past. When I don't dwell on the past (without trying to suppress it), I can heal.

Another way I moved on (from a divorce from abusive exhusband) was to throw away everything that had a bad memory associated with it. Clothing, books, kitchen stuff, decor... anything.
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