Counselling starts tomorrow

I am so sorry to keep posting the negatives...Unfortunately with Mom's cancer, things aren't going to be easy for me and it helps to come here and post. So much is involved in all of this. Bf and I are already back to fighting, a lot. I hate it. Today I came home from work in tears b/c it was such a quiet day at work, all day was just thinking and thinking...I tried distracting myself, but I was very limited with things I could do....Anyway, bf got angry with me b/c I uttered the words "I can't do this" and he was like "what do you mean you can't do this....I don't understand why you are saying that....etc. etc." He just gave me the hardest time about it. So much so I found myself trying to justify what I said. When really I knew what I meant. I am depressed, I am sad, and I am scared, so it just came out. People say it all the time. And btw he did not think I was talking about suicide, he thought I was talking about my job...and so his reponse after giving me such a hard time was "well just quite your job then".

Ya, so enough about that, I think you all get the ugly picture.

On the upside I have counselling tomorrow. My first appointment with this woman. She works out of her house, which is one street over from mine, so after work I am coming home and then walking over to have my first session. I really think it's going to help me. Because as of right now.......Everything is just a complete mess. I am planning to take a week off of work, hopefully next week. Bf says he supports it, but we'll just wait until that week actually arrives and see how things go....

Anyway, thank you all for reading. I will post how my session goes tomorrow nite.

Thanks Tortoise, I will try that....I have tried it in the past and he gets so angry....I am just SO frustrated that he and I are back in this pattern. He is mad b/c I am depressed. Same story as always. I am going to be talking to my counsellor about this although I know she will wisely suggest what you suggested.

It is such great advice, I am going to try and discuss with him. I just fear the anger. Thank you so much for replying. I feel so completely and totally alone right now

Also, I took this week off of work. Enough of the panic attacks, deep depression, extreme fatigue etc. I have lots to do around the house to keep me busy AND I am going to spend a couple days with my Mom.

Tortoise, you really captured how bf is feeling. I know he misses me when I am depressed. I know he feels rejected.... And I don`t forget that he feels affected as a result, but for years now, I have been longing for just SOME understanding. But I believe truly from conversations we`ve had about my illness, that he actually has the stigma towards the depression, the meds...something he said the other day showed stigma.... There can be a balance. I have read so many spouses on here asking for advice, education etc. My bf unfortunately is not educated on this illness at all. He has no clue as to what meds I am on or why. He just disagrees with it. He doesn`t like me pdoc who he has never met because he prescribes the meds. So while bf is feeling normal feelings due to being affected, there is also a huge underlying problem with it all. I have tried emailing him a few times; one recently to give him a heads up that I was having a bad day and that I didn`t want to affect him at home so in the email I described how I was feeling and that I was going to be okay...no reply and no reponse when I asked if he got the email later at home.  I have tried the communication thing for when I am feeling down so many times, but the minute I say `hun, I am depressed today` walls go up.

MMMNAVY, good to hear from you--I am going to give this counsellor another chance. At least she was really nice and it`s hard to give up right away because she lives one street over from me....But if it doesnt work, I will look elsewhere because it`s important to have someone who fits.

happy bill- you are so right about ppl not being able to really understand what we go through. Here is my belief with this: Ppl cannot possibly fully understand what we experience, because they aren`t walking in our shoes, they aren`t us, they aren`t living it, feeling it. However, I fully believe that ppl can educate themselves by listening to the bp person, by reading, by reaching out to forums like this....and through knowledge that person can come that much closer to AN understanding of their own. This type of understanding helps them to help us and can also help us help them etc. I`ve just read too many spouses posts on here, about how they are involved in their loved one`s care sometimes, attending sessions, BIG ONE-actually recognizing symptoms etc. That they have knowledge about this illness and they want to do whatever they can to help, to provide comfort and care.

Anyway, you all were so right in what you said. Thank you all so much for reaching out to me. I will let you know how the next session goes! Hope you are all well today.