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Tortoise's Stupid Experiment Thread

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Posted 6/7/2010 6:17 PM (GMT 0)

I had a tense morning!  I'm not sure if the irritability or the worrying about it was worse.  lol  It wasn't actually "bad" - just not as good as I need to feel "safe" about the medication experiment.

My SO comes home on his lunch break.  I took advantage of that - locked myself in the bathroom for an overdue hot shower, fixed their lunch and sat outside writing in my journal.  It was so great to give my ears a break from 3 yr old high pitch whining!  I came inside and did a couple little chores.  A very nice break.

I'm running little errands this afternoon.  Getting a library card for my little man, picking up oil at the marina, buying some stamps at the post office, a couple groceries too.  I'll stop at the dollar store and see if they have a basket to put those library books in.  Should be a good busy afternoon.  The liitle man is very good in public, so I won't have to deal with the whining for a few hours.  :)

Am I ready??!  I go down to 50 mg on Wednesday.  shocked  

Posted 6/7/2010 11:36 PM (GMT 0)
I had a moment.  I don't know what to think.  I felt sad.  not depressed, but sad.  I feel like my life ended before it began.  Like my future is lost.  That I won't get my happy ending.  I won't get to be what-I-want-to-be-when-I-grow-up.  A life walking on a dead end road. 

I'm over my moment, but I have this feeling that my life is consumed with this disorder and that relapse is inevitable.  I feel like a ticking bomb.

I'm not depressed.  Just an eerie sense of calm resignation, and mourning.

I've been thrown off.  I have no confidence in myself.  Everytime I feel anything, I assume this living hell with begin all over again.

When can I accept that "normal" can involve sadness, anxiety, and grief.  And when will I be able to see the line between normal emotion and disease?  

 

Posted 6/8/2010 9:48 AM (GMT 0)

Tortosie...

Hmmmm...Keep a running list of stuff that is suddenly bugging you (squeaky door hinges).  Can be being less medicated, your senses are more finely tuned or it could be hypomania sneaking in.  If your list is unreasinably long and has stuff you normally could live with...just be alert as to it getting out of hand.  When I get hypomanic I get super sensitive to everything that I notice "wrong"....like a spot on the kitchen counter; noises in particular become noticable and bothersome.  A list helps you track how much this is happening if still in the range of OK.  I am so glad you are looking ahead (the wedding) to being a stressor and trying to problem solve in advance.  How is the sleep going??  Keep it up, but remeber, if this for some reason doesn't work this time, you can always try again.

Posted 6/8/2010 2:13 PM (GMT 0)

It ended up being 9 things on my "bothers" list.  Everythign was resolved and I felt fine.  When the irritation doesn't go away when the stressor sotps, I have a big problem!

I think yesterday would have been fine if I wasn't stressing out about it maybe not being OK. 

Looking a tthe calendar again, right after the wedding is a week long vacation with SO's family.  I love his family and I'm sure we'll have a blast.  But Last year I was only there 3 days, and this year I'll be there sraight through.  And it will be over when I go down to 25 mgs.  shocked   None of his family knows about my BP.  It may not stay that way.  smhair

In other news, the scale surprised me this morning - 156.6!  (I started a 170.0 24 days ago.)

Posted 6/9/2010 1:38 AM (GMT 0)

When I stop worrying about whether or not I am OK, I actually AM OK.  I had a moment again today.  I am starting to wonder if the medications do take off some of my normal emotion. 

Over lunch, SO and I exchanged about 3 cross words with each other, which is rare.  He left a little while later without eating lunch, and he didn't say goodbye.  I was stressed out and really sad.  And disappointed because the lunch I made was fabulously yummy.

I did not go into a mood swing.  I really expected to - that would fit my pattern.

When he got home, I got upset over it again and realized I was ANGRY with him, then crying because I was sad that I was angry with him.  I just sat down for a moment.  After a little while he came into the kitchen wondering why I was sitting on the floor.  I told him that I was "pretending to not be angry with him and that it wasn't working."  He gave me a big long hug, I cried for a minute.

And I didn't go into a mood swing.  I'm fine.  Over the moment completely.

It is strange and unsettling to feel sad, disappointed, etc, WITHOUT feeling depressed.  I don't think I have experienced that before yesterday.

After weathering this, I am feeling more confident about tomorrow's lower dose.  I really need to build confidence in myself.  These challenges help.

I am doing better with my mental self-care than my physical self-care.  I've let a couple things slide a little on the diet.  I fried fish tonight and dredged the fish in flour with spices and a bit of sugar.  I've chewed some gum that has aspartame in it.  Had a jello-cream popsicle - gelatin is a possible source of MSG, and it was sugar-free (aspartame) jello.  I haven't been walking and my weight-lifting has been half-hearted at best.  I don't know why I am stopping myself.  I guess that is something to explore and journal about.

But I pulled out a mindfullness meditation CD my tp gave me and tried it today.  I did the shortest one.  It was AWESOME!  So much easier than just meditating and much better results.  I will definitely repeat this.  I might make it a habit - every day when my son takes a nap.  I think I would be more productive the rest of the afternoon!

I'm doing well at finding and eliminating stressors.  I seem to always have a few things that haunt my to-do list and make me feel awful.  I finished the last big stressful one today - sales taxes.  shocked

After I knocked the big stuff off the list, I had some free time and I realized I don't really know what I like to do!  I have quite a few shallow, hypomanic hobbies that I flit around between, but I don't "have a hobby."  I scheduled time exclusively for ME, my interests.  Not sure what to do with myself.  lol

I went to the library with my son and checked out a book for me.  It isn't a self-help or how-to book.  It's not even a textbook or reference book!!  shocked    tongue   I picked up "John Adams" - a thick biography.  Interesting so far.  It includes snippets of letters he wrote and after I was reading a while, I was like "dang, he musta been bipolar!"  lolol  Googled it...    yup.  He would be diagnosed bipolar by today's standards.  Makes the book that much more interesting.  :-)

I'm going to continue working on the mental self-care and not beat myself up on the physical stuff.  Divide and conquer.

Posted 6/9/2010 9:31 AM (GMT 0)
Tortiose...
How are you doing? Last post I read from you was the squeaky doors. I hope all is continuing to go well Yake care
Posted 6/9/2010 9:40 AM (GMT 0)
Toetoise...
Me gain. I don't know how in the heck I missed your big. long post. Anyway, I do think meds do mask and dull are real feelings and at times takes real feelings and spins them out of control into depression or whatever. Seems to me you are experiencing some real feelings and are on a bit of a roller coaster as you sort them out. It may not feel so great to have some of these real feelings, but hey, you are riding thru it OK and not going into a mood swing. Adjusting meds will make you a bit more "touchy."
Anyway keep hanging in there.
Posted 6/9/2010 1:33 PM (GMT 0)
I have to comment that sex is better on less medication. lol :D

I am down to 50 mg (25% of my original dose) as of this morning and am feeling optimistic.

I am using my calendar and have scheduled a few things to look forward to today. Should be a good day. I'm doing better on finding/doing social things.

I chatted with a friend on facebook - I haven't seen her for ages and haven't talked for more than a year! I moved about 1 hour drive away, and turns out she is a college student and actually lives very close to where I am. So we are going to a local coffee shop (that I've never been to) next week.

I lost touch with another friend because of the BP stuff, and I've contacted a mutual friend to get her contact information. I hope she will talk to me again.

I was at the library yesterday and the librarian invited my son and I to the children's story time. My son misses his friends too, so it should be good for both of us. It would be really nice to meet some other stay-at-home moms, or at least to know someone I could call for a babysitting emergency! The storytime is this morning. I'm a little nervous. I went once and had an anxiety attack - it was my first time at the library. I've gone since then and was fine, so it WILL be OK today (because I said so!) lolol

I'm still not doing the best on physical stuff, (had cereal and milk this morning!!), but I'm not going to freak out and I'm going to focus on everything else.

Thanks for the support. :)
Posted 6/10/2010 4:31 AM (GMT 0)
lolol @ Bohemian!

I'm going to have a rough few days. I hope I can make it through!

A service dog I placed with a disabled handler is having problems. This team does great for a few months and then it goes to crap. So I'm probably going to end up with the dog again. grrr... I just adopted out 2 dogs. I really was looking forward to only having to worry about 1 dog. I'm meeting the hander/dog tomorrow to see what to do. I hope she makes this easy - she has to decide if she is ACTUALLY going to do the maintenance training or not. Keep the dog or not.

In addition, my rabbitry is having a bad week. Lost a 7-week-old this today. My "bad momma" doe kindled. She did better this time, but she didn't have colostrum. I culled most of her litter - all but 3. I took 2 of my adult rabbits in to the vets. They drew blood, spun off the serum and I am giving that orally. It is a replacement for colostrum that may or may not work.

But there is a definite window of time in which their little bodies can absorb this - and it is until they are 12 hours old. I have until 3:00 a.m. to get this serum fed. I'm feeding every 30 minutes and it takes 10 - 15 minutes to feed. Uggh!

I have a doe due in a week. If I can keep them alive until then, I'll put them in with the other litter. :crossfingers: I think I am going to have to take them with to the wedding (leave them in the care, obviously), because including the drive, we'll be gone too long. Then again, the chance of them being alive by the weekend is pretty slim.

So between going fishing and not catching anything, the service dog thing, and the burying 7 of my 18 rabbits... And the grim prognosis for the 3 babies, and the having to butcher bad momma rabbt... I'm feeling inadequate. When I feel like I can't do anything right, it is a sure sign of impending doom (depression). Help me fight through this one!

I'm worried about not getting enough sleep and how that will affect my mood. I have a good book to read, but really -- I think I am going to set a time and try to nap. I think it will be best for my health.

I am thinking about jumping off my diet overnight. But that could really screw me over. Argh. Don't know what to do right now.

I found a REALLY GOOD nutritionist nearby and her fees are reasonable. I think I'm going to make an appointment. Just a matter of when. I read how she got interested in nutrition to make a career out of it and I think she has good respect for traditional westeren medicine, but also see how it falls short. I'm looking forward to it. If nothing else, it will make my case for a SAFE and HEALTHY way to reduce medication more plausible/believable. I'm so afraid of going to a new Dr. for the first time and the Dr. deciding that I am manic, unreasonable, unfit to make decisions for myself or something like that. I'm hoping by showing my complete medical records, along with a GOOD REASON for wanting to find TEMPORARY stability off of medication, and healthy steps to move towards it, that he (pdoc) will consider it valid and support me through it, as well as help when I am ready to go back on medication.

Time to feed rabbits again. AArgh! lol :)
Posted 6/10/2010 1:16 PM (GMT 0)
Rabbits and I survived the night. :)

I've been thinking about how the timing of weaning off medication fits with things going on in my life. I decided to go off the meds this morning. It is a little bit bigger jump than I've made recently, but not so big as cutting back 100mg accidentally. That was really rough, especially since I didn't know what was causing my symptoms.

If I'm going to crash and burn, I want it to happen BEFORE I have to spend the week with SO's family.

Today is a good day because I have social things planned for the next few days. Things to look forward to and to get up in the morning for. Shopping to do! :)

Last night, I was at the vet clinic with SO and he showed me the information in the Physician's Desk Reference for Lamictal and pregnancy. Much more detailed than what I have read before, although the conclusion is the same.

I asked him what he though about me being off medication and stable, and he said, "I fell in love with you when you were off of medication." A moment's pause .... "But I didn't live with you either." lolol Ah, I love him! :D
Posted 6/11/2010 1:11 AM (GMT 0)

Today was OK.  I am struggling with my diet now, but I'm really determined to keep going.  I do want to be healthy!  I did walk today!  Woot!  :)

I was tired from not so much sleep last night and became anxious about what to do.  I was in a place where if I did nothing, I would become depressed - I was already close to it.  But I was also edgy and was NOT doing things to avoid hypomania - because of the impending depression afterwards.

I decided to risk depression with a nap.  It seemed like to not nap was a pretty sure way to end up there.  I am OK.  I feel guilty for not getting anything done, but proud that I didn't have a mood thing (yet).

I had minor withdrawal side effects today.  Whew!  I've read that many people can't get off of the last 25 mg Lamictal because of withdrawal symptoms.  I was worried.  Tommorow will be another day.

I am in control of my health.  I am in control of my health.  I am in control of my health.

The thing with the service dog handler was not a big deal - I was blowing it HUGELY out of proportion in my mind.  The girl LOVES small animals and has offered to care for the rabbit babies until they die or my other doe kindles and they can go in with another litter.

I've been watching myself and I can see mood swings in the last 2 days - they are so subtle they totally fall within the range of normal.  (Sweet!   :-)  ) In a way I like to "feel myself" because I'm not having any troubling symptoms (depression).  But I'm afraid of it too, because I know how quickly it can be beyond control - faster than it takes for medication to start working!

I'm starting to get copies of my medical records and I'm starting to see what a disservice I have done to myself by minimizing symptoms to doctors!  Like I was in bed suicidal for a week and there is barely a note of it at the following appointment.  nono    Bad me.  I've given advice to others here, but I need to take it myself - they can't help if they don't know what is wrong!

Found out that up until I was hospitalized, I was dx cyclothymia.  I'm glad they told me it was BP II, because I was able to find so much more information that helped.  When I finally quit lying about how bad the depression was and ended up in the hospital, I got the BP II dx.

Posted 6/11/2010 5:48 AM (GMT 0)
Tortoise....
Kids have a wonderful way at picking up the slightest change in Mom, especiially a depressed or bipolar Mom. Since their little lives have been on the same roller coaster you have been, They do things like getting into your space or hugging lots to the point of annoyance because they aren't sure how to act towards the "new" Mom. Even when things are going good, they are usually waiting for the other shoe to drop until they can trust that you have changed for the better...period. My youngest son ( now 23 years ols) when I was depressed or rather level, he drove me half way insane with constantly telling me he loved me. He always thought if he loved me me as hard as he could he could "fix" me. Being the care raker he was as a child, he has carried into his adult life by still keeping an eye on me, has becime a nurse in a ER at a huge hospital and is marrying a girl who has a chronic autoimmune problem that can make her very, very sick. And his adult life I truly believe was influenced by his desperate "I love yous" as he tried hard to keep me at some level that he could cope with. So, I tell you this because your son's hugs as annoying as they can be maybe a message from him that he senses yiu are changing and he is feeling a bit confused and insecure. But for both your sakes, you need to set some boundaries (do very gently) with him. Keep going...I am proud of you
Posted 6/11/2010 12:21 PM (GMT 0)

HC - did your son ever have therapy?  when/how did you explain BP to him?  How much was he exposed to?

I don't know what to expect except my tp said he will probably need tp too.  Of course, I want to do a good enough job as a parent that it isn't necessary, but I'm certainly not going to withhold something that will help him just because I want to feel good.   rolleyes

I feel more centered this morning than I did yesterday.  That is comforting.  I woke up a little bit early, so I have plenty of time to get ready for my hectic morning.  After 2 p.m., I can get back to my normal thing.  I need to make a plan for what to do then or else I'll feel lost and unsettled, send my son to take a nap and get myself in a funk.

I have a dress and accessories picked out for the wedding.  I'm feeling a lot better about it.

I have to go - more later.  :)

Posted 6/14/2010 3:30 AM (GMT 0)

I'm OK - not stellar.  The wedding was fine.  I was nauseous and anxious before, but was OK while we were there.  :)

Now it is family vacation week.  I have a REALLY hard time with not having my regular schedule and I did hit a slump during the day.  Came out of it alright.

My diet crashed and burned and I am starting right back up on it.  I forgot to take my vitamins with everything going on, but I'll start that up again in the morning.

I told my SO about being off meds.  He questions whether it was a wise choice, but that was about it.  I didn't tell him why I did it.  He doesn't need to know, IMO.

Now, it is all about practicing, learning, doing this self-care thing better, and seeing how long I can stay stable.

Posted 6/14/2010 1:51 PM (GMT 0)
SO = significant other
Posted 6/16/2010 2:47 AM (GMT 0)
Another day off my regular schedule. I moped on the couch for a few hours. Closed my eyes and pretended I was sleeping so I wouldn't get harassed (in a friendly way) about it. LOL Felt a lot better after that, so I guess I really needed it.

I went swimming until I was REALLY tired, so I got in good exercise today. Other than that, not doing so hot - forgot my vitamins, ate crappy food. I'm a little "hyper" now. I'm not sure if it is a sugar high or if my mood is going up. Yesterday, I started to get a bit hypomanic at night as the caffiene from my chocolate began to kick in. I was going to ride it out, but then was reminded of my motivation for the experiment and went to sleep.

I had some awful nightmares that woke me up and kept coming into my mind. I finally drew the image that was haunting me and got some closure. I just realized I left it in a sketchbook at my SO's family's vacation house - while they are there. And they know it is fair game to look through it, so ... yikes! ... I hope I don't scare one of the kids!

I've taken a long time to write this and by now, I am pretty sure it is just a sugar-high, not hypomania. In spite of a rocky day, I think it will be OK.

I told my SO's cousin about being bipolar. We are pretty close - we each have a son the same age, lived in the same city so a lot of common ground.  She isn't weird about it - but I was sure she wouldn't be.

My SO's nieces/nephews/second cousins (ages 8 - 12, roughly) are getting after him about a proposal.  LOL LOL  They started asking me questions about if we were getting married, and all I'd say is that if he asked me to marry him, I would say yes.  They obsessed over that for a while and then had to loudly announce that to him.  LOL LOL  We've been together 15 months and they're not the first to wonder about it.  I'm starting to get hopes up for a proposal in the next year.  OK - end of July would be great!  LOL  That is when we will be on vacation in Canada together. 

At the same time as being all "girly" and hopeful, I'm realistically (pessimistically) not hoping for it.  I hate to disappoint myself, and I really don't know what he thinks about it.  I was freaking out a while ago and asked him if I was to crazy for him to commit to spending his life with - he thought about it a bit and said no.  I guess there are other reasons why he might not want to, but seriously - NOBODY is perfect - how bad can I be?!

Posted 6/17/2010 3:49 AM (GMT 0)
I spent the morning at home before going over to the vacation house. I did fine for about the same amount of time. So instead of a fake afternoon nap - which wasn't that bad - I was seriously down about supper time. That sucked.

My "future-mother-in-law" prodded me out of the house in the evening (can we say embarassing?!) and I eventually perked up around the campfire.

My kid (3 yrs old) started some naughty play habits today playing with the older kids. We talked before bed about it and he says, "but they were playing with me!" Aww... poor kid! I told him that they will play with him when he plays nice too.

I need to get out there and find some friends for him. It has been 7 or 8 months since he has been out of daycare and away from his old friends.
Posted 6/18/2010 2:14 AM (GMT 0)

I worked today - training dogs.  It was a good day.  I went out of my way to go to a favorite store to buy food and a toy for my and SO's dogs.  I only stayed at the vacation home and came home for a much needed bit of me-time.

I'm not planning on spending a lot of time there tomorrow.  I'm pretty much done with it.  I have to work on transitioning back to my life/schedule/diet - without crashing.  Time to focus on that to-do list and get busy taking care of life and taking care of myself.

I am looking forward to the end of this vacation.  It has been hard on me.  The mood swings have not been particularly bad, but the fear of them becoming worse / out-of-control is causing more anxiety than I care to admit.

I think I got one good thing out of it - an idea to teach art classes or tutor art to kids or adults.  I did a lesson with a couple of the "nieces" and "nephews" this week and the parents were pretty impressed with my teaching (and drawing) skill.  Maybe I can earn a little $$ with that skill?

Earning $$ a little bit at a time by doing things in my own way is very satisfying for me.  I think it builds my confidence that just because I can't keep a job doesn't necessarily mean I can't earn a living.  OK.  Maybe not a living, but continuing to be able to pay my car payment would be great.

I won't say how many days I've forgotten to take my supplements this week.  Or how many marshmallows I ate!  I'm putting it behind me and just saying that I survived the week fairly well - considering.

Posted 6/18/2010 5:10 PM (GMT 0)

Sorry I haven't posted to you in awhile...so depressed...ugh.

I commend you for your strength through your journey. One thing I think I've realized; when you're on meds, I don't think we do those other things (like exercise, vitamins (some don't mix with meds anyway) keep a regular schedule, etc...the things you are doing) as much as we should. Whereas what you are doing off the meds, those things are required even more to keep you going.

Am I making any sense? I just thought hmmm...I am not doing healthy things for myself; drinking caffeine, having sugar, not exercising at all...maybe if I was the meds would work better? Or is it that I would feel better?

Just a thought and b/c of the depression I might not be making any sense.

Anyway, keep us posted!

Posted 6/19/2010 1:54 PM (GMT 0)
Hang in there Mogs! You make perfect sense. I was originally thinking that self-care might get me to a lower dose of medication. That seems perfectly reasonable. I was already on a low dose, and I have a good reason to see if I can be stable off of meds, so I took the jump to no meds. I hope I've done it cautiously enough!

One thing I struggle with is if I "fail" on part of my self-care, I'm too willing to quit everything else for the rest of the day. I have to learn (and do!) that it isn't all-or-none. I'm sure your body will appreciate a little less sugar, or caffiene, or whatever challenge you can accomplish to build your confidence.

This last week I've had a tough-love lesson in how much my diet really does affect my mood. If I eat normal foods, my mood falls off a cliff about a 1/2 hour after I eat. Without other self-care, it spirals into a whole big rotten mood swing. I knew my diet affected it before, but I had no idea how predictable it is. This gives me hope for long-term stability off a meds - assuming I stick to a healthy-for-me diet.

I see a nutritionist in 2 weeks. I am really excited about it!

I'm working on getting back to normal. Yesterday, I was feeling agoraphonic, but I went out to 2 stores I've been wanting to explore. I had my service dog with and it was tough, but I'm determined to not get stuck in my own head! One of the places I went to was a local art store and I asked about hanging up some of my work there. The store takes a commission of only 10 - 15%, so I'm comfortable trying to sell there.

I set my alarms for taking vitamins and remembered to take them this morning! :) I am thinking about skipping breakfast and maybe even lunch. Drink lots of water. Let my poor digestive system recover!!

The weather is cool, windy, and gorgeous, so I'm going to bake some spaghetti squash. I love that stuff and need to have an easy snack on hand.

I'm feeling good (normal good) and a little hopeful today. My SO gave me permission to paint/decorate while he is gone for a couple days on a fishing trip. I'm trying to make plans without biting off more than I can chew.
Posted 6/21/2010 3:20 AM (GMT 0)
This is getting tough. I can see clearly now how dramatically my diet affects me. I have been unable to get back on my diet since vacation. I am beginning to feel the affects of it on my mood. I'm having mood swings - strictly relating to food. But they have thrown off my sleep cycle, so I know I am on very thin ice.

I'm working on improving my drawing skills, thinking about a portfolio. Creativity at night is a huge risk factor for me.

I'm still OK at this moment. It is 2 weeks until I see a nutritionist. I am so close to collapsing into this again and I'm afraid of it.

I'm tempted to take Abilify to make sure I'll be OK. I remember that I felt like I had more self-control when I started taking Abilify.

I ended up binging and then sleeping, low blood sugar, depression. SO dragged me out of bed, another sugar-binge and now up late feeling creative.

I told SO what kind of a mess this could be. He suggested meds. I might need meds to get back on track - I know that. I promised him that I would go to bed at the end of the TV show I am watching and asked him to drag me out of bed in the morning.

I'm hoping that tomorrow will be at least equal - not worse than today.
Posted 6/21/2010 3:50 PM (GMT 0)

I'm coming down from a bad spot, but I am OK now.  I COULD NOT sleep last night.  I spent 5? hours drawing, a couple more watching TV.  I fianlly got so bored at 5:00 a.m. that I went to bed.  Was not tired, and laid around napping fitfully.  I was WIDE awake and perky at 7.  Feeling a full hypomania, edgey, not stable, not safe.  SO said I was acting weird.  Then again I was trying to get morning sex just seconds before he has to head out the door to work.  nono

I was thinking about the inevitable crash into depression, and trying to see if I could buffer it.  I though I would crash either when my blood sugar dropped or when I became exhausted.  On a hunch, I picked exhaustion and decided I would sleep as much as I could - even if it was only a minute at a time, until I started to come back down.  It worked.  I managed about 2.5 hours of sleep and I don't have the scary-edgey-hypomanic feeling.

My next challenge is food, a healthy meal will go a long ways towards having a safe day.

After that, I need to plan my day and STAY BUSY because I'm in a place where I could easily oversleep/overnap, mope, slip into depression, or end up not sleeping tonight and make it so much worse.

Here is to having enough self-control (for a change) to actually make a positive step.

Posted 6/21/2010 4:22 PM (GMT 0)

Hey tortoise,

You may feel that you are slipping but the point is that you are aware of it and trying to take action! Good for you!

As for the meds.....Are you taking the vitamins??

I am sending motivation your way for the diet yeah yeah yeah yeah etc...

K, gotta go for now,

Mogs

Posted 6/22/2010 1:10 PM (GMT 0)
I'm a little bit better. Still feeling rocky, but that is more anxiety than actually being in a bad spot. I think it helped me a lot to tell SO how I am doing. Yesterday when he went back to work after lunch, I told him that I wasn't doing well and there was a 50% chance of me moping on the couch when he came home. Without the pressure of "I need to be OK by 5:00" I did just fine.

I am going to apply for a job, and I'm not sure that I want the job! LOL I know almost nothing about the job - not even how much it pays!

a) I'm NOT excited about putting my son into daycare. I am so happy with how well he is doing with me at home.

b) I'm not sure that it would pay enough to make it worth it - after paying for daycare.

c) The person handling hiring, and a close supervisor on the board of directors holds a grudge against SO. Maybe she is over it - or maybe that would make things uncomfortably interesting?

d) It's not a particularly cheerful line of work - animal shelter manager. I have experience and skills for it. Just not sure I want to do it.

e) I am 100% sure I would need to be on meds again. Not that big of a deal, I guess. Just a matter of staying well while getting up to an effective dose.

f) I am submitting a resume just to get more information about the job. I write awesome cover letters, good at resumes. I'm assuming I would get an interview. I interview VERY well - I think it has to do with being BP. I can figure out what they want to see and BE it. I am used to being hired on the spot. BUT -- I'm not ready to make that decision yet.

g) It is a dog-friendly environment - so in the case I needed my service dog I could totally do it undercover. So do I want to keep quiet about it (IF I would take the job)? Or tell the employer and request reasonable accomodation? Thinking about my past work experiences, 5 unpaid sick days per year could have saved me from losing my previous jobs. That sounds reasponable.

h) I do like feeling independent and earning $$. I like having a little spending $$. But I like "free time" and REAL independence too! Working 40 hrs would push me to be taking care of my rabbits at 7 a.m. (so bad in winter!). My dog training business would be bumped to evenings / weekends. I would ACTUALLY be working 50+ hours per week. I'm trying to complete a portfolio and get artwork into a local shop/gallery, but I don't think I would have time for that. I'm not sure how much money that freedom is worth to me.

IF it pays $10 per hour, I'm only taking home 1/2 of that after childcare. My family lives an hour away, so free childcare is not an option. So work my @ss off, lose my freedom, give my son inferior care, for $800 a month? Is it worth it?

I don't even know what I would do with the $$ besides save it. Probably buy some better rabbit breeding stock. New clothes for me. Probably save it and use it on marketing to build up my dog training business --- oh wait. The one I won't have time for.

I'm torn. What would you do?
Posted 6/22/2010 3:42 PM (GMT 0)
about 20 min after my lasst post, I got hit with depression. Totally blndsided. Still not OK. :(
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