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6 days of "normal"

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 6/3/2010 9:42 AM (GMT 0)
Recenly I woke up in yhe morning and no sense of dread of starting a new day.  I felt like the "old" me, before the BP mowed me over and I lost the real me years & years ago And for 6 whole days I felt "normal"  and no, I was not hypomanic.  I was relaxed, could do stuff without a huge effort.  I went to the movies with the kids....I never do that.  The biggest problem for me being BP is usually total apathy towards most everything I including my family and riding my horse).  I spend most of my time fluctuating between suicidal depression and milder depression.  And throw in a few and far between hypomanic days.  So reverting back to feeling like the old me...interested in life, calm, interacting with the family, no mood swings, riding my horse  and most of all, feeling totally content and happy.  It was weird....as I said, It has been years since I felt like that.  Then after 6 days it ended as abuptly as it started.  I was so disappointed and very sad.  Those 6 days made me realize what I lost being BP.

With that loss, I went back into my depressed mode.  When I look back on those 6 days, I mostly remember the problem free days I was having and looking forward to each day.  Has anyone else had that happen?  Like have the BP temporarily disappear and you go back in time to a "normal" state?  Did you feel sad when that mood then disappeared?  It has left me with a deep longing to go back there, but it seems it is nothing I have control of.  I think my family was as disappointed as I was.

Posted 6/3/2010 1:13 PM (GMT 0)

I have had it happen.  It was longer than that - a bit more than a year of normal and hypomania.  It was fabulous.

It was before my BP diagnosis and I 100% believed I was fine.  I attributed previous problems to my abusive marriage.  (the year of normal happened immediately after getting divorced)

I came out of it from too much stress in my life.  I was DEVESTATED!  I was already with my SO and so afraid I would lose him.

Presented first with panic attacks.  I started seeing a pdoc and tp for that.  Pdoc put me on paxil, triggered mania and got the whole cycle going.  My tp figured the BP stuff out 4 - 5 months later and I finally got dx and the right meds.

I'm so happy you and your family had a few good days.  And so sad it was gone so quickly!  I think as BP, we have to grieve the life and opportunities we have lost.  Are you depressed? or greiving?  or both?

(((hugs)))

Posted 6/3/2010 2:59 PM (GMT 0)
I would think I am somewhat depressed and definitely grieving.  It is so hard to say good-by to how things used to be.But I am hanging in there.  Thank you for the hug.

Posted 6/3/2010 6:17 PM (GMT 0)
I understand the apathy, i suffered thru that my first year, couldnt even get back on a bicycle to save my life. Thankfully that has left me behind for now but the hobbies that i had before, toy trains and plastic models i seem to have no interest for anymore. What i have done is kept the stuff out where i can see it and it looks like i have just left it the day before and will be returning soon to it. Silly i know but it allows me to still have it around me in life, and maybe i will one day take it up again.

I did a ''memory'' bicycle ride about a month ago. I went back to my old riding grounds of 20 years ago and i rode my old course on a bike from 20 years ago (that i lovingly maintain) and had a fantastic time. It was like i was 20 again and before all the stuff of family, married, and most responsibility. FOr a few minutes i managed to drop 20 years and go back to my earlier days. But at the end as i cycled back into town i came back to who i was and the reality of me and thanked God for my little glimps of my earlier days.

That is perhaps the toughest part, is from time to time we get to see ourselves how we used to be and feel the way we used to feel. It is both the kindest of gifts and the cruelest of tricks.

Bill
Posted 6/4/2010 5:38 AM (GMT 0)
Bill...
Leaving "used to do" stuff out is a good idea, because who knows, maybe it will inspire to do again. It is so creepy, maddening and scarey that BP disorder can steal our old selves away. But as you will see in another post I am doing, before BP I couldn't creative write at all. So maybe BP disorder can also bring out some hidden talents. I always read your posts. They always make me feel a bit better or give me a chuckle.
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