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Posted 7/5/2010 6:02 PM (GMT 0)
Hey guys,

I know some here have read "Loving someone with Bipolar Disorder" by Julie A. Fast & John D. Preston.....

I wonder from those who have read it...How many of you:

1) Just read it yourself and tried to share information with your partner with no success;

2) Both partners read it and tried exercises and found it helpful/not helpful

3) Healthy partner read it and made changes on his/her own and it as a result helped....

I decided that I cannot go on in this relationship the way it is any longer. If things don't change (him getting some education and showing more compassion) then I cannot spend the rest of my life with him and have children with him. I am 29 years old and I feel like time is wasting away living like this.

I guess I am reading through this book first, making notes and then turning it over to him. So I am going to give this a lot of time. I am not saying read book, change or that's it. I just think we need to have converstaions about what is really going on and for once, deal with it so we can be happy together. I want that back for us.

So as I have been thinking in my head so much recently "that I just want out" I know that isn't what I really want. I want to be happy.

Anyway, bp rambling....Appreciate any feedback, even if you haven't read the book.

Mogs.

Posted 7/5/2010 7:03 PM (GMT 0)

I haven't read the book, but I think it is a good step forward.  I think you are right that you can't stay in the same place and that the future of your relationship depends on his choice.

I like the idea of reading it and making notes in the book!  :)

Posted 7/5/2010 7:23 PM (GMT 0)
 

  Hey Mogs, i'm 42 and if that age has taught me one thing is that you have to pay attention to the warning signs. If you are getting signs that say not to move forward then PAY ATTENTION to them. People do not change that much in my experience without some compelling (usually) severe reason to do it. Its one thing to get him to put the seat down or put the tooth paste cap back on, its an all together different thing to want him to develope compassion and understanding. THose things are either there, or not. He may develope them later in life, we all change as we age, but there is no guarentee that he will.

   You also have a lot on your plate right now. And for me when i am feeling overwhelmed i try to change something, anything, just to see one thing in my life "get better".  However  my advice is to read the book, let him read the book (if he will) and then take it from there. It is so easy in this illness to feel out of control and lost, hell if someone could develope a GPS Navagitor for us BP people they would make a fortune. "GO Straight for 100 feet, do not have any caffenne at the store ahead of you, do not have sex with the stranger across the street, put the drugs down, you have arrieved at your destination" tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue

   We crave the thing that also causes us so much pain, emotional attachments to other people. I wonder sometimes if truely successful BP people are also alone in this world for a reason. THe stresses that otehrs bring into our lives cause us much pain.

  Ok, enough of being johnny rain cloud.  I hope you are feeling better soon.

  Bill

Posted 7/5/2010 11:15 PM (GMT 0)
I truly believe that people can change if they want to. And maybe, as Bill says, they don't change unless there's something really compelling that forces them to change. I just don't know. But I do believe that change is possible. What you are realizing is that you need your bf to change for you to be able to make a life with him. And I think that's an excellent realization to have come to. Needing and wanting compassion is vitally important in any relationship and especially in one in which one of the partners has an illness such as ours. Compassion simply HAS to exist or the relationship is not going to work long-term. So, I think you're looking for something realistic. I hope your bf can give this to you. I hope he'll read the book (I'm not familiar with it, and I haven't read it) and that it'll open up some good dialogues between the two of you.

Please keep us posted on how things are going!

Warm wishes,
Havana
Posted 7/6/2010 1:33 AM (GMT 0)
I have read the book, and my boyfriend is in the process of reading the book. in the book there is a chapter that suggests that you make trigger lists and 'what works' lists. specifically on the what works list, what works during manic phases, what works during depression, or when you're angry, etc. things like depression: go for a walk together, make me a cup of peppermint tea, make sure i don't stay in bed all day, etc.

my boyfriend has not had time to finish the book yet but he is very open to collaborating with me on both the trigger lists and what works list so that when i am having a mood swing he can calmly look at the list and suggest something that will be helpful instead of him asking me what can i do and me replying NOTHING I AM TOO MISERABLE TO BE HELPED.

i think this is a great idea. the book also lists very specific symptoms and signs of each kind of mood swing that help your partner identify what's going on and what's coming.

i would really suggest the book. it's only $10-14 and it's really worth it. read the book first yourself (only takes about 2 hours) and then pass it on to your boyfriend. the book suggests that you spend 6 months working on treating the bipolar together to strengthen the relationship, and after six months have passed and you are not happy with the way your partner contributes to your mood swings or helps you get through them, then maybe it is time to re examine the relationship and if you are truly meant for each other.

good luck :)
Posted 7/6/2010 9:05 PM (GMT 0)
Hey all, Thanks for backing me up on this decision and for advice and encouragement. Means a lot as always.

The book is an easy read, and I've made notes like crazy so far and some underlinings all to help us both!

I really don't know what will happen; if he'll read it....or if we'll be able to change together.

Bill, your post was spot on! I have some doubts in people being able to change, especially when it comes to things like compassion etc. So I agree with you there. And like you said, I do have a lot on my plate, but this mess is to the point where it's affecting my every single day in a big negative way, so I need to do something. Plus the book is taking my mind off of Mom and putting onto the other stress in my life! Ha! But taking my mind off Mom nonetheless. And LOL to the GPS comment...I am going to use that from now on to describe my illness! LOL

And bill, I will simply read the book myself and give to him and go from there. Well put.

Voix, it's taking me longer than two hours to read it, haha! I like the book thus far and think the six month time frame is appropriate. I don't want to take too much longer because I want my future of getting married and having kids. So this is really the time in our relationship where it's going to be make it or break it, with compassion and understanding and working together along the way.

Thanks to you all! I will be posting updates to this thread on the progress (oooh lets hope for progress.....!)

Mogs

PS I hope you are all well today
Posted 7/8/2010 6:40 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for this thread and mentioning this book. With all the good reviews, I ordered a copy. Plan to read it, mark it up, and give it to my SO.
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