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advise living with my bipolar girlfriend and also im bipolar!

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Posted 7/31/2010 12:20 PM (GMT 0)
i've really got myself into a situation with this 10 month relationship with my bipolar girlfriend and need advise.  this really gets deep and twisted!  im bipolar as well, but my case is a bit more stable than my girfriends. 

my girlfriend was molested as a child by a family member, and she went on to seek out abuse thru her life.  she worked as a stripper for 10 years and met her exhusband while doing that.  she married him and then continued living with him for 10 years after the divorce.  he was 15 years older than her, and for lack of a better way to describe the relationship he was her sugar daddy and she was his trophy wife.  he didnt really love her, or cant seem to show it.  he is an alcoholic.  I came into the pic 11 months ago, i really fell in love with her and wanted to marry her.  i moved to a new city so she could be near her family.  45 days after doing so she went manic and left me and went back to her ex.  she really went off for 35 days while doing this, then decided to come back to me.  i loved her so much i couldnt say no.  since she has been back with me she has left another 2 times.  went back to him, once had sex with him.  he is a drug adict as well, so she gets high and he gives her free dope.  this has been very painful to me and hard to deal with.  she always comes back to me though and wants to get off the drugs, i went through this 18 years ago so i feel i can help her do it.  i really feel as long as he is alive he will be there in the shadows waiting to get her back on the drugs and in his life again, which she seems to only want when manic.  she has no place else to go. so now its like she is living 2 lives in 2 different cities and with 2 different men. 

this has caused me to have to draw on my faith in god to make it, i have talked to my preacher at my church and was told that god understands the situation and its ok, and eventually something will happen and this will stop or something will happen and someone new will come into my life.  i just need to have faith that gods will is going to prevail.  this has been very hard for me but has made my relationship with god much closer.  i really love this girl like no other ive ever known, been told by people it sounds like we are sole mates.  are pasts are the same and we have everything in common.  i love her so much i really cant see anything she could do that would make me stop loving her.  i know ill love her for the rest of my life no matter what!  i also know ive got a long hard road ahead of me, but i think i can do it.  she has been in the hospital a few times in the past 10 months, and this week she got so depressed because of the drug use she ended up in rehab.  now she might get the help she needs.  i hope and pray, but think its going to be an ongoing thing. 

the bad thing is when she goes manic it triggers my mania as well.  i seem to be more stable though, but i feel like running when we have problems as well.  but am able to keep my feet on the floor unlike her.  i've had to separate our financial lives to keep from having the mess she has going on.  all i really can say for sure right now is i love her so much i never knew love before at all.  i never would have put myself in this kind of situation in the past. 

i dont know what im searching for here, just opinions, advise, warnings, danger signs, and so on.  just trying to reach out to gain peace of mind i guess???

Posted 7/31/2010 12:41 PM (GMT 0)
Oh man, the title of your post was a danger sign! This one was the biggest red flag for me though: "are pasts are the same and we have everything in common."

My ex-husband and I started dating and getting involved because we "understood each other." The marriage was a catastrophe. I won't go into details.

I was undiagnosed bipolar. I strongly believe he has a bipolar 1, but he has never sought treatment. It was a train wreck.

We were passionate and what we thought was love was just conjoined mania. It *felt* good, but it was not stable or safe.

It lasted 5 years.

I am now engaged to an amazing man who is an exact opposite of my ex-husband. He is stable to the point of being almost emotionless. He is responsible, makes good money choices, takes care of me and my son financially. He helps me take care of myself but he always makes me accountable, and he never takes a caretaking role. He doesn't try to "fix" me.

I think if she triggers mania in you, then you will never make a good decision about her. I think that if she triggers mania in you, a relationship is a bad idea - for your own health.

You never mentioned if she is on meds? I assumed not.
Posted 7/31/2010 1:38 PM (GMT 0)
yes we both have been on meds for 15 years at least. her meds though seem to need to be changed often, while mine dont. i only seem to get a little manic when she leaves. meaning i feel like running home to were i came from, even though there is nothing there for me. my whole familly has been dead for many years. and i get the racing thoughts and problems sleeping. go back on seroquil, and that helps that.
i think there is some type of codependant emotional thing that goes on between us for sure. we want to help eachother, but not convinced it is really unhealthy, but if it is i think somehow i would find a way to stop it if i set my mind to it. i really dont try to fix or control her. i want to be able to let her have freedom she has never known. so i stopped trying to make the relationship the way society sees as the normal traditional type relationship. i think that needs to be changed to have a successful relationship with a bi-polar person. while its hard it can be done if u love the person enough then anything is possible. it's like i see this whole thing as a test of my love, and i do love her enough to be able to let go of things like that.

as far as us having a lot in common, i thought most normal relationships are successful when 2 people have a lot in common. especially when u can understand each other.

to me seeming to be emotionless sounds like emotionally illness. im an emotional man, not the traditional type that seems to not have emotions. my father was like that, and he was alcoholic. i disliked him to the point that i went out of my way to not like anything he did, nor be anything like him!

the only time i guess im the caretaker is when she is in the hospital and needs me. other than that i just try hard to change her negitivity into positive ways of thinking. this makes me more positive for myself as well. since we got together all this has mad me unable to sit and be negative and depressed as i was for so many years. and that is why i feel she is good for me.
Posted 7/31/2010 4:01 PM (GMT 0)
Alright....wow....

Welcome to HW. Glad you found us.

What a situation. What tortoise said about the mania being triggered is spot on. We all know as bps when experiencing symptoms of mania (no matter how mild) or depression, we need to realize how it affects our ability to make good decisions. And this is a situation where you need to be making healthy good decisions.

Not only do you have the bp symptoms to sort of get in the way, but the love you have for her could be blinding you? I only say this because being bipolar you know:

Alcohol and drugs do not mix with bp and when addiction is involved, you know what it takes to shake it and that it's a lifetime battle to stay sober...you know that although you are not using yourself, being with someone who has this illness and is using is promising disaster.

I understand that it's not you wanting to fix her, but rather, you want to help her through to the other side of this. With her bp symptoms out of control (meds not working, her not helping herself in other therpeutic ways) helping her out of this situation may not be possible at this time. And in order for you to stay healthy, I don't believe this relationship is safe for you at this point. Red flags all over the place, truly.

You also said it yourself, with this ex in the picture, how confident are you that things really could turn around and stay that way?

I understand that you love her, but think of those red flags and ask yourself seriously what the chances are of this working out the exact way you want and need it to?

Only we ourselves can manage our illness; partners cannnot do so for us. We are the ones responsible for our choices.

As far as having so much in common; perhaps in your past...but from what you are telling us about who you are now, I don't see the important things in common....

My heart really goes out to you because you love her so much and this is a nightmare, but I can't emphasize enough that we need to make healthy choices and decisions to lead and live healthy lives. I am sure you can find such love in someone else if that is what is in the cards, or rather, in your hands....

Please take care of yourself and please keep posting,
Mogs
Posted 7/31/2010 4:03 PM (GMT 0)
I have been married 14 years to a BP1 and I'm BP2. He is my best friend. We have held each other up through dark and light times. No one understands me like he does. We have been there for each other all the way through. We had some difficult periods in which marriage counselling saved our relationship. We take turns taking care of each other and despite all the ups and downs I would never trade the experience.
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