I am so scared

((((((((((((((((((((Linda))))))))))))))))))

Our families have been taking care of us for too long, it is our job to support our family, not everyone else's. My dad has serious health issues, he can't help, my sister is severely epileptic and can't help, my mother is busy taking care of both of them. My husbands parents are in Washington state, along with my parents, and have jobs and lives to live, they can't drop everything for the three months that he's going to be gone after I have this baby, simply to come and help me in case I fall apart like last time. This is HIS family, he chose us, now it is his responsibility to take care of us when we need him. I have been on meds for quite a while and have been taking care of myself and my kids just fine. This is a time when we are going to need him, not just want him around, but need him. I understand how hard it used to be for him, but it has been great lately, but when things fall apart, he is who I depend on and I think rightfully so. I do a good job at taking care of things myself for the 6 months of the year that he is gone and do do good at taking care of everything when he's here, but too tired or just simply too lazy to take care of anything around here. I get done what needs to get done, I do what I need to do. It is time for him to stop being a child and start being a man. He always wants everyone else to take care of his problems. I have taken care of mine for a long time now, not always in the best ways, but I did it myself most of the time because of my family being too busy taking care of themselves and my friends not understand what the hell was going on with me. I'm sorry to think that the one person I should be able to go to when I'm having a bad day is my husband, I'm sorry to rely on him for support. We are in California and new, so we have only a few friends. All the people I know here who could help me while he's gone are women who's husbands are on the same ship and they all have kids to take care of. How is it fair on everyone else always asking them for help when they have children and lives of their own. Yes, I expect my husband to be here and help me out with the children, yes I expect him to be here loving and supporting and understanding things that are going on and me. Is that really so much to ask for? He should be willing to help, we are his family. I am not the person to ask for help. I have done things on my own for a long time, asking for help is something that is very difficult for me. But, when it comes to the well being of my kids, I am going to and am asking for his help. I just don't see why it's so hard for him to give that help. I thought about hurting my kids, I ended up going to alcohol as a way of self medicating, I ended up in jail for assault and I nearly lost my husband and kids. I will not allow that to happen again. That is why I have been looking into safe medications to take while I'm pregnant and plan on going back on medication right after I have this baby. That is why I have been looking into alternative methods to help me out with my moods. I am working my ass off taking care of my children and myself and my husband. Why can't he give just some of that back? Why doesn't he care enough to? These other men say and seem to show they care for their wives, why can't mine just show that he cares just a little bit in this situation? He admitted he's scared to go through all that again. Is he just too scared and is trying to run away from me? I have done so much to try and make myself better for him and the children. I have been working so hard...I'm just asking for him to do this one thing, just be here for us this one time.

Whether or not he is at fault is a moot point.  You can't change his behavior.  Focusing on his fault is not going to get you the support you need.

You can (and must) make sure that you will be OK even if he isn't there for you!  However unpleasant it sounds to ask for help, you (through no fault of your own) have a disease that requires you to get help at times.  Your disorder is no less worthy of attention and care than your sister's epilepsy or your father's health conditions.  You didn't choose this any more than they did.  And it isn't any less severe than their health problems.

Your family and his family is not your only possible support!

My sister is deeply religious, in her church when someone has a baby, the women of the church come together and cook for the new family for an entire month.  It was such a kind thing for them to do for her - her husband is military and they were recently stationed 2,000 miles from any family or friends.

Without family, she asked for help and got it in a big way.

I have a client with severe mental health problems.  Her pastor and pdoc helped her find an older coupel that have "adopted" her, they call and check on her when times get tough.  They even drive her to her therapy appointments when it is not safe for her to drive.

These are 2 examples of people who had no support that got out there and MADE IT HAPPEN.  They proactively got what they needed.

I had to do it too.  I was divorced after months of post-partum bp cycling.  MY XDH kicked me out with my son, my dog, my car and the clothes on our backs.  My parents let me live with them (NOT a fun situation) while I struggled to find work for several months.  I joined a church group where I got support, wonderful lasting friendships, help finding a job.  The church helped me financially, people helped me renovate my house when I finally could move away from my parents.  These random strangers became closer than my family.

I moved away, and I am slowly doing it again.  I can't allow my fiance to be my only support.  It is not fair to him!  So I'm making friends with neighbors, the lady at the post office, the librarian, gradually forging relationships and friendships that will be my future support system.

Supprt systems don't just happen, they are built.  If you are willing to try, I have some ideas for starting to build a support system so that you are not alone (regardless of what your husband chooses to do).

I think that putting his work "first" is his manly way of putting you first - by providing for you. :) Our female way to love is through nurturing. But the male way is by providing. Acknowledging this can boost his male self-esteem - "Thank you for working hard to support us." If you can't say it, write a note or send an email. :)

I think you said you were thinking about breastfeeding? (Forgive me if I am wrong!) You'll probably see a lactation consultant. These are wonderful people to help calm and reassure you. In addition, is there a La Leche League group in your area? Their weekly meetings are an awesome way to meet friends. The meetings are free, children are welcome, and deep friendships are forged between the mommas.

Do you have a spare bedroom? Especially with a rough economy, there are a lot of people struggling and unemployed. What about "hiring" a person for the cost of room & board, to come live with you, take care of the kids at scheduled times, and hopefully be a friend. (A legal contract is in order just incase it turns sour!) This would get you a good deal of the 24/7 companionship you'll need. If you branch out your support network, you won't have to lean too heavily on this person.

This is SO wrong to say it... but the benefits of a church community are so good, it's almost worth it to suck it up and go for an hour in order to meet people that will help you. I started going to church ONLY because I knew I would find community there. How about a unitarian church? You can believe anything or nothing at all and be a member of a community.

If you are legally disabled - even temporarily - you may qualify for a meals on wheels type program to relieve some of the stress of preparing meals.

Your family may be physically unable to care for you, but they still love you! You can set up a phone call arrangement. "If I don't call you by 8 a.m., call me. If I don't answer and don't call back by 9 a.m., call the police for a wellness check." Just knowing that someone cares and someone will come check on you may give you comfort and motivation to continue your self-care. This is a small burden and they can take turns so no one carries too much of a burden.

Pouring your heart out to an online penpal (maybe someone you trust on this board?) can be incredibly therapeutic. It's hard to hurt yourself while your hands are busy writing or typing! You can be totally real and honest about your feelings, with no fear of judgement. And you get the feedback of a person who truly understands what you are going through and cares about your family.

Another warm, welcoming and female community is bellydance. I know - last thing on your mind when you've just had a baby, right?! If you take it gently on your body, you CAN do this. I just joined a class and I love the warmth and camraderie of the women there. There's a gorgeous 20-something with a perfect body, (but she's terribly ungraceful!), and the rest of us are REAL women, with jiggles, pudges and stretch marks.

Don't forget MOMS Clubs and MOPS Clubs. These are social groups of mothers that get together for one purpose only - for support. We all need it! Childcare is provided and membership fees are very low - and waived for economic hardship.

Any type of class or lessons for an activity you enjoy gives you another person (or group) who is concerned about your welfare and will check in with you every week. If you can't leave to go to a class, there are tutors and instructors that will come to your home. Want to learn to paint? Learn a foreign language? Traing your dog? These are all options. (I recommend training a dog because seeing the progress in the dog's behavior is very reassuring that you ARE accomplishing something. IT builds confidence. But as a dog trainer, I am biased. :) )

Most counties have family support services. Around here, there are parenting classes, infant and toddler playgroups, even experienced parents that will come to your home to help reassure you and help you be sure you are confident in your parenting.

Don't forget your babysitters. Even stay-at-home mommas need breaks! Especially those of us that struggle with mental illness! If finances are tight, see if you can barter. If nothing else, you can look for a free chilcare co-op - mothers that exchange childcare for each other - or start one! Being able to call my parents or a sitter and say "I'm having a bad day can you pick him up and keep him for 3 days?" is invaluable! My parents can tell by my emails if I'm not doing well, and they'll just show up and take my son out for ice cream or take him for a few days. (they live an hour away!)

If you are willing to LOOK for opportunities and TRY them, I won't be surprised if you could find 100 people that could each play a part in your support system. By spreading the burden thinly, it's less likely someone will burnout. And if that would happen, there are many other people you can rely on.

tortoise11~ I know his job is very important to him and I don't want to get in the way of that. He does take a lot of pride in doing his job good and being able to make it every day. So far, he has only missed two days, in two years, because he had to stay home with the kids while I was in jail for assault. I felt horrible enough about those two days, I know I would feel like crap if he had to stay home from deployment. I just feel like my back is against a wall and no one understands. I want to breast feed, but I learned after having my son, that it would be better off for everyone if I go go directly back onto medication after having the baby, rather than breast feeding. Thank you for all your suggestions, some of those I never even though of. One of our biggest hurtles is money, so I would have to try something that is free. Thank you.

MMMNavy~ Do you mind if I e-mail you? You seem to know how things work a lot better than I do and I was wondering if you could give me some more information.