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Posted 9/21/2010 3:07 PM (GMT 0)
I am married to a wonderful woman that is diagnosed with bipolar ( I believe II). We have only been married a year. I love her with all my heart.

Over the year and time we have been together, I have come to learn a lot about this illness. Unfortunately it has had it costs. I have had to learn to be a stronger man in so many areas. I have done this all though because I know she loves me. I keep reminding myself this everytime I must deal with things that are from this illness.

My wife was diagnosed when she was 12 years old. She has had a rough life, not just due to the illness, family life was no good either. This has caused other problems, i.e. trauma. She was previously married and did have children. She only gets to visit them (long story), which we try to do as often as possible.

There has been a lot we have been though, a couple of hospitalizations, off of meds etc, a lot of stuff I blame myself for because of not knowing before hand. I am reading and learning as I go. The hardest thing for me right now is learning not to react, trying to respond.

She is back on medication and is doing much better. She still gets angry and agitated easy, which causes some pains.

I am reading Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder from Julia Fast and have another book on order. These are helping me, but, I must admit they scare the junk out of me at times to seeing what can happen.

Reading through these forums, its amazing how similar this illness effects people. Don’t get me wrong, I am just astonished I guess. When I read things, its like reading about my wife at times. I understand there are differences, which I know there are.

The problem right now I am dealing with is, there are many times, no matter what I say or do, I did something wrong. I get yelled at because I don’t say something, or I get yelled at for saying something. This is the thing I hate the most out of almost everything. darned if I do, darned if I don’t.

I am still learning, and hopefully can become better at handling this from everything I read. Like I said, I know responding is soo much better than reacting.
Posted 9/21/2010 3:29 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for sharing. I appreciate it.
Posted 9/21/2010 3:41 PM (GMT 0)
 

  WEll the old saying is "knowage is power". It is very commendable that you are doing your best to learn as much as you can about your wifes illness. THe more you understand what she goes thru the more you can help her and help yourself to steer you thru the rough waters ahead.

  Her gettign as much help as possible, medication, therpay, etc, will help her also. However you ahve to set limits, if she gets abusive, verbally or physically you have to have limits. My wife thought it was fine to get physically abusive, thats why she is on her way to becoming my ex wife.

  Good luck. Bill

Posted 9/21/2010 3:59 PM (GMT 0)
First I want to say thanks for joining us. The spouses of bipolars give us huge insight in how to improve our relationships and help them to work.

I am glad you have the "Loving Someone..." book. It's great. I got a copy, filled the margins with notes before I gave it to my fiance. Unfortunately, he didn't take full advantage of it.

Does your wife know you have the book? Has she read it? Would she be willing to go through and make notes for you so you can see HER point of view and struggles - not just the generic ones?

I have to say the simgle most important things that I see between my fiance and I and other bipolar-to-nonbipolar relationships I see described on the forum, is that I WILL NOT yell or raise my voice. I WILL NOT engage in conflict during a mood swing. Am I thinking it? H*ll yeah! I write my heart out on my blog, let it go and on the other side of the mood swing, I realize that I was projecting my anger onto him only because of the mood swing.

Is it possible to make a no-yelling-during-a-mood-swing pact? Give her her own special place to be. I have a bedroom in the basement. I have my favorite activities there, my dog can sleep on the bed down there. I have my favorite, most comfy bedding there. It is my place to be myself with no influence of "what would he think?" It is my place to celebrate, be a little manic, and to cry.

Does she have a safe place to withdraw to when a mood strikes?
Posted 9/21/2010 6:23 PM (GMT 0)
Tortise,

She doesn't know about the book. I am trying to figure out how to go about talking to her about it. I think she needs knowledge to and hasn't read anything really on bipolar herself.

I am having a hard time right now with I am always right syndrome. For example, She says something, I respond to her, and I get oh your the perfect one everything is my fault. No matter how I respond, I get yelled at. So, if I say something, she gets mad at me, then I don't respond, she gets mad, so a no win. I always try to talk calmly to her, but, that irritates her also. After a while, I can finally talk to her. So, for me to mention books, I am trying to find the right time. Also, a no yelling pact I don't know about.

She has her own craft room she can go to and stuff.

But, the kicker is, she tells me to go, I do and then she gets mad cause I went and left her alone. When she is in these moods of aggravation, its like this. It's real hard.

I am an emotional guy and I sometimes have to go away to let some tears flow, and she'll be yelling don't you cry..

Sorry for maybe sounding all over the place, just, difficult at times.

Yesterday, when she was angry, she said I looked scared of her. I said I wasn't scared of her, I am frustrated because I can't say or do anything. The last thing before she asked me this was, she was doing something and I guess she was struggling. She yelled at me and said, "can't you see i am struggling with this!!!". I was like no, I wasn't watching you do what you where doing. Then she asked me this and I told her what I said about being frustrated. She said I was just blaming her for everything again. I said I wasn't blaming her. I said gently its part of everything, the bipolar as nice as I could. I said I love you, I get frustrated at the illness. She calmed finally.

It seems that she gets stressed about things, get agitated, then it goes for a while, and she'll come out of it.

Thats the part I hate, when this happens, its the attack is on.
Posted 9/21/2010 6:41 PM (GMT 0)
1. "I can't do anything right" is a deep-seated hurt. I really struggle with this - especially since my fiance is Mr. Perfect. You might be doing things that seem like you are helping, but that make it worse.

For example, today I procrastinated on washing the dishes and he was NOT happy about it. I came back from my Dr. appt and he had washed them. I imagine his heart was in the right place, but it really hurt and reinforced the "I can't do anything right" feeling.

2. I will withdraw and tell my fiance to leave, but I desparately want him to wrap me up in a huge hug. I don't know WHY women are like that when they are hurting, but it's not uncommon. Try the hug. If she resists (like beyond 10 seconds) tell her that you are giving her a hug/kiss before leaving (I'd assume you always do). But don't be surprised if she falls apart crying. :)

3. You got the pattern down. Stressed - agitated - all better now.

4. You need your own space too. Don't let her kick you when you're down. I suspect she is either in a rage she can't control or she is terrified because her rock, her support is crumbling.

5. When you feel you are in a no-win situation. Stop. Ask her what she wants / needs.

6. Find a healthy release for aggression. Would she be interested in a kickboxing class?

7. She NEEDS you to realize how much she hurts. Otherwise in her agitation, she will want to make you hurt as much as she is. This is volatile and dangerous. You were right to say that you love her but are frustrated with the bipolar. Acknowledge her hurt. Ask her to describe it. Tell her that you want to understand so that you can support her.

8. Nonverbal communication can be powerful. My fiance and I struggle with verbal communication. But there are other ways to communicate. An email. I keep a totally honest, no-holding-back blog that he can read when he doesn't know what is going on in my head. I got Crayola window markers and leave notes for him (and myself) on the windows. I can write I love you on the front door where he will see it before he goes to work.

9. Take care of YOU. A bipolar relationship is a team effort. She needs to help on the team as best she can, when she can. There are weeks when my fiance takes care of EVERYTHING. It wears him down terribly. But in between those weeks, I step up and do everything I can to let him relax and just be.

Good luck!
Posted 9/21/2010 8:57 PM (GMT 0)
Well I did mention about reading books on bipolar and my wife was like no way. They all tell you the horror stories and what happens etc. I explained more that these books where about prevention and helping her. She said, well then you need to read it not me. I explained that its for me and her to help her. I explained a little bit about the book and explained that its a prevention thing. Hopefully she'll take to it. If not, i'll be on my own.
Posted 9/22/2010 8:58 AM (GMT 0)
You are a GREAT guy. Hang in there.

Tortoise, that was a beautiful reply. Do you think that her being so irritable and angry are signs that she needs something more in medication, more, or different? I've been wondering about therapy myself, Cbt and DBT to deal with my erratic responses, and feeling I can't do anything right.
Oh, regarding your sink full of dishes, we have a saying in our house. If you don't like the way I'm doing something, take over. It works both ways. My husband loves doing the dishes now, insists on doing them by hand, drying, putting away. He wipes everything down and makes it look real nice. I, on the other hand, hate the kitchen, and take as many shortcuts in cleaning up as possible, I guess it shows.
Posted 9/22/2010 9:12 PM (GMT 0)
Tufflife, thank you. I'm in the same situation, almost word for word, with my husband. I call it the "walking on eggshells" times... I try not to take the things he says to me personally, but at the same time, I can't understand how someone I love, someone who loves me, could say these things that hurt me so badly. And I fear the times that are bad, when I can't do anything right, and any response or reaction I have just makes things worse. I know most of the time that it will be over in a short time, but it's so hard, knowing it will happen all over again. My husband was on meds, which seemed to help the anger, but has gone off of them, since we don't have insurance. It seems so much worse now, maybe since I know it can be better. I try to take it day by day, I do love him, I am committed to him, we've been married 14 years, together for 19, he was diagnosed a few years into our marriage. But sometimes I just wish life was easier. It sure helps now, having this place to come and talk about what I'm dealing with, and getting advice from others in the same place. Hang in there!
Posted 9/22/2010 10:47 PM (GMT 0)
Stressed Wife - Google, "Free Meds", "Prescription Assistance" to see if they will help you with meds. Also try the pharmaceutical co.'s name (ask your pharmacist what it was he was taking and who the mfg was if you don't know ). If you are a certain income, don't have insurance you can apply online, and you can get them free. I did it once for Depakote. Got 18 mos.
Also, check Julie Fast's website, Bipolar Happens. Her books are great, and so is her site. I got her blog today and it is perfect advice for someone living with a Bipolar. Sign up for her free newsletter. That's too bad about his anger, that would be very difficult to take. Do you think your GP could prescribe something to calm him down? Sometimes you can get it with only a phone call. Ask for a generic. Send me your email if you want to see the blog. If you have disability, there is a place when ordering that you click, and you will get a special deal. She offered me the Health Cards (highly recommended) for $19.99. The books are downloadable. Read the advice Tortoise gave and really think about it. It 's good.
Posted 9/22/2010 11:00 PM (GMT 0)
Tufflife - I'm sorry your wife is being so uncooperative when you are trying so hard to help. Maybe if you tell her you got the book so that you could make your homelife more peaceful, make the relationship stronger, she'd go with it. You could read a few pages and then tell her what you read, see if she agrees with it. She eventually may get curious and pick it up herself.
Julie Fast had an excellent blog today in her newsletter. Hope you are receiving it. If not, let me know and I will send it in your email. Have heard that the Health Cards are great. Downloadable book. Do you think your wife needs something to calm her down, like Xanax or something? Just thinking. Hope something I've said is helpful. Good luck...
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