I feel a lot better about
myself being able to put a finger on what has been happening to me. I used to wonder what the heck was wrong with me and I thought I had simply become an uncontrollable loser who no matter what, was losing the ability to manage his life. I thought it was "just the way I was." But I still always felt there was some problem that had been somehow overlooked. Several years ago, someone told me that she thought I was bipolar but I dismissed it as ludicrous. I had described my past to her about
when I "felt on top" of life and had all this crazy energy and felt great. And she said, "That's bipolar-- You were manic." Naaaaahhh... That's stupid; she doesn't know what she's talking about
.
Well..... I guess I didn't really understand the disorder completely, or maybe just didn't want to believe that I had it, for fear of gaining a stigma. Better to ignore it, I thought. It was only more recently that I started to ponder the possibility, "You know, a lot of times, I do feel and act like a very typical bipolar person." I started to think about
my motivations and the way I felt and it seemed more and more like a possibility. And then one day, while living in complete agony and despair with symptoms everyday, and still shaking my head and fist, being upset about
it all... I realized... "These are mixed states." It took them becoming worse and worse for it to hit me in the face. What made it clear was when I finally realized that all within the same day, many times a day, I could be happy and laughing... but then, five minutes later, morbidly depressed and tired again. Maybe later, chuckling and thinking, "Life's not so bad," again. Minutes later, holding my head down in sadness.
It was stark enough that then, there was pretty much no doubt. And as awful and devastating as it is to feel like that, in one way, I started to feel a little better about
myself. I wasn't just "crazy" or a "loser." I had finally put a finger on the source, attached a name to a face. I was now standing at a place with directional signs to help me where to go, instead of wandering around aimlessly, just wishing that someday, a resolution would magically appear. Identifying the problem was reassuring in at least I could now start to understand how it works, how it works for me personally, and what I can do to put myself on a better road.
Just wondering if anyone else wandered the Earth, wondering what was wrong. To me, it's so much better to have that knowledge as a base to work from!
P.S. I also am not the type of person to shy away from problems-- I try to embrace them. I don't see flaws in myself, I see issues to be resolved. I'm never going to be embarrassed to be BP. I'm going to use it as a platform and learning experience to better myself.
Post Edited (Archelaus) : 9/22/2010 11:43:06 AM (GMT-6)