how did this happen to you? i don't quite understand it myself

I used to be Normal, or at least my version of it. Sure I was in pain, cried every now and then, struggled with self mutilation. But I functioned, went to therapy every now and then when I felt like I needed it.
I was competitive, outgoing, people were always drawn to me. I held a regular job, had kids, played softball every week....then this year the bottom fell out. Things seemed out of control. I couldn't hold on anymore. A Dr. Finally pinned it and diagnosed me with something more than major depression. BP2.... everything made sense.
The more I learned about what it was the more I started understanding myself and what had been going on all these years. Now I find myself without the ability to hold it all in. Anything stressful shuts me down and takes time to recover from. Its a different pain, in that I understand where it comes from now but that hasn't helped me. It just makes me angry that its happening and that I'm too weak to control it.
My Dr doesn't think i can work or go to school right now and I must say I think she's right. Due to my total melt down the other day in front of dozens of people. Was it ever like that for anyone else? How and why does it take over?

 There is a real learning curve to this desease. Not only do you have to learn how to live with BP in your life, you have to live with bp out of your life. By that i mean, the medication takes away a huge part of who we once were, our identity, our sexualiity, our creativity, so much that makes us wh we are.

   So we are left with this "new" person, kinda like a pair of new shoes that don;t fit right. This new person has new likes, new desires, new everything. This new person doesnt fit our old ideas and likes and desires. This new person not only has to deal with being "new", but it also has to come to terms with the guilt of years of screwing up and abuses.

   It's been 2 1/4 years for me, and i am only now finding my skin comfortable to be in. This process takes lots of time and effort. Alot of soul searching, and critical self assessment are also needed to learn how to live with this new you.

  Hang in there, give it the time it needs. You need to crawl before you walk, and walk before you run. You need to give youreslf the time it takes to accept that this is the new you.

   But it is worth it, there are better days ahead, and new challenges and things to enjoy. Give it the time it needs, you will get better.

  Bill

 

  Hey i hear you. I have recently realized that i can't handle highly emotional anger/rage type people (read my ex wife).  to me it means i have to talior my life to avoid this type of person and situation. So that means that in the future i may have to live a more quiet life, with out all the ups and downs of loving really hard.

   You have a host of different issues that i have no experience with, mine run more to PTSD side of the house. Once the meds get in you and start working it really does make a difference in therpay. At least for me it was a huge help. LIke i said,  i still had to come to grips with all the screwing up i did, but in the end i decided to give myself a pass on that stuff, i was out of my mind after all.

  If you work on those problems you can live a successful life afterward. The road is long and hard, but in the end it is really worth doing. My life now is filled with so much more peace and happiness than i have ever known in my life. I have taken a page from my dog, enjoy the simple things, good food, warm place to sleep, love, and a good tummy rub.      

    Good luck and keep posting.

  Bill

 Tortoise, that is a beautiful way to put it. Wow,

 I don't think you are losing yourself, I think it is finding a part of yourself that you never knew existed.

  You have a real gift there lady, way to go. I am going to steal this idea, just so you know