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So depressed and stressed

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 12/17/2010 1:26 PM (GMT 0)
Hey guys,

I don't want to bum any of you out who enjoy the holidays...but I need to vent. The depression has completely swallowed me at this point.

I don't know at all how I'm going to get through today at work. I am exhausted, I have no energy at all, no concentration or motivation.

I just want Christmas to be over. As usual, I can't afford to by anyone gifts and that is hard. Well, we are buying for my Mom and my niece and nephews but that is about it. It makes me feel awful. Not to mention our Dad disowned us last month and this will be our first Christmas in our whole lives without spending it with him.

I think though, the biggest thing that has me so down, is wondering if this is our last Christmas with our Mom (she has stage IV cancer for those of you who don't know my story). It's more than I can take.

Suicidal ideations are there. Of course no intention or plan; but I have the strong feeling of not wanting to be on this earth.

Sorry guys, I am just going through the worst time ever right now.

Hugs,
Mogs
Posted 12/17/2010 6:24 PM (GMT 0)
Mogli, dont give up you mean a lot to us on the board- you have been such a  great answer to my  posts. What would I do with out you.

I am praying foryou for wholeness and for the depression goes away.

hugs, Caren

Posted 12/17/2010 7:56 PM (GMT 0)
Since when is "buying nice gifts" a requirement for a holiday? Be easy on yourself. The best gift you have for yourself is lots of love to mom and family photos. The best gift you can give to your mom is your love. Write her a letter - it will be priceless.

XOXO
Posted 12/17/2010 8:19 PM (GMT 0)
mogs, feel free to call me when you need a lift. you still have my number? ifnot email me so I can send it to you again. you do have friends that understand and care about you.

and yes, I fee the holidays have been corrupted into something that puts way to muchstress on families to buy, buy, buy. that the only way to show your love is with exensive gifts. I will be glad to get thru the season and the into next year. I will take the cold of the deepest winter over the "holidays".


bill
Posted 12/18/2010 12:51 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Mogli,

I am sorry things are so rough.  The holidays do quite a number on so many people, stirring up guilt where it should not be and the pressure to do things we might not be able to do.  Focus on the relationships you have and being in the moment with those relationships.  The gift of your presence has to mean so much to others.  You give so much on this board, I can only imagine how much you do in other parts of your life.

Sun

Posted 12/20/2010 12:01 AM (GMT 0)
Wow guys,

Your posts mean the world to me. During a time when I am feeling so completely alone, your words made me feel like you all know the real me. I feel like I lose myself every day anymore. I am honored that you all feel my contribution to this board, especially when I really wish I could just do so much more for all of you.

Bill, I will give you a call sometime this week for sure. I am pretty sure I still have your number, I will go through my emails and if I don't have it I will email you.

Caren, thank you so much for your prayers, that means so much. Tortoise, you make excellent points. It's NOT about gifts. And THIS Christmas more than any other is about my Mom. My sister and I actually managed to spoil her rotten this year and it feels good. You and sun are so right. I am going to focus on family and our Christmas together. That is what matters right now. I decided I am going to take this Friday (Christmas Eve Day ) off as a vacation day.

I was alone all day and night yesterday and it was wonderfu. Things have been so tense between bf and I it was soooo nice to be alone. I played Christmas music while cleaning up the house then I watched a movie and cuddled with my kitty (Mogli) on the couch. We sat together with the Christmas tree and no other lights on. It was so peaceful. I am definitely feeling better today and I almost feel like I will be okay to go to work tomorrow.

Thank you all so much again for being there for me. You're the only ones who accept and understand me.

Many hugs,
Mogs
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