New member, looking for some support

Hey everyone,

I am a 24 yr. old male with a family history of bipolar. I was diagnosed with a form of bipolar when I was about 14 years old. Naturally I refused to believe it. The scars of growing up with a bipolar mother forced me to deny it. How could I be suffering from the same disease that almost killed my mother ? The same disease that I resented.

Well ten years later I have finally accepted it and realize to move on with my life I have to manage this. My first appointment with a counselor ( in ten yrs. ) is scheduled for tomorrow and I can not wait. This disease has basically destroyed my life. Sometimes you don't realize the path to recovery until you have hit rock bottom, and well I have certainly hit rock bottom.

During the lost year I have lost everything that is dear to me, my whole life lost right before my eyes, while I was too busy self-medicating with illegal drugs to try control the wild mood swings. Of course this just turned the focus of mental illness to drug addiction. I almost went to rehab and opted for suboxone treatment. But I knew deep inside this wasn't the issue, I knew all along my never ending appetite for all things opiates was a half hearted attempt at living a normal life. So I slowly started accepting my mental illness and stopped using on my own. I lost the love of my life this year, the woman who I was convinced I would spend the rest of my life with, the mother of our two beautiful children, the woman who has stood by me for four years. My erratic behavior and financial mismanagement caused us to lose our house where we resided for two years. My two vehicles are gone. I have had six jobs in the last year and have gone through ten jobs in the past four years. I haven't worked in seven months. I am heavily in debt to many banks and NY. I am forbidden from going to my kids house, because I stole from there. Since that incident I have been basically homeless, sleeping from couch to couch. It has been 5 months now. Three nights ago I was taken to the hospital by the local sheriffs. I had what I considered to be a nervous breakdown. Amazingly I convinced them to not hold me.

I would liked to have a good outro paragraph for this post, but unfortunately my mind is drawing a blank. As always I start something with great enthusiasm, but fail to achieve completion, so that is it for now, hope it wasn't too long of a read and I look forward to hearing from everybody here.

I will update after tomorrow's session. Good Night.

Hi Bobfirechief,
I have had similar issues with the jobs, money, denial, addictions... I know it seems like a lot to deal with, but over time, if you get help (which you are) then you can work through things. As for the jobs... oh goodness. It's hard to find a job that you don't absolutely hate that won't send you into a depressed state. I would suggest vocational rehab or going to the department of labor and seeing if they can help you. However, get treatment first, get stabilized, and then work on that. As for money, I found over the years that I have to ask myself (literally) "Do you really need this or are you impulsively spending?" For instance, I love to buy books. But I make sure not to spend too much - I have set a budget for myself: 1 book every paycheck (that's about $5 at Wal-mart) and many times I have told myself no to new shoes, etc. It sucks, but it's a lot better to say: I need this money for bills or gas or whatever is a necessity. I have learned (thankfully) over the years to curb my spending and if you ask yourself "Do I really need this?" seems to help for me. Maybe it will for you. As for denial, oh goodness. I actually went off my meds because I thought I was just having a bad streak and that I wasn't really bipolar. Yes, I lied to myself and that hurt me severely in the end. As for addictions, I love marijuana, but I refuse to smoke it anymore. I have not smoked in almost a year and have been offered many times to smoke with a friend, etc. I just tell myself, "Look what it did to you before. Once you start, you can't stop because you become mentally addicted to it." So, I just refuse to do that to myself ever again. Will I ever smoke again? I hope not, but I have to constantly remind myself of the situations I put myself in because of that, and that reminder has helped me. I have never tried harder drugs because I was too afraid of becoming addicted to them, so it might be different for you. Now, as for your relationship, do you think that after a while when your ex sees that you have stabilized and are compliant with your meds, can you work things out? You might want to save yourself some hope for that, too. It's possible, trust me! But I don't know your specific situation. Anyway, welcome, and sorry for the long-winded reply. Hope this helps at least a little.

Just remember that you have already admitted to yourself that you need help, so you're on the right path at least. Good luck!!!

 It all starts with acceptance, and it sounds like you may have found some. We have all made really bad decisions and mistakes. But you know what, many if us have recovered and rebuilt our lives. Yes the mistakes cost us dearly, but in the end we wer able to rebuild what looked to be broken forever.

  Now this isnt fast nor easy. But the rewards for sticking it out and working hard are huge. And one day you will be able to look back and see the woods you have just come out of. And you will know you did it.

  Medications help alot, but so does acceptance and treating this desease with a whole lota respect. This desease wants you to ignore it, to act like everything is ok. Thats when i can stab you in the back and cause you to do something ver stupid. I allways remind myself every morning that i am BP, and that i am just barely in control.

  ALso be as open as you can during therapy. I for one was and found it hugely helpful and very liberating. Once youtake the monster out of the closet, it isnt that scary.

  good luck.

 Bill