new member, 22 F, evil bipolar...?

Hey all, i have recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. i have been on low dose of lamotrigine for about a week now and im making an appointment with my new dr tomorrow for ongoing sessions.   this was my first visit to a psychiatrist, i had my mother come with me for the initial meeting with dr so that she could better explain my problems so that i could get help... may sound kind of silly but i black out and go insane and say and do violent evil things.... but only to my family members.... this has been going on for SIX YEARS.   background: i have dropped out of college and moved back in with my mother when my father died two years ago.... the only people who have known about my "insanity" is my family members... and not until about 4 years ago bc my mother was keeping it secret in order to protect my relationship with my older brother, cousins, and aunts and uncles. my moms sisters family came to stay with us a while back and i got wasted and when i came home apparently i was screaming how i was going to slit their throats and then slit my wrists.... this episode went on for a couple of hours in front of my 3 younger cousins... i scared them so bad they called the police on me and i was taken to hospital.   since then i felt hopeless bc my secret was out, my evil side had been exposed to someone other than my mother. i do not communicate with them anymore even tho they say they forgive me bc thats what family does..... but i have completely ended all communication with them 1 year ago... blocked from facebook...phone...everything. i have also cut all ties with my brother and his fiance. he has blocked me as well and lives on the other side of the country. I HAVE SAID AND DONE EVERYTHING I COULD IN ORDER TO MAKE MY FAMILY HATE ME BC I FEEL SO CRAZY THAT I DONT DESERVE TO BE LOVED BY THEM. I DID NOT WANT THEM TO HAVE ME IN THEIR LIVES. while living with my mother i call her a fat ugly **** on a daily basis.... I MEAN REALLY...WHO DOES THAT ***??!! IM DISGUSTED W MYSELF. THE WHOLE TIME I AM SAYING THESE HORRIBLE THINGS OUT LOUD, ON THE INSIDE I AM TELLING MYSELF TO SHUT UP AND STOP ... ITS LIKE I AM TWO PEOPLE IN ONE. I DO NOT WANT TO SAY AND DO THESE THINGS BUT I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER MY ANGER i feel like the real me is inside of my body but not in control of my words, i feel like the other person inside of me TAKES OVER AND THE REAL ME IS NOT IN CONTROL OF MY BODY.   AND MY THE HATE I HAVE FOR MYSELF IS SO STRONG I GUESS SOMETHING INSIDEOF ME IS JUST TRYING TO MAKE OTHERPEOPLE FEEL AS BAD AS I DO?   i remember most of the verbal things.. but i black out in fits of rage.   i have broken everything in my mothers home, 1000's of dollars worth of damage. i hit myself to punish myself afterwards to calm me down and also to punish myself for the evil "twin"inside of me comingout and being the one in charge of MY body. i have gotten tattoos i HATE in very VISABLE places on purpose in order to punish myself bc i feel like i do not deserve to be beautiful, ifeel like two people in control of one body. i am now about to finally start removal surgery. i have always dreamed and wished i had the guts to be able to cut myself. this past year i got a dui and decided to act on those feelings and i have cut my arms about 8 times. I HAVE STOPPED though.   i feel like i have been so evil that there is no hope for the future or any reason to try and get better bc ive already damaged every family relationship i have. my mother tells me all is not lost and that i am loved and that i can mend everything with help and HARD WORK. but i dont think theres a point bc the whole time im with family im going to be freaking the F!@# out and have such high anxiety bc i KNOW that they are just going to be thinking about how messed up i am and everything ive done in my past that moving forward just seems impossible. anxiety  is through the roof.   well, thats my story ... in a nutshell of course. i hope there are others out there who maybe can relate to what im going through or possibly give me some hope for change and moving forwards with my life. i dont see a point to anything at all. we live, we die. i have absolutely no motivation for anything. i work one day a week.   maybe this is borderline personality disorder?   im going to read this post to my psychiatrist next time i see her.

(I'm 25, so we're close in age) You sound exactly live how I was 1 year ago. My whole family basically hated me. I lost custody of my 2 kids, lost my house, and everybody that mattered to me. A lot of your story sounds exactly like how CRAZY I really was. Since I've been on lamictal (the medication you're on) my whole life has changed. I've mended my relationships with my family... Medication completely changes your personality! Just give it time! I'm on 200mg and it just got upped to 300mg because I have seizures and its also used to control seizures. But have faith and give it time! Use this site as much as possible to interact with people who have gone through what you've gone through. People who truly understand you!