Posted 3/31/2011 1:44 AM (GMT 0)
I'll try to make this as short as possible, because I could prably write a book...
I am a 28 y/o black man with SSA (same-sex-attraction), that I've had from as early on as I can remember--maybe 5 or 6y/o. Even now, I cringe as I admit this to total strangers. I don't say that I'm "gay". I still feel uncomfortable with that label. But I have had several encounters... which makes me wonder, am I lying to myself? Am I trying to be something I'm not. At 28, I should know what and who I want to be (and often condemned for not knowing). I often think, "What is wrong with me!" "Something has to be seriously wrong with me?" "Why am I different from everybody else?" "Why am I so confused?" Sometimes I think that maybe I do know who I am but just don't want to accept who I am. It's a daily wishy washy tug of war. Something tells me I don't have the slightest idea who I really am, while somethng tells me that I know exactly who I am but am afraid to admit it to myself.
And then I think, this is such a vast and complex world with all types of people (highly attractive people, unattractive people, multitalented people, handicapped people, the old, the young, the living, the dead, etc...) and things (animals, insects, wildlife, plants, elements, etc...) in it, much more the universe. So who am I to be so focussed on myself??? Am I just wallowing in self pity? Then again, how will I know what my purpose is here if I don't focus on myself? Where do I fit in?
Then there is the constant mental conflict between my religion and my sexuality--and how do I reconcile the two? Is there any reconciliation n the matter? It's like a constant tug of war between two COMPLETELY different personalities. Then I feel like I'm being fake, because I know when and where to turn it on and turn it off.
Then there is my stong desire to have someone to love and cherish. I know what I want, but after I get what I want, will I be happy or will I regret that I got what I wanted? Will I feel an overwhelming guilt that causes me to become suicidal? All I know is that just about every single day, I fall in love at first--really. And being in college doesn't help, because there are beautiful guys everywhere--to the point that it's distracting to academic success. It seems every 10 minutes (at the most), my head is turning (like a magnet) to catch the next beautiful guy that just walked by (after begging myself not to look), or who's 5 seats across from me--and G-d help if he sits right next to me (have a silent anxiety attack). Then I think, shame on me for being so desperate! Because I know that I am nowhere near ready to be in any kind of relationship with anyone right now, with all of my baggage--I would feel that I'm doing a person a grave disservice... and if that one perfect "Prince Charming" came to me riding on a white horse, I would politely tell him to get back on his horse and ride off into the sunset... So, I don't know why I even entertain the idea of having a significant other, but I do--habitually.
Sometimes I seriously regret being born. But then I see people with handicaps and people who are so misfortuned that it seems cruel, and my heart breaks as I think of how selfish I am to think I am so misfortunate. Still, I consider the fatct that, whoever I am (fortunate or misfortunate), I didn't ask to be who am. I didn't ask to have the desires that I have, along with the prejudices. I'm just here by a draw. But WHY?