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My bi-polar wife is having an affair---advice needed--

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Posted 4/6/2011 9:49 PM (GMT 0)
 I am new to this forum so please forgive me if things seem a bit garbled.

After 5 years of being together, I have found out  my bi-polar wife is cheating on me with another man for about 4 months.  I have always put her first in my life, buying things I knew we could not afford to make her happy and taking her verbal abuse when she went into one of her moods.   Her needs have always been before mine however whatever I do never seems to be enough.  If I wash all the dishes, she will say I forgot to put them up or if I clean the house, she will say I forgot to put my jacket up.

Shortly after we met, she stopped taking her meds and has not been on them for several years. I am not sure if this would matter but..... 

I am a very shy person and only in college was I able to come out of my shell a bit.  She has always stated that I do not communicate enough, that I do not show enough affection towards her, and that I do not have sex with her enough (which is the main problem).  I can not keep up with her in this area and when I say no, she takes it as a personal rejection. 

 

She has not worn her wedding ring since we had a big fight about 4 months ago and will not allow me to touch her.  She stated that she had warned me over the years she was not happy with who I was and that if I could not make her happy, she would find someone who would .  I attempted to change the things in my life she did not like but I was unable to change to her satisfaction.  Now I am left wondering what to do, as I know she is cheating and yet I am hesitant to confront her for fear of her leaving me and our daughter.   I knew when we were married things would be difficult but I always thought that we could get through anything in life if we worked together.  I am currently going to marriage counseling but the only thing I am being advised is that there is nothing I can do as she has already given up.

not sure what to do

 

Posted 4/7/2011 4:28 PM (GMT 0)
If she's given up there is nothing you can do but go on with your life with your daughter. I bet you will be much happier without her. Change is scary but the new growth leads to happiness. Start by accepting that you are perfect just the way you are. One day you will meet someone who sees that. Don't buy into the bullish!t that your wife is cheating on you because she doesn't get enough or the right kind of sex. That's the way she rationalizes it and lies to herself because she can't deal with the fact that she's wrong and hurting you. Most marriages never make it after infidelity unless both people are willing to work at it super hard and go to lots of counseling. It often takes years to build trust again. This does not sound like your situation. You will find someone else. Let her go and move on.
That is what I would do. But only you know what is best for you.
Posted 4/8/2011 11:43 PM (GMT 0)
Red Lightening,

Thank you for the advice. I know it sounds weird but I am having a hard problem letting go. I am one of those husbands that took my vows seriously when I married and want to see this marriage through, even if this means having to come to terms with the fact that my wife has been dishonest and has been unfaithful to me. Everyone I talk to states they would leave in a heart-beat. I question why I have such a hard time considering this option given the background situation.

Someone told me that the reason she is unfaithful is that she is trying to find something to fill a void in her life and is looking for someone that will make her "happy". If it is the mental illness that is doing this, how can I fault her for this.....I just don't know. If she would start taking her meds, what might be the change in her actions and mood.

My plan is to be here for my daughter until she decides to leave and file for divorce. I know it will be hard during this time but maybe something will happen that will cause her to see what she truly stands to lose and change her mind.

Although I love my daughter more than anything, it was my wife who was one who pushed to have a child and now that we have a beautiful daughter, she seems overwhelmed by the responsibility. I can home today and she gave our 15 months old to me and has been gone for 3 hours without saying a word.....I guess I can't understand what is going on in her mind which is part of the problem

Thank you again for your advice and input.
Posted 4/9/2011 1:32 AM (GMT 0)
 

  Yea, she has given up and moved on, time for you to do the same. My wife was exactly the same, (except she isnt diagnosed bp she has all the classic BP2 symptons). When i finally left it was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.

  Its been almost eight months now and things keep getting better and better. Also her problems was affecting my problems (BP also, not exactly sure what kind) Life has been so much better.

   You need to look forward toward a new life with you and your child. Thats where you should spend your energy.

  Bill

Posted 4/12/2011 4:35 PM (GMT 0)
Hey, I know what you mean (ezcept my wife is not cheating that I know of) it is hard to give up and to admit it is final. Living with a bipolar spouse is about 1000 times harder than a normal marriage and I feel that I took a vow in sickness and in health. My wife is sick and so is yours. I did decide that if my wife ever cheats i will leave no question. I cannot fill my vows while she breaks hers. Some women with bipolar have an extremely high sex drive and it ruins many marriages, on the other side of the coin my wife has no sex drive at all and we are only 29. If her meds change she will have a manic episode that lasts a week or so per year and that is the only time I get to feel like a man. It sucks to be on either side, and infact many things about living with a bipolar spouse suck, but if the vows are broken IMO you are better off getting your daughter away from it and moving on so she can have some stability in her life.
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