So much more than "depression!"

My wife has "depression." I put this in quotes because I know that it is way deeper than depression. We have no insurance, so she is seeing a state doctor. That is our ONLY option right now with limited income. My wife is paranoid, has severe mood swings, and cries at the drop of a hat. She wrote this letter and presented it to her psychiatrist:

"I sought therapy sometime last year. In January of this year, I stopped therapy because I felt like I had found the answer. Pain pills.
When I started taking pain pills, I felt the anxiety go away, the paranoia went away, the depression went away and I felt "cured." Almost as if it were an anti-depressant. As soon as I stopped taking them, the same feelings came back that I longed to rid of. What did I do? I ran to the liquor store. The pain pills were eating a hole in my pocket book, so I had to stop them. This was a 2 month long ordeal (pain pills).
I went on a drinking binge for 10 days - 2 weeks (can't recall). I have been without anything for 12 days now. The fleeting thoughts are back. The paranoia is back at full force. The anxiety is back. And, so is the feeling of depression, hopelessness and I feel at my best when I am in isolation. And, believe me, my "best" is BAD. I find myself having outbursts of crying, sudden rage and very disturbing thoughts.
My husband seems to think that I am bipolar. I thought, "No way am I bipolar!" I looked it up and did some research, and it fits me to a T. I need help. I want help. I would like to live a happy, normal, productive life! I cannot fathom that right now, with the way I feel in my "normal" mode.
I don't have the guts to OFF myself, but the story sure plays out in my mind. I visualize how it would happen. With so much detail that I even "see" the police officer telling my husband about my death. These thoughts are EXTREMELY disturbing, but I cannot get them out of my head.
I fear leaving the house. I don't even want to open the back door to let my dogs out because I feel like it's opening myself up. To what? I have no idea. I took a bath this morning, and felt this really strange feeling. Something told me to look at the doorknob behind me. I was afraid to, because I felt like, if I did, I would see it move. As if someone were behind the door, turning it. I then felt very panicked. These types of thoughts are constant! They keep me anxious. My racing thoughts keep me exhausted. My rages of anger keep me feeling guilty and ashamed.
I have no desire, motivation or energy to do anything when I feel this way. When I was taking pain pills, I felt invincible. I could go on and on. I felt unstoppable. Now, I am just a lethargic, depressed and unmotivated mess!"

I am no doctor, but this is NOT just depression. The doctor has her on Wellbutrin, Abilify, Ambien and Buspar. These meds are NOT working. She has only been on them a few weeks. Before that, she was on Cylexa. She also has tried Prozac. Well, she has been on just about every antidepressant that is out there. Wouldn't that be a clue that it is deeper than depression?!!

I am, obviously, highly frustrated.

Post Edited (rockydog1976) : 5/18/2011 2:08:01 PM (GMT-6)

Unfortunately, one of the worst symptoms of BP (assuming that's what this is), is denial. My wife went through it and still thinks the 3 doctors and 2 therapists that diagnosed her might be wrong. And this is after quitting drinking and religiously taking her meds for three weeks now. But she does acknowledge that she is feeling better and is more calm. I still have to remind her to take them, on almost a daily basis. I was told that it is going to take a commitment on my part to ensure that she continues to help herself. And that means staying on her to keep on the right path. That may seem impossible right now for you, but if she gets help, it will probably get better.

What your wife is doing is what is called "self-medicating". She has taken her medical care on herself. The first paragraph of her letter clearly says this. I hope her doctor pointed this out to her. She (either consciously or unconsciously) knows that something is wrong and is trying to medicate the problem. The problem (you should probably point this out to her) is that she is not a doctor and isn't qualified to prescribe medicine/treatment.

The sad part is even if you catch her in a lucid state and she acknowledges the problem, she may easily relapse into her prior behavior. This happened to my wife. Just when I thought I had finally gotten through to her, the next day (or even the next hour) it seemed to go out the other ear. If she doesn't come to the point where she realizes that she needs to help herself and you can't do it for her, something is going to break on her side or yours.

Good luck to you. If you or someone can convince her to take prescribed meds and stop self-medicating, I think you will find that things will turn around. At least it did for me, but mine is an on going saga, and I realize it.

Post Edited (ebonyknight) : 5/19/2011 6:31:20 AM (GMT-6)

Thank you for sharing your wife's letter it has given me more insite of what my husband feels he is Bipolar 1 with mix episodes.

Your wife seems to be Bipolar 1 everything she describes in the letter my husband descibe to me. One thing is listening and another is actually reading it.

It does take 6 weeks for meds to start working. My husband's meds have been changed about 6 times now since he was diagnosed almost 3 yrs ago. And my husband does go to therapy and he has only gotten worse. Abilify was an excellent med for my husband but it gave him a really bad side effect so he had to stop it.

Be patient and hopefully you will start seeing changes , but it is NOT an easy journey it Takes a very strong determined person to care for a BP spouse. Hope all the best for you.