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Posted 8/30/2011 6:03 PM (GMT 0)
Hello all I posted this in my other thread but it was getting so long and this is just a question I have that I just have a hard time dealing with and that Im confused on.

I don't think my wife looks at me the same as she did in the beginning, I even looked at pictures of us early on and I see a different gleam in her eyes than I do now. She doesn't act like she enjoys sex with me like she use too, it seems like it is harder to get her to reach orgasms that it use to be. She shows she is more interested in hearing how nice she looks from other people, when I say it she says thanks with no excitment or any kind of flattered feelling. She doesnt lay next to me or when I come in the door if I get a hug from her it's like she is doing it because she has too. Ok so all this stuff is definetly warnings signs of someone that is getting ready to leave you I am not stupid. But is it a different case when it comes to BP???? This is my question because I am totaly confused....... bad and here is why. She talks future constantly, talks about our future finances when she gets done with school, on where we will live or what kind of house we will have or how she wants our room to be set up or something she wants for our kitchen. Also she keep wanting to get family pictures of all of us together. Now why would you want this if you were thinking you didn't want to be with this person anymore or wasnt sure? She also talks to me about having another kid, and not just me she mentions it to everyone when the subject gets brought up. She just spoke to me this weekend about what we would name the baby if it was a girl or boy. Now here is the kicker we are in no way finacialy stable for another kids so we were both talking it would be in 2 to 5 years. So why does she act like this but talk future is that part of BP, her conversations to me and her mom confuses the both of us, why does she act this way and do things that can destroy our relationship if she does not look at her future with me not in it? If any female could answer this that would be great!!!!

Thanks In Advance!!!!!

Posted 8/30/2011 7:09 PM (GMT 0)
It's the illness,MyspousehasBP. She is in a mental fog and has a routine that she believes is the right way to behave. It can't be really genuine until she gets psychotherapy and comes out of it.

My suggestion would be to just keeping talking to her rationally letting her know what the real situation is. Keep trying to get psychotherapy for yourself even if she refuses to go. She is hurting you psychologically whether she knows it or not. Frankly, I would be wary of a potential let down for you as time goes on without therapy in her life.

She needs to be on medication, in my view.

Take care of yourself and keep expecting to get help from your psychiatrist. He really knows best what's going to help her at this point.

It' Genetic
Posted 8/30/2011 7:43 PM (GMT 0)
Maybe google "borderline personality disorder" see if anything looks familiar. I have both, so when I write this reply it will be impossible for me to describe the responses as bipolar disorder only.

Future talk is avoidance. Plus daydreaming stimulates postive feelings. It also causes frustration when she comes out of her dream fog and realizes it is not going to happen. If YOU get tied up in this future talk, then it will be "your fault" that you didn't make it happen - no matter how unrealistic. Let her talk, but try to encourage logical thinking. If she's gushing about a perfect house maybe ask "How soon do you think we can do that? But this is a REALLY fine line to play. You need to dream with her, without getting involved in the dream, encourage logical thinking without her feeling like you're trashing her future. If you do that... you are d.o.n.e.

Psychiatric drugs often have sexual side effects. Like no sex drive or inability to orgasm. She might actually NOT enjoy sex and it has nothing to do with you! Talk to her when she's in her right mind. Google her meds and see if it is a side effect. Ask her "is it me?" (I know, you don't want to know). Ask her to mention it to her Dr.

If she is lacking enthusiasm about your praise, but appreciates it from others, this is likely a sign of mistrust. She has been so hurt in arguements (that she probably started) that she no longer believes anything you say to be true. Unless it's something critical. In which case she would be completely devestated. But she won't say so, she'd act out by shopping for clothing, makeup, manicure, haircut, go out to parties, bars, and flirting with every mirror or reflection she sees.
Posted 8/31/2011 6:00 PM (GMT 0)
Ok I was just going off of my other post and didn't remember I needed to put all the information about to explain the situation. She is on Abiliby 10mg it seems to of helped her bt in my opinion I think it should be increased some. I spoke with her doctor about it a little and he thinks it might need to be increased a little also. As of a psychotherapy our insurance doesn't cover hardly anything to do with that and the loops you have to just through to get it covered well if your haveing stressing mental issues what is going to drive someone to get through those loops? Also as of that kind of therapy the area we live in does not have much to offer.

Our insurance that we have does not let you go out of network if there are in network docs and the group we would have to go has a long interview process that would make anyone feel uncomfortable. She did however go to a counselor that did not focus on BP and kind of chased her off of that idea. Our family doctor has spoke to her about it and helped us out with it allot. She admits that she has BP and does not deny that at all. She just doesnt educate herself on it at all and does not know or understand severity of it.

If any of you know of any good articles or education flyers that I could print out and give her, I do not want a book because I don't want it overwhelming to her but to catch her interests on basicaly the importance of the medications and phsycotherapy and something that has information to let her know what I go through, that a BP spouse has to put up with. So maybe that will trigger her into thinking do I do that or maybe help her realize it and calm down some. I read an article that said BP was basically the divorce syndrome. Something on that, and the dedication it takes to keep a marrage going. If any of you have any ideas for that let me know the links or where to find the best ones.

Thanks again I realy am appreciative of the support.
Posted 9/1/2011 12:23 AM (GMT 0)
I really suggest the book because it takes all the information you'll find scattered in other sources and combines them into an action plan.

It is written for the non-bipolar spouse, and each section includes exercises to do alone or with the bipolar partner.

I've never heard bipolar called "the divorce syndrome", but like I've posted recently it all depends on whether the bipolar partner is in treatment.
Posted 9/1/2011 3:11 PM (GMT 0)
Well I got the divorce syndrome comment from a couple internet searches, one claimed that the divorce rate between married couples where one of the couple has BP is at a 90 percent rate. I can understand it we went through allot and actualy seperated for a short time and now that I know she struggles with BP it makes the situation a little easier for me to handle. If I wasn't dedicated to my marrage as I am then we would of never made it. I have forgiven allot of things just realy struggle forgetting which causes me some heart ache and distrust. I find myself wondering whats going through her head allot which makes me wonder what she is doing. I have never been this way if I didnt trust the one who I was with then I didn't want to be with her. But I truely love this girl I care for her and her well being, I want her to be happy, and to enjoy life. I the majority the time put her happiness in front of mine, I am good as long as she is happy. When she is unhappy I do not care what I do it just bugs the hell out of me and I can't stand it so I am not happy.

As of the documents that I am looking for is something to give to her that is a short discription if possible of the severity of the disease. She does not know the severe it is and that it can get worse. She accepted that something wrong with her and that it is Bipolar but does not think its a big deal that every one if bipolar to a certain extent. She does not take well to me saying that she is wrong so I want her to read it, I have not corrected her on this because she is a pretty defensive person and has to be proven wrong and I am not going to do that. I am just going to suggest reading material. So if anyone out there can find a good explination of how severe this disease is and the importance of taking care of theirselve by watching their caffine, and alchol intake and also how they can be aware of when the mood swings are coming on and the impact that it takes on loved ones.

I wished there is something that she could come across that explains the impact that it does do to thier loved ones and the spouse and the dedication that it takes for a spouse to stick around and support them I think all this stuff would help our marrage out tons. I am just reaching here, I love her and I am dedicated definetly, but wished I could get just a little credit or understanding from her of my sacrifices I have made for her or just a little thank you for sticking by her. It would help some of the resentment or hurt that hangs around in my heart because of some of the things she has done to me. I just feel like she treats her friends with more respect and loyalty that she does me sometimes and the screw her over all the time. I never have and never will, I am by her side and totaly support her in all her desicions to the best that I can. She will never find a friend that will be supportive or loveing as I am and I just want a little thanks or that she realizes that and I am not getting it. Just that little small thing could erase any wrong that she has ever done to me. I am not perfect but if I ever hurt her feelings in anyway I would appoligize for it and make up for it untill she was sick of me making up for it. Whe she hurts me she just lets things smooth over and get forgot about.

Thanks for listening!!!
Posted 9/1/2011 8:14 PM (GMT 0)
There's a lot of false information floating around. I have never found any journal-published study or survey regarding divorce rates. I think it is something based in hype, fear, or propaganda. Don't worry about it. It doesn't matter anyway because you'll never know whether you are in the 10% or the 90%. I think that this alters your thinking and makes any problems worse: self-fulfuilling prophecy.

Unless I am missing something (very possible), your complaints are:

1. You are upset that she doesn't verbally acknowledge the POTENTIAL severity of bp.
2. You are disappointed she doesn't apologize to you, and you are getting resentful.
3. You are hurt because she doesn't find your sexually attractive and/or has lower sex drive.

She's not standing in the middle of the highway at 3 a.m. screaming that she is Jesus. She is not severely affected as far as I can tell from your comments.

I'm starting to think you are sensitive - possible overly sensitive - person, and you're looking for someone to blame. She won't take on this from you, which makes you even worse. Independent of her illness, you say things that demonstrate a lack healthy boundaries.

I think you need therapy. (She might need it too, but that doesn't mean that you don't.)
Posted 9/8/2011 12:10 PM (GMT 0)
Well your are kind of right here is my answers

    1) Yes she does not know the severity of BP, she made a comment that everyone is BP in their own way. And knows very little about it, she was told by her doctor to read up on it an educate herself on it and she has not.

    2)She flat out blow up and know she is in the wrong and very rarely ever appoligizes, yes over time resentment does set in but not realy on the blowing up, it's the doing things behind my back such as flirting with people she knows I don't want her even talking too. I called her out on it and did not get a sincere appoligy for doing it just that she wont do it again and then she was mad at me. However I will admit she told me the next day that she could never see herself with out me in her life and she didnt want to lose me. <---- But then again in a later conversation she said she didnt see the big deal of what she did even though in the past we almost broke up because of her talking to this guy and she couldnt understand why it bothered me so much. ( I just dont want you think I am a too sensitive overbearing guy, I give her more freedom that most spouses get and if I didnt we wouldnt be together she likes her independence. And thats fine just make me confident in our relationship.

      3) And yes it bothers me that she doesnt show any sexual want towards me, and I have asked her what it is if she is still attracted to me or not and she said yes. But no matter how hard I try or when we do have time it just doesnt seem like she is into it like she use to be. I am actualy in better shape now than I was when we married. Just the spark is disappearing and trying to get it back I guess. Also look at it anyone that has been through what we have been their confidence and security in the relationship would be rock, I guarantee anyone who cared for their wife and marriage would be wanting a little more insecurity.

    4) In closing, because of all of this yes maybe I am a little sensitive, but when the bp takes control of her or whatever it is she just acts like she doesnt want me around or could do with out me, or I am just a live in partner or roomate. I am not I am her husband, when I make a comment hey babe you look beautiful I should get thank you babe that is sweet, or a hug and a kiss or a simple gesture that it flattered her not yea right and walk off from me. I made a post on her FB page the other night, I was setting waiting for her to get ready we were going out together, I put on there when she walked out of the room that I was floored by how beautiful she looked and how lucky I was to have her and that I loved her very much. Her pages was flooded with likes and comments it melted all her friends hearts I was told that I was sweet and cute and so on. You know she didnt even like it or make a comment on there or even say a word about it to me it was like I didnt even post it. And trust me she saw it she lives on FB!

     So in closing and I can be totaly taking wrong what you were trying to say as of me being sensitive yes you are totaly right I am one of those people who wears there heart on their sleave, but I dont think I am a overbearing possesive husband, or stick to her like glue. I am emotionaly hurt by my wife not giving me the attention that she use too, I am a loyal person that when I dedicate myself to someone that means you got me and you have nothing to worry about I wont play games and I will be by your side no matter what, just give me a little back and it will all be good.

      What I am confused about is how she puts off that she would never want to loose me but she does nothing to keep me, and she puts so many risks out there that most spouses would of already left. Why talk about haveing another kid or about where we will be in 5 years when you are busy being shady and treating me like she does. Even her mom which has supported me soooo much through this says she can't understand why she does the things she does when she convinces her mom that she couldnt live with out me. Her mom has called her out on it.

Thank you for your feedback I do need it.

 

Posted 9/8/2011 2:58 PM (GMT 0)
I do hear you there, sorry if I came off too strong, but I really wanted to convey my message in writing over net, which is hard to do sometimes!

You don't come off as controlling or sticking-like-glue. What I meant more is that by wearing your heart on your sleeve, you are going to get hurt more from her bp symptoms than someone who does not. I'm asking you to protect your heart.

You can't change her. You can change yourself to be more resilient. For example with #4, I don't think you're wrong at all. I think you thoughts are quite valid. HOWEVER, by saying "I am not I am her husband, when I make a comment hey babe you look beautiful I should get thank you babe that is sweet, or a hug and a kiss or a simple gesture that it flattered her not yea right and walk off from me." you are setting an expectation. There is a behavior that you EXPECT from her. You're not going to get it at this poinbt so you are getting hurt every day! You can't make her change her behavior. However, you can change your expectations. You need to feel wanted, you need to feel needed. You can get those needs met elsewhere (I am not referring to an affair). I'm thinking some volunteer work where you know you are wanted, needed and appreciated. With that need better met, you'll be more resilient at home. You feel hurt less - and less intensely.

This is why I suggest therapy for you. To help you cope with what you have. to help you get through the rough times without so much resentment that you can't enjoy the good times.

Take care of you!
XOXO

Post Edited (tortoise11) : 9/8/2011 9:02:24 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/8/2011 6:46 PM (GMT 0)
Yes the Resentment can eat me up at times, I am the type of person that can go move on, and I would rather that because I can not stand fighting at all. As of being needed and appreciated I guess that is going to be a problem, because I am needed at work, and have friends that ask me to do something all the time. I wont be lonely I guess I just for the first time in my life I opened my heart and went head first into this relationship and now I am paying for it. I can get attention from other people and support, but I am wanting it from my best friend in life. My Wife, she was always my best friend and sometimes I feel like I have lost that. I want my wife happy so I always put her first just wish she would reconize that and put me first in her life too.

Thanks again for your support!!! I have been trying what you described for about 2 months now, just keep telling myself to harden your heart, do be so sensitive to things she says or does, just brush it off and go on. I was told by her mom that her dad was exactly the same to her and she done everything, took the abuse for years and one day she looked at him and realized she didnt love him anymore and it didnt bother her so she left him. I sometimes wished that would happen to me so I quit getting hurt, I do not believe in divorce I took my vowes to heart and want to stand by her though the good times and the bad but sometimes I can handle the pain of getting my heart broke. Why cant I just say I dont care like her and walk away, and go on? It will just stay in my mind and Ill worry about our relationship until she calms down and everythings smooths over between us. Such as yesterday and today, she has been real nice to me and all about us but deep down in my heart I know there is a trigger right around the corner and I am going to be let down and hurt. If I can just get my heart to harden a little and hers to soften a little then I think we will be ok. I started posting on here when we were at a bad point and I didnt know what to do other than think of I need to prepare myself for divorce which I absolutely know would be a big mistake for the both of us. It would be a big mistake on her part because the chances of her finding someone as supportive and passive as I am is slim to none. And it would be a mistake on my part because this is one of those situations you hear about where people say man he never got over his ex. She is the one and will always be the one. I love her soooooo much and I think my family is soooo beautiful I have had people say they were jealous of our family and relationship. Funny huh how some people can hide things. But anyways I want to say, " Thank You Jesus for my beautiful wife and perfect family that you have gave me and blessed me with, and please Jesus forgive me for complaining about the hard things and obsticales that I run into trying to hold it together. If I wasnt meant to be with her then you would not of gave her to me. Jesus I will do every thing I can to hold this family together I just ask that you give me the streghtn and light the path that I should follow that will help us and our relationship. Jesus I know that without you we are doomed so please hold us tight and dont let us stray. Thank you again Jesus for my family!!! I love you and in Jesus name AMEN.
Posted 9/8/2011 9:37 PM (GMT 0)
AMEN!!

XOXO
Posted 9/9/2011 12:06 PM (GMT 0)
Just wanted to let you all know she treated me pretty good last night, we went for a walk together and hung out as a family. Good night with her, thank you Jesus I have needed the last few days I have had with her.
Posted 9/14/2011 11:27 AM (GMT 0)
Was wanting to touch base with any of you that have read some of my posts, I want to keep in touch with you all. My wife has treated me fairly well the last few days. She has included me in her life the here lately which has made me sleep better at night. She sent me a text right before I went to bed last night to say good night. Which seems little but its those kind of things that help, it lets me know she is thinking of me and its usualy me doing that. A touch in the middle of the night or a kiss for no reason are the things that I feel set doubts and distrust at ease. To be loved by someone so much and to have someone stand by you like I do my wife is a rare and great things. If you have a spouse that is dealing with your BP and forgives and forgets your mood swings and supports you. When things are level in your head just sit back and look at everything your spouse puts up with and show supports for and think about them. Would you do that for them would you be able to forgive like they do, and then do something for them to show you realize and appreciate it. That I guarantee would make their day and would wash aways all the resentment that might be setting in their heart.

Thanks again and also through Jesus is where I get my strength.
Posted 9/18/2011 3:01 AM (GMT 0)
How is it going?!
Posted 9/21/2011 11:52 AM (GMT 0)

Guess it could be worse, I try and count my blessings so one big blessing is that we are still a family. But we don't realy talk about things, if I try to talk to her it just makes her feel like ok now whats wrong. She don't say that but she definetly puts the vibe off. If she didn't call me and talk to me all the time I would prob be pretty insecure about our relationship but she does. As of being intimant ummmm we thats not happening. I am one of those husbands that want that all the time and I have gotten to where I don't want to ask for it because I don't want to aggervate her or I am tired of being turned down. We use to all the time but not now. She tells me she loves me and talks to me as a friend and is nice as long as things are going well for her Except for Sunday GHEESSHHH. She woke up being realy nice offered to cook breakfast, and was being realy nice. She was tired and I told her to take a nap that I would watch the kids so for her to go to bed and she said she would wait for the kids to take their nap. I said ok, and someone call and asked us to do something. So I guess between this time she feel asleep on the couch, well when I asked her if she wanted to go to lunch with our friends she blew up!!!!!!! For wakeing her up, I said I thought you were going to wait till the kids take their nap and smarted off to me, She was mad at me all day, What the heck. I tried talking to her about it and that made it worse so I left it alone and I never did get an appology from her anything. Just acted like nothing happen.

Guess its just something I have to live with I guess if I want my family together, to just let her blow up and treat me like that even though I go from day to day offering my support and doing everything I can to help her, I feel like I get no support from her at all.

Even with all this I still love her with all my heart. My family is my life.

Thank You for checking on me......

Posted 11/18/2011 6:46 AM (GMT 0)
I know this thread is a couple months old, but i was browsing through and your post sounds like my everyday life, my wife was diagnosed bpd with rapid cycling. married 6 yrs and have a young girl. She is medicated, and does see a case worker once a week. our marriage is in shambles, i too feel something missing, i dont feel loved or appreciated, my wife is educated and had a good job when we married, but shortly lost it and hasnt been consistent since. she now says she cant work (that may be the case) but has put a HUGE stress on me since i do not make enough money.
I do without alot, just so she can have what she needs, but im still told im at fault, im her trigger, she doesnt love me anymore, she wants a divorce, disrespects and curses me in front of my daughter, then is remorsefull afterwards.
meds do affect sex drive, our sex life is little to none and im in my 30's! not fair, but i am more concerned about myself staying strong cuz i feel like i now need a doctor and am getting depressed......myspousehasbp, I feel your pain, I have a beautiful wife that id never thought would lose that "gleem" u were talkin about in her eye, now its a look of resentment, anger. and sadness. I know i can be a better supporter to her, and am trying, I thank you, and your post gave me some hope, as well as many here. godbless you all. pray for me please.
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