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miss the intensity of moods after medication?

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 8/31/2011 12:13 AM (GMT 0)
So i had a flashback the other day. an image... of when i was in the hospital for the first time. I was looking at the moon and the window with bars, the twining ivy round the metal bars with spears on the ends. And i felt such deep sorrow and love i wanted to die right then and there. and more... but the point is it was a very deep feeling.
So after my flashback i realized i havent felt such deep emotions since i've been on this cocktail of meds. SInce i've been stable. Which is a good thing...right?
Except I'm an artist and i depended on my moods for inspiration. I havent felt inspired in such a long time. So i drew the image of the window and bars and moon and ivy... it was the best thing i've drawn in months. Then i painted the feeling of despair and love. So two great pieces. But yeah, i've been artistically dry.
And i want my inspiration back. I want my soul back.
I don't want to be crazy anymore. I really don't. I can tell that stability is a good thing. I'm going to school. I am trying to get a job. Things are going in the right direction. But.. my soul...
what to do?
Posted 8/31/2011 2:24 AM (GMT 0)
From one artist to another: Your soul is still there. Find the passion that is within you. The moods are superficial. Your artistic ability and your passion are not superficial.
Posted 8/31/2011 1:55 PM (GMT 0)
Before I was on meds the emotions were so intense and I had so great ideas when I was high. The problem is that I never put them on practice because they were out of contest and not practical. I discovered I was bipolar about 4 months ago and because I was not treated before I got worse on the last years.
Posted 8/31/2011 2:15 PM (GMT 0)
Your artistic ability will be with you as long as you live. Keep searching nature for the things that can inspire you. Keep your soul safe with
meditation, reading spiritual material, prayer, and love. The inspiration will burst forth at any moment on any day and at any time. Keep your sketch pad with you to remind you that, when it hits, you make at least a momentary memory of it to refine in your studio later.

This is the real giftedness of bipolar illness. You are blessed.


I.G.

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 8/31/2011 8:26:27 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/31/2011 4:09 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for all the support. I will try... stay on meds... keep my sketchpad close... wait for inspiration to strike. and stick with it.
Posted 9/8/2011 2:23 AM (GMT 0)
I know exactly how you feel.. probably most of us here do. I also feel a deep mourning for that feeling.. its an indescribable high and you don't have to be an artist to feel inspired and vitalized. In a way I feel like there is nothing in "normal" life that can ever bring that exact feeling back.. That creativity, the endless well of ideas, thoughts, plans, places to go, things to see... You feel invincible, flawless, intrepid.

But if I take a look at it now, those words really mean reckless, unaccountable, and blind. Sure it feels great at the time, but almost every major embarrassing, shameful, and destructive thing I've ever done was during a "high".

I'm just starting to build a normal stable life for the very first time. I look better, feel better, I'm healthier, I take pride in my life now. I have a healthy happy relationship with my mom, sister, boyfriend. I have a good job and I go to school. I'm fulfilled and most importantly being constructive with all my bipolar energy.

Its a good warm fuzzy feeling. For me it replaces the old volatile love/hate up/down laugh/cry stuff. Looking back on it, its mostly torture anyway.

Post Edited (Grifter) : 9/7/2011 9:24:24 PM (GMT-6)

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