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You dont know my bipolar like i do!!!!

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 9/14/2011 8:31 AM (GMT 0)
cry  Sad I am that anyone would assume to know what bipolar is to me, and not even ask...

I've been doing this by myself so long that i have it down to an art. I can stop at any given point in time and tell you exactly how im doing, why, and how to auto correct should it be neccessary.....

I know me better than anyone. Ive learned (the hard way) how to use my environment as feedback to keep myself in check.

I dont expect anyone to understand. But true acceptance for all that makes me, ME would be really freaking nice. Especially when you see me as strong because you dont see or understand all that I can do for the good, for the positive, all the crap jobs no one else wants to do but I do them because they have to be done...... yet I do them while suicidal thoughts run through my brain..... while I process hundreds of different things at once because I dont have the luxury of a one track mind.... while balancing and carrying to troubles of family and the best way to help, encourage, lift, support the dreams and wishes of those I love........ when getting out of bed is honestly the best I can do, yet i shower and take care of others because crying on the floor is NOT an option I can live with................. When I do things that constantly terrify me because I dont want a comfort zone, those are dangerous for me...........

shakehead   I hate that my worst days, I can smile because I dont want to worry you. And you dont stop long enough, dont take time to look, to see, to notice im out of my "normal"........... I protect you and your feelings even when Im ill and its too much............. I become unwell and its too much...... when you tell me i dont understand? Really? Tell me you "know"....... Now tell me what it is you know......

Sorry friends, I had to get this off my chest. I am hurt. I am mad. I am lonely. I am frustrated. I am ok with me when Im not enough for any one else......

Thanks for letting me vent.....

A hot bath didn't help....

Im still sad, but will hit the paints and tunes and JUST BREATHE!!!!!!

Wellness to all.....

 

Posted 9/14/2011 9:23 AM (GMT 0)
heard. I hope you feel better soon. you have a good toolkit ;)
Jade x
Posted 9/14/2011 9:25 AM (GMT 0)
Wow. Great post, and so true.

Hang in there. I'm sorry you're feeling so angry and hurt just now.

Ivy.
Posted 9/14/2011 10:37 AM (GMT 0)
i'm posting with hopes of getting some tools to work with. My mom has recently been put on citalopram? when i looked it up the first thing i saw was bi-polar? she is in her mid 80's. Drank and took pills most of her life. After a hit and run in 93 she was arrested and then put into a rehab.
Since then has joined AA.She's been sober for 18 years, but always had a very nasty, selfish and angry outlook on life. I've been living with her since Oct/09. I have a rare autoimmune disease. Landed at her place and I've been here ever since. I've always been a hard worker, mother and grandmother. Leaving my daughter and grandson was a heartbreaker.Now stuck. I feel like I have the life squezzed out of me every time i walk into the house. When she is home.All that i had was given to my daughter and came here with a suitcase and a prayer.
My main concern is my mom's behaivor.What triggers her depression. I understand life of an older woman, not wanting to give up her independence.But so much has to be done in the home. it's very difficult for me to be quiet about it. It consumes me, i'm overwhelmed and very furstrated because my head says go, but my body says no. She has a dog also who is huge. Now that responsibility is mine. Walking, bathing, grooming etc.Cooking, laundry, cleaning, shopping.... never ending. I guess i could handle it better if i felt better, but i'm in pain most of the time and stress is my enemey.I internalize it and get sick. My back and my legs throb and throb when i have to cook for her and i truely love to cook, but my resentments are hard to let go. Now the tide has turned. She's being the nicer person and i'm being the meanie. It's just that my patience witch at one point was my virtue has gone. I'm snappy, quick to loose my temper and i do not want to be that way. It seems my family has forgotten my illness and don't recognize that i'm exhausted. I have older brothers with busy lives. We use to be close, but now we can't even get togother for lunch.My mom seems to think it's my responsibility to bring the family together. My dad passed away in 92. He was the gem. The rock of the family. Allowed my mom free riegn. Enabled her alcoholism. Which in restropect, I believe she has had this personality disorder since childhood.Can anyone please give me something to work with. Things that trigger her anger and dispare. I'm all alone here. I keep telling her i can't handle it. The gardening, along with all of the above.Well thanking in advance if anyone replys.
Posted 9/19/2011 8:43 PM (GMT 0)
Hi TikiTazz,

Gripping text. Familiar emotions.

TikiTazz said...

I hate that my worst days, I can smile because I dont want to worry you. And you dont stop long enough, dont take time to look, to see, to notice im out of my "normal"........... I protect you and your feelings even when Im ill and its too much


Think I know that feeling, or at least in my own way.. On the one hand you don't want to bother the ones you love, for you know they'll hate it. But by God do you wish to be dragged out of that miserable hell.

Hang in there!!
Posted 9/20/2011 11:59 PM (GMT 0)
In an airplane the flight attendant tells us to FIRST put the oxygen mask on ourselves before we put it on another. I have to remember to take care of myself first...it is only by loving and accepting myself that I can give baxk to others.

Fill your cup. It is taking care of self. Put yourself first so that you can be there for others in a loving way. Trust me, there's a difference. Your happiness matters.
Posted 9/22/2011 3:26 PM (GMT 0)
One child should not have to do it all. You had a busy life too, like your brothers.

Your Mom and her anger sound like a "dry drunk". someone who still wants to drink badly and is mad she can't. My bro is like that.

Have you looked into assisted living facility? Any expenses or work could then be shared equally by family members.

You are serriously overwhelmed...talk to a counselor soon Good luck

Maggie
Posted 9/22/2011 3:36 PM (GMT 0)
Tikitazz:

I definitely heard what you posted and can understand in my own limited bipolar way.

Around family, I am not quiet when I am in my manic phase and when I get too quiet it is usually past the way of no return before it is noticed.

For me I know I need to make contact with someone when the depression starts the downhill slide though sometimes it happens so fast I hardly know it myself until it is too late.
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