Bipolar Relationship Issue

My fiance and I were/are having a conflict.  I had strong feelings about a task, I knew it wasn't the actual task I was upset about.  I did some journaling in hopes of discovering what the intense emotional response was/is all about.  Finally it came down to:

[quote]I feel that nothing I do can satisfy him. I've stopped trying. I can't win. He will always be right because his message is always logical and valid. I will always be wrong because I cannot extract emotion from my life. I feel he uses my diagnosis as an excuse to ignore my feelings, me. I feel angry, insulted. How can I stay in a relationship with a person who has this attitude towards me?

If I [insert task], I feel that I'm giving permission for him to walk on me. What should I do: roll over and pee on myself?! I'm fighting for my independence, my identity. I am frustrated because [he] can't, won't, or doesn't see that this conflict has little to do with the actual task.[/quote]

Please tell me someone else feels this way or has had this conflict!

 

Yes, Tortoise, it goes with the territory: emotions get in the way of thinking. One of my psychiatrists had a beautiful sculpture of a mountain lion standing on a rock in an attack position ready to pounce. I will always remember that as a reminder of what raw emotions are like.

We have to have an effective way of getting emotions out without taking them out on people. He needs to find a healthy outlet, and you need one, too.

Have you tried having a hot bath in the afternoon before it's time for him to come home? Changing your routine so that you are in a relaxed mood when he does arrive may make a difference. Some couples develop a signal to each other to let them know when they're "up tight" so that the partner steers clear.

Maybe a little distance right after he gets home from work might help. Or a fishing trip with his male friends might give him a different view of things.

Alcoholics Anonymous recommends the following things to watch as
triggers for drinking: H.A.L.T: (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired--though
that's not the subject you're asking about). When you fiance gets home at night, if you see any of these, back off until he has had time to recover from the pressure of his work.

Take care of yourself, Tortoise; find things that expend energy you build up from tension.

It's Genetic

I did end up emailing him a part of my journaling and I saw him read it last night. He's not one to respond, deficient in the emotion department. <3 I feel so much better just knowing that he "heard" me.

I'm glad you have a chance to meet us online Bill!

I'm sorry you are having relationship problems tortoise. They seem impossible to avoid with this disease don't they?

I'm always stunned and saddened to hear when my struggles are hurting my partner. He tends to take things very personally. So if I'm agitated or frustrated at little things like the computer not working like it should, or if I can't find the dog treats he will see that frustration as me hating him.

Now of course I'm not even aware that my aggressive tone of voice and stomping around is as bad as it is because it feels MUCH worse inside. And I don't blame him for anything at all. I'm frustrated with myself and haven't learned the best way to communicate how I'm feeling.

In a way I wish he would just brush it off as my illness all the time. But I can see how demoralizing that would be since you aren't only your illness.

In the ideal world our partners would also be getting some kind of psychiatric or psychological support on their own so that they can reduce the stress of living with us. No doubt this would help us feel less stressed!

But my partner is resistant to therapy. So I have to share things with him and I probably don't do the best with it.

I hope it gets better:)

Hello I am new to this place but feel like I could offer you some insight. Due mainly to the fact that me and my spouse did the exact same scenario that you explained to a T. I was the one that my wife said always had to be right, and then she would state the same thing that you said. I would try to explain to her that I wasn't trying to be right. More that I am just strong willed and enjoy debating things. It was something that I enjoyed and needed in a relationship, that we could respect each other enough that we could disagree and debate things. But she always saw this as her never being good enough and that I would never be happy. Where actually I was very happy because I wanted a spouse that would challenge my thinking because that is how I grow and learn. But when I did this to her she saw it as an attack on her, or that I never took her side, while my true intent was just trying to help her see it from the other side. Not saying that I was correct because she probably just wanted support and didn't care what I thought. But just another perspective that him doing that may have good intentions and you might just need to talk about it so you know where each other are coming from.

Now that I gave you a long winded answer I wonder if I could ask you a question. Because I am currently going through a divorce with my wife and it is now certainly over but I care about her and i am 95% sure that she is bipolar and just has never been properly diagnosed and I was just wondering if there is any thing I can really do or is it a step that the person has to take themselves to discover it? I asked her to go talk to a doctor that she trusts and talk to him about it but i'm not sure that she will. I guess I just would like to hear what people that have been diagnosed went through before because it might help me make sense of how she is acting right now and why she left.