Fear of losing him

Bless his heart, I have bankrupted us, left for a week with a guy, had a rage disorder, irritability to the point his breathing or eating would make my skin crawl.  I can't believe he stayed.  But through all of it, I really did love him and need him.

After I went on meds, I slowly started becoming this other person that was buried in there all along.  Sweet, giving, caring, supportive and very loving.  I now treat him like a king, constantly remembering I have 11 years to make up for.  I love him more than life itself and we have never been happier!  He spends ALL his time with me, we are each other's best friends and it's almost like a fairy tale.  We rarely argue, I have learned to communicate calmly, he taught me that.  I am so grateful he stayed, and that he turned my life around.

OK, here's my problem.  I constantly worry about him dying.  I think about it numerous times every day.  I never did that before.  I seriously know that if he did, I would commit suicide.  I can't live without him, nor would I want to.

I know, everybody tell me to get out, get a hobby etc.  I have, but don't care to be around other people too much, so cooking is my hobby and fitness, all of which I do at home.  I'm happy that way.  But it doesn't compare to being with him.

Does anybody else feel this way?  How do you cope with it?  I've been in therapy - love my counselor.  She give great advice and really helps, just not in this situation.

Please help!!

Thanks, Dana for your reply.  You give good advice, that's what my counselor suggested.  I was a nurse for 12 years and was extremely dedicated to the people and loved the clinical aspect maybe even more.  I was awesome at my job, it was sort of an obsession. (I'm not trying to be conceited, please don't think that).

But the extreme stress of it caused me psychosis and landed me in the hospital one too many times and I finally had to take my pdoc's order to stop working five years ago.  It took me a few years to adjust to the fact I didn't have a career anymore and just couldn't handle the stress.  (Even on the meds, it causes major problems.)  The last few years of working, I wanted to stop working so badly, becuase it was causing such misery, but I had put us in so much debt that if I stopped, our excellent credit would be gone.  (We are now bankrupt)  I was always ragy from management (everywhere I went, I always had a problem with authority) and couldn't handle commuting. 

Anyway, back to the subject (I still do the rambling thing sometimes! LOL)!  The very thought of having to be anywhere becuase people expect me to completely freaks me out.  It's just like a job!  (Referring to volunteering).  How messed up is that?  All I want to do is stay home with my 2 dogs, do housework, cook, do errands, work out and be with my husband when he gets home.  I know it's not right, but it makes me happy and I don't have to deal with stress.  Avoiding stress is part of my pdocs instruction, and I'm fine when I'm not stressed.  I know it's probably unhealthy in other people's eyes, and I don't expect a solution, just wondered if anybody else feels this way.

Sorry I rambled.