I'm officially done with my lousy excuse of a mother

I mentioned in other posts that I've been very depressed lately. I have a lot of anger, rage, and sadness towards my mother because she has been at the centre of my problems ever since she blamed me for my stepfather sexually abusing me WHEN I WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD.

I made a sarcastic joke to my husband a few days ago that she better not contact me for awhile because I won't be able to hold back my anger.

She texted me today (of course!) and I just replied that I wasn't in the mood to talk to her right now. That a very mild response from me considering how I'm feeling.

She responded that she is sorry about that (not sorry that I'm feeling that way - there is a difference mother dearest) and that I can contact her when I'm in the mood.

So I was even more annoyed at this point and said that I won't be in the mood for a very long time because she isn't a positive influence in my life and I can't have a relationship with someone who behaves like an ostrich with their head in the sand all the time.

She send me a longer text and in part of it said 'I am afraid I am not prepared to take on what you are any longer'.

***?!

I'm done with her.

I didn't realise we were sisters Forever.
The only thing we can do to heal is remove those types of people from our lives, unfortunately.
Or they just keep hurting us over and over and over again.
It is like the scab continuely being picked.
It is like being Prometheus and having our liver pecked out by birds, only to grow again the next day for the same treatment.
I think you have made a very wise decision x

Living Well said...
I didn't realise we were sisters Forever.
The only thing we can do to heal is remove those types of people from our lives, unfortunately.
Or they just keep hurting us over and over and over again.
It is like the scab continuely being picked.
It is like being Prometheus and having our liver pecked out by birds, only to grow again the next day for the same treatment.
I think you have made a very wise decision x

That's exactly right Living Well. My whole relationship with her is like picking at a festering wound. I'm so tired of it.

Oprah quoted someone one a show dealing with sexual abuse and I think it is the best quote I've heard on forgiveness. It has helped me and hopefully will help others.

"Forgiveness is letting go of what the past could have been"

I know I struggle with staying trapped in the past when I really need to look hard at my present and the good things I have right now.

Courage to Heal is an amazing book!

XOXO

So in continuation of my lousy excuse for a mother, I got a message from my sister today (she is my half sister but she was born when I was very young). She has also been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder and is having exactly the same problems with my mother.

Well, they are actually worse because I live in Canada and they all live in South Africa. I moved to Canada to get away from my family, but my poor sister doesn't have that option.

My sister got diagnosed a few weeks after I was diagnosed so she is going through a similar hard time of adjusting to the medication. It isn't really working for her yet. She is extremely depressed and can't work. I can relate because I'm depressed and can't work. So at least I can normalise those feelings for her and tell her that it isn't her fault she is feeling this way and that it will eventually get better (so I'm told;p).

But my mother doesn't have any empathy for her situation and says she is using her diagnosis as an excuse not to take responsibility for her life. My sister is 20 and had a very difficult time in her teenage years. I don't want to go into too many specifics just in case. But she probably could have been diagnosed at 16 or 17, if my mother had been more on top of things.

When I was talking to my mother I would try and correct her when she would complain about my sister. Yes, she might be behaving irresponsibly, but she isn't doing it consciously. She is just acting impulsively and acting out. And it isn't like she is getting the therapy she needs right now to even help give her the skills to make better life choices.

It's like she has been thrown out to sea without a life jacket and my mother is angry that she is drowning.

At least she is messaging me and she is going to give me a phone number I can call her at tomorrow. I'm also going to email her psychiatrist because I don't think she got a very good history from my mother. There are some serious childhood stressors that she should be aware about.

I'm proud of my sister for reaching out to me. She is showing more insight than I would have at 20. I just wish she had better health care options available to her there. Not to mention better family support.

Ugh, family:/

I totally agree Living Well, the double borderline personality diagnosis has slapped her in the face and sent her running.

I was on a waiting list before I got into the health care facility that is treating me now. I was in a complete breakdown and would sit with my DSM IV from university crying at the knowledge of what my probable diagnosis was.

I called my mother to ask her what she thought and she said it was completely impossible and didn't sound like me at all. Then she didn't contact me for days when I went for my assessment and was diagnosed.

She (conveniently) has an old school view of Borderline personality disorder.

That we are the 'difficult' patients that intentionally go out of our way to make everyone's life miserable. It's only recently that researchers have started realizing that we are actually having a really hard time regulating our emotions. Some have even suggested that BPD could fall in the spectrum with Bipolar disorder because so many symptoms are the same. And a huge majority of BPD patients were severely abused in some way in childhood.

But she says things like my sister is 'manipulating' the psychiatrist to get more benzos. Maybe she is just really anxious?
She told me that she was tired of playing 'this game' with me. I replied it wasn't a game, it's my life.

Who wants to feel terribly depressed? Or out of control with manic episodes? Or struggling to find the right medication while dealing with awful side effects.

Yes, that sounds exactly what everyone aspires to in life. I get hysterical when I look at my laundry, never mind holding a full time job.

I read this brilliant memoir written by someone who has BPD. You can get it on amazon and it's in the kindle store

Girl in Need of a Tourniquet: Memoir of a Borderline Personality

It's very personal and one of the things that stood out for me was her relationship with her mother. She described how BPD is a disorder of insecure attachment with such raw emotion.

I'll try get my own life in order. But I'll set up a little fund for my sister so she can at least get an education. The Canadian currency is strong so it is possible.

I was going back and forth today about whether I was ignoring my own issues while I was supporting my sister. But it was also very validating to hear her going through the same experiences as me.

As obvious as my mother's parental failure and abuse is, I made it my job to keep the family secrets well into my 20s. I was still catching myself rationalizing her behaviour up until her awful texts yesterday.

But I'm done maintaining her facade of perfection. I spoke to my Aunt and we are going to work together to find out what services my sister can get. That way I don't have to speak to my mother and can still help my sister.

At least my lamotrigine is making me nauseous while I adjust to it. So I can't over eat. Silver lining;)

Hello forever7

Where in South Africa do you come from I live in Johannesburg :)