Am I the trigger?

Hey all... First I want to say I'm glad to be here and I value all feedback as I'm kinda new to all this. Any and all help is much appreciated. I'll try and keep it short, but I'm in a bit if a bind here. Thanks in advance for reading and responding.

Met my wife about 6 months ago and we got married 3 months later. She's has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I knew about it going in, but I sure didn't realize what was to come when things head south due to what I perceive to be the disease taking over. Tough sequence of events involving her becoming pregnant a few weeks into the marriage...rather unplanned. Anyway she takes celexa for the bipolar and xanex. Doctors made her get off xanex immediately which I thought was irresponsible personally cuz of the withdrawals. So psychological withdrawals, lack if sleep and pregnancy hormones led to a rapid change in her demeanor. She became what I'd classify as being depressed...very withdrawn, and became more and more reclusive. Very difficult for me to handle as I very much wanted to be a big part in the pregnancy. And her moods became hellacious. Pure terror, I got yelled at for anything and everything and I just sat there and took it cuz I chalked it up to all the aforementioned factors working against her...

So she gets more and more withdrawn, no sex, I sleep on the couch (which I volunteered to do so she can sleep better but I didn't think it'd be permanent!)
Anyway, I tried to adjust every way I could to support her...quit drinking, smoking, got a more stable job and tried to just leave her alone as much as possible... But it's lonely and very frustrating to have her withdraw so severely that she just locks herself in the bedroom and wants nothing to do with me at all given that we're just married and just pregnant. She was so irritable, so mean, thinks all I do is annoy her, and very ungrateful for all the slack I picked up around the house so I could let her rest (I do Uh, everything). Oh yeah I get blamed for everything to.

So she just had a miscarriage the other day. Obviously that has been very tough on her. But her moods have gotten so bad it's alarming. She explodes, and I mean explodes on me all the time for nothing. Major personal attacks, shallow comments galore, and doesn't listen to a word I say about what I think is her being in an episode and needing to get her medication regulated so she can go back to being herself. Before all this happened she was terrific... Very loving and caring and affectionate and when she did have outbursts she'd most often take responsibility for her behavior.

So here's the tough part, now in all her fits of utter rage (I've never seen anyone so mad so often, even throws stuff at me and destroys both our stuff) she wants a divorce. Says she doesn't love me, in fact that she hates me and that all I do is annoy her. Says she'll never sleep with me again and has no acknowledgement for my perceived reality that it's the bipolar running her right now and once she gets well she'll go back to normal. She thinks shes thinking clearly and doesnt want me around anymore at all.

I called her mom today and explained everything and she completely understood, she was so cool about it and knew what I was going through cuz of her past experiences with my wife...but never this bad cuz they haven't lived together since my wife was 17 and now she's 37... recently I've begun to feel guilty, like all of the things she says us starting to sink in and I feel responsible for annoying her. But I'm just trying to help her thru this tough situation and that's what annoys her so much. And she's annoyed that I miss her and thinks I'm selfish. I try so hard to leave her alone but every once in awhile I'll try and talk to her or hang out with her and it all blows up in my face. We used to do everything together, now it's like living with a evil ghost of her former self.

Am I responsible for pushing her so far away by not leaving her alone ( and by that I mean she pretty much wants me never speaking to her ever for the last 6 weeks til who know when)? Am I a bigger catalyst in this then I think I am? Or is this just bipolar? I just can't not make her mad. I haven't yelled back at her in weeks, she's impossible to talk to about anything and very difficult to get along with. And this all happened when she got pregnant!! Ugh, I'm sorry I rambled, im so overwhelmed and I'm beginning to believe that it's all my fault. Even though I know it's bipolar at the root, I wonder if I provoke it even more by trying to talk to her sometimes. Mind you I go days with so few words that I get so frustrated and I moved to a new town to be with her and don't know anyone else.

She's nice to everyone else and suddenly despises me, wants me gone and a divorce, but she only says that when she's furious, which is a lot. Never calmly, it's almost like shes incapable of talking about her feelings right now. Personally, to me her behavior is very bizarre and I don't think she's thinking clearly at all. I tell her we'll wait til she comes around and then discuss it when she's rational again. I don't know what to think anymore. I feel like there is more I can do but I can't stop annoying her (not hard to do)... It's hard cuz she gets annoyed over the dumbest stuff, she's got a hairpin trigger temper with no restataint. It's rough, for my own sake, sure divorce would prob have me better off, but I really don't want to do it and I tell her that. I love her, I want to be there for her no matter what, but she won't let me. What to do, what to do...

Sorry for that rant and potential misspellings I wrote this from my phone

Hospital. Definitely. Immediately.

It doesn't matter if she hates you when she is not in her right mind. This will not end nicely. You will not come out looking or feeling like a hero.

Drive her to the ER., the stress will bring out her behavior and she will be admitted.

Thanks for the reply and of course you make total sense. However my hands are tied. Since shortly after becoming pregnant she's slowly withdrawn and shut me out of the process. I desperately wanted to participate like go to the doctors, make her food, just cater to her basically and I hoped it'd bring us closer together. She even took the calendar with her appomtments written on them off the wall and hid it cause she didn't want me asking about them or asking to go with her. I even wanted to go to her therapist appointments.

Now she's ended our relationship last night officially. I was at my friends house for the night about 2 hours away to give her some space (even her I've given her so much already it felt like I was living single again, including sleeping in the couch!). I was supposed to work the rest of the week and I took days off to stay at my friends to give her even mire space to cool down and regroup. But on the phone last night she says it's over and that there's nothing I can do about it. No 2nd chances, no shot ever. Called me all the usual insults I've become so accustomed to hearing. She told me I have to move out immediately and can no longer live there ever.

So I came back down here to get some if my things (the crucial stuff). I'm afraid she might not even let me in the house. She's either going to her moms this weekend or her mom is coming up here to confront her on her absurd behavior. She won't listen to me, only makes her madder. Guess my marriage is over, we haven't been together for a long time so this is the 1st episode she's had. Loved me a lot and was my best friend when stable. Hates me and is I'm her worst enemy now. All I want to do us help her and support her. She hates me for it!

So sorry, Huh? It has been said the one that suffers the most from this awful disease is the spouse that does not have it.

Wait a few days. Love her. Stay in contact the best you can. She says its over, but she is not the person you married. The woman you married is still in there.

Keep us updated.

Cap

Thanks for all the kind words. I believe you all that it's not my fault. In seeing her briefly yesterday while getting some of my things I didn't say a word to her. Partly trying to prove to her that I can give her the space she/we need whether she's able to recognize that or not right now, and partly because I realize that it's just not going to do any good to try and talk to her about what's going on. At least she wasn't hating in me yesterday! While on the phone and asking if it's ok if I come by she just told me she had a rough night with the miscarriage and not to give her any crap. Just sucks cause she went to an ultrasound yesterday (her mom told me, not her) and I can't even ask how it went. Strange that she doesn't want me around but gave me a lil hell the other nite about not being there with her or for her. But that's all I want is to be those things!

Her mom just called and told me that my wife told her that's she's going thru this on her own! When her mom asked about me she told her that I was being immature and that was it! Not a word about kicking me out, me grabbing some of my things yesterday and wanting a divorce. What in the world do you make if that??!!?? Should I take some control and just tell her I'm not letting this happen? I read about not making threats when they're manic but I'm tempted to tell her I'm done even though I'm not sure if I am. I don't really want to be at the moment anyway. I was hoping she'd recognize that I'm serious about her being serious about ending things by removing a bunch if my stuff yesterday. I just can't figure out why she acts like she doesn't want me to be anywhere near her but she says to her mom that I'm not around. Manipulation? But for what purpose...?

Given that she blames me for everything and thinks that I'm the problem, how do you recommend that I communicate with her? Like just checking in type deal, or telling her I love her and stuff like that? I think either way I'm going to give her a few days of no contact. I have to go back down there again on Monday probably so I don't think I'll try and talk to her til then. I can also usually tell instantly upon her answering the phone what her mood is (often bad) so I guess I could make my decision on what or how much to say based on that. But I dont want her to think that everytime she's not miserable towards me that I'm going to try and talk about heavy stuff with her.

I woke up this morning and thought about calling her and telling her how ridiculous this all is and what an idiot she's being by pushing me away when she needs me the most and insisting on going back down there. Maybe I'll wait a few days and tell her that along with I want to come home. It's pleasant not being around that energy right now, but that's not to say I necessarily like being up here. Given this new information should I try and talk to her? And given this new information about get not saying anything to her mom about kicking me out and divorce do you think that means she might know that she doesn't want that? Don't get me wrong, I like a good challenge and all, but good grief this is perplexing.

Thank you all so much, I'm telling you that me finding this forum has been huge.

Gave her a lil call last nite just checking up on her, seeing if she was ok. She told me that she doesn't need me to do that. Just told her if she needed anything to let me know, she said thanks and bye and hung up. She certainly wasn't nice but she wasn't incorrigible either. 2 days in a row on that! I feel like this disease is just laughing at me right now.

So generally speaking is this what it's going to be like everytime she gets manic? I mean is it always this extreme...? Is it likely she'll crash into a depression or go back to being stable? I guess that's yet to be determined.

So many people reference that she's a totally different person right now. And that's true, everything about her is different. But my question is: is there any of the real girl I married in the manic one now? In other words, is it possible that although she's unstable that all of these negative feelings she has towards me all of a sudden really could be valid...? Or is it more likely that the stability will return and she'll realize how crazy (literally) this really is, cause its absurd... So frustrating, my wife is going thru a miscarriage and kicked me out of the house!! I should be there with her. Makes no sense! Even makes me feel and look like I'm letting her down by not being there. And she told her mom that she felt like she was doing this on her own, but I want to be there and she won't let me!

She is very smart when stable, but it's almost like the disease makes her really dumb to actually believe the things she believes about me and prob other stuff too.. When she's stable she thinks I'm all these good qualities but now shes unstable it's the complete opposite. It's like well, which one is it? And that's why I asked the aforementioned question about it being this extreme everytime...Is she really incapable of seeing how destructive to our marriage, herself, myself and how much she upsets our dogs when she rages on me when she's unstable? And another thing is her wanting to suddenly get a divorce for reasons that are petty and baseless. I wouldn't be considered so irritating if she wasn't so ridiculously irritable... right...? This is getting weirder by the day.

Don't be too anxious to jump back into the fire of bipolar behavior. Take a break.

Hi Huh?-

Your situation is really not unique for a spouse or boyfriend of a bipolar victim.
Your wife is not herself right now . During mania, one has a different perception of the reality and it is mostly out of control with the loved ones, not with casual friends or strangers.
She will be able to work and be socially involved while no one could tell that she is in a manic episode.
With some patients, the reality is so distorted and the therapy not appropriate; the result can be that she thinks that you are a stressor to her. Stress is the # 1 enemy of bipolar victims and often they blame the spuse or boyfriend for episodes because he (she) the strongest emotional link they have.
it is not her and it is not about you. It is the illness and there is nothing that you can do about it. Nothing.
She seems to be a bit in denial because she would not want you to participate to therapy sessions with her.
Denial is one of the obstacles for stabilizing this terrible illness.
Give her space and i mean, no phone calls.
You can hand-write letters and mail to her. Do no use the romantic terms "I need you, I love you, come back" because that is controlling terms that they don't like while in a manic stage. They hate control and they would rather leave you than feel being controlled. Give words of support such " no matter what happens, I will always be there for you; please call if you need me for anything, any time." Also, praise her courage and strength without making direct allusions to her illness. Actually, use the words that you would use if she didn't have this episode. You said that she is lovely, caring and smart. Well, work around that because that is all she can take at this time. Note that she has like an open wound and there is pain. The last thing that she needs is you or anyone (her mother as well) preaching to her how to behave. This illness affects all cognitive skills. Her cognitive and behavioral senses are impaired! Go tell a person who has not legs, to run. This is what it is. If you love her, you must accept this condition as an inseparable part of her because yes, she will be stable and you will have laughter, joy and great moments, but...the illness will always be there...sometimes dormant and then, out of the blue, the monster comes back and it will be just like now.
Can you take that? it is you decision. She loves you and she knows it but she cannot deal with it right now. She will come back to you when she feels better. She, only, she ca help herself. One day, when she is fine, you will ask her to allow you to see her doc .
I have been there and I am still there. She left me one morning after two years. She wanted a child, got pregnant and had a miscarriage. She wanted to get pregnant right away after that but I disagreed because I knew that she could not take care of that child and I just thought it would be unfair to bring a child that could have a 15% chance to be mentally disabled, not to mention the hardships of a dysfunctional family. Out of the blue with "I don't love you anymore" and other niceties about my bad temper... she left!!!she also hit me and was violent for no reason...she even threatened to call the police....I had to let her go and disappear...it has been almost 11 months now...I send flowers on her birthday, words of support...expecting nothing in return...when she can, she sends words of gratitude calling me "golden heart" and thanking me for being so kind and generous. Of course, I organized my life without her and date here and there, see friends. You just cannot be totally consumed with her. See a therapist for yourself since you need to vent all this. The forum is helpful but you need to take care of yourself .

Jason: I keep thinking about and re-reading your post to me. I can't help but be wowed by how keen you are on the subject. I know for me personally, I've been vigorously, almost obsessively researching all the info I can acquire about bipolar. I had very little info before this episode, which is her first since we've been together and her mom says it's by far the worst that she knows about ever happening to her. As you say, stress is the #1 enemy of bipolar and I can't think of anything more emotionally and physically stressful then a miscarriage.

If you don't mind I'd like to ask you a few questions about your relationship as it's very similar to mine. Sounds like you weren't married, but when your girl left, did you think she'd come back? Did you want her back? Or did you just say **** it and move on...? Was that the first time she left? ** big question**. What was she like while pregnant?? (sounds like yours wanted to be pregnant so maybe she was happy). Did she decide to leave you and then leave the same day or did the leaving you talk snowball into her actually leaving over a few weeks (like mine)?

Sorry for all the personal questions and my sincere apologies if these questions drum up sad feelings for you. I'm just curious as to where the probabilities are for this situation. Trying to gather as much info as possible so that I can best gamble on the outcome.

My wife is so stubborn I almost feel like it'd just be easier for her to start with someone else than to own her behavior and actually have to put the work into fixing things with me. Now that I say that, the same probably applies to me also!

Hi-when you don't know that your wife or girlfriend is bipolar, you keep blaming yourself for each and every argument. Very often, it is the illness and not her or you that should be blamed. Being unaware of the condition makes you vulnerable to false assumptions and sentiments of culpability.
That said, I answer your questions: 1- we were together for two years and not married. We had arguments and just like you I took responsibility for some incidents and blamed her for other ones. She left a few times for no reason. Once she evn said that she did not love me as much as she used to. Then she would come back, be adorable and I would forget. Then she would over analyze my words or any opinion I express and make me feel bad. Note that when that is common among "normal" people, it is antagonized when one partner is bipolar.
When she left, just like any man who loves a woman, I hoped that she would come back..
Why is that? Simply because when two people love each other, after an argument or a crisis, they work it out . I just assumed that all I needed to do is let her calm down and then contact her .
With the average person, you would have a closure, a sort of clear explanation of what went wrong . You would hear from your girlfriend what her expectations were and why she wants to leave you. Note that this does not always happen but that is ideal if you can have a closure.
I have noticed that inches a bipolar victim is involved, there is no closure at all. There is an abrupt disconnection , a certain hostility and a refusal to even consider talking. Why is that? There is a question of control that bipolar victims consider as essential to their survival. They control the decisions and avoid the confrontations that may stress them. They know deep inside that they are in a state of avoidance but they justify it as the only way for them to survive. Think of bipolar victims as an open wound and the stress as salt. Well they run away from that like hell.
I learned so much about this condition that the only way to deal with it is to just let go. Love her from a distance. Send flowers once a month, short messages of support. That is all that you can do .
You must take care of yourself since this situations is taking its toll on you. If necessary, go see a therapist who can help you because you are subjected to a serious trauma. You love a person that has "changed" and disappeared from your life. You built so much on that relationship and you married her. An entire ideal has been destroyed and this has shaken your very deep foundations as a human being. I feel your pain but I suggest that you see a therapist, a good one for trauma.
If she comes back, will you take her? Note that no one can predict when her next manic episode will come. Even a psychiatrist cannot tell. You can only monitor her mood swings if you live with her and then be ready to take to the doctor or to hospitalize her. It is a condition for life and if you are young and want a family, well you have to sacrifice your dreams and devote your life for her. You may resent her in the future and be emotionally affected.
If my ex came back, I would know what to do because I love the healthy part of her but I know it will be hell and heaven. I have been in hell for the last 10 months and I want to get out and be the man I used to be... Without the profound sadness that has invaded me since she left...
I am considered by friends and family as a confident and strong man with great optimism... What became of me? My ex's illness took control of every aspect of my daily life. Every color took an extra shade of black to the point where pink is no more pink...darker...protect yourself first and see a therapist . Only a strong you can see the true picture. A stronger you can help her without living with her if that is the choice that you will make.

Huh?
You made the right choice to see a therapist.
Of course, you want to meet your wife and tell her how much you love her and care .
Don't have expectations because no one can tell how she will react when she sees you. That is the the hardest part of this illness: unpredictable behavior due to the illness.
If you meet with her, always address her with easy questions so she can feel in control.
Good luck