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Posted 11/10/2011 9:26 PM (GMT 0)
I am having a sensitive, emotional, poignant day.  Crying because my grandpa didn't live long enough for me to get to know him.  Crying, grieving for my grandma who is "gone" with dementia, still alive.  I scanned family photos today for my parents and it was hard to see photos of them young, healthy.  My grandma's birthday is this month.  Every year it "might be her last".  But isn't that true of all of us?  From someone routinely suicidal, it is unsettling and scary to think about the finity of life.  Am I doing what I'm supposed to do with this life?  Am I wasting it?
Posted 11/10/2011 10:36 PM (GMT 0)
I also worry about wasting life or wasting the lives of those closest to me, like my husband, with my misery. My husband is very zen about things though. He just says this is what life is at the moment, there will be different things in the future.

I'm good at giving advice to others, terrible at taking it myself;)

So I'll say that you can't possibly be wasting your life when you are working so hard on your health, still taking the time to help others, and loving those closest to you.

Hope you don't feel so 'off' tomorrow.
Posted 11/11/2011 12:14 AM (GMT 0)
Took a nap, and on the edge of depression. One thought keeping me better...

I am planning a HUGE art project to go with a sidewalk chalk festival. 1,200 sq feet of portraits of famous people with bipolar disorder. Obviously I need some help. ;) I got a random email from an old high school friend - we were in art class together. She suggested contacting an old mutuall friend from high school who still is involved in the art world and has friends involved in the art world. Dramatic irony: she has bp1. I am hoping that will make her wanting to participate and get her friends involved.

My dog has been after me like crazy and she is right, I'm slipping. Trying to not get stuck in depression. Frustrating because I have a decent day while my fiance is gone at work, he gets home and I feel crappy again. Not fair.

f7 - your signature quote had me thinking today. In one way it is hopeful and in another way it is depressing. What do you think?
Posted 11/11/2011 12:48 AM (GMT 0)

tortoise11 said...
.

f7 - your signature quote had me thinking today. In one way it is hopeful and in another way it is depressing. What do you think?

It's depressing when I can't accomplish what the quote inspires me to do;)

I stumbled across the quote years ago and it always stuck in my mind.

Now that I'm doing Dialectical behavioural Therapy (DBT) it is becoming something I try and work towards every day.

I've always been someone who gets depressed or angry about the past. Yes, those feelings are valid. But I can't change the past, so investing all my energy on something I can't change makes me miss out on the present.

Likewise, as someone with anxiety disorders, I'm always worrying about something in the future. You can plan for the future, but you can't predict everything. Most of that worrying and anxiety just leaves me frozen and unable to take care of what I need to do NOW.

We really only have the present moment. That's why the research on DBT shows how helpful it is for people with Borderline Personality disorder and also Bipolar Disorder. It incorporates the theory of Mindfulness which encourages you to live life in the present. There are tons of skills and coping mechanisms DBT teaches to help us do that.

I'm not there yet. And it can be depressing for those of us who get so invested in our pasts or this imagined perfect future. But it can also be liberating to imagine being able to live in the moment and not be so stressed out by things we have no control over.

I ordered this book before I got accepted into group DBT and I'll work through it when I'm doing the group. It's really affordable, especially if you buy the kindle version. It has similar exercises to those I'm doing in my group therapy. And it explains how DBT is helpful to those with Bipolar disorder.

amzn.com/B003MEIMRO
Posted 11/11/2011 1:57 AM (GMT 0)
 Hey Tortoise. I hope youa re feeling better.

  Its funny for me, since i deal with sucidial thoughts quite alot. i have found a way to allow them to help me value the time i have on this earth. The leaves are more beautiful, the sky is brighter, my time with thor is so much better. 

  As a full time firefighter i know just how quick any of us can check out of this world. 

  LOts of love to ya lady. Hope you feel better.

  Bill 

Posted 11/19/2011 2:22 PM (GMT 0)
I am having some anxiety after being in remission for 3 months. Feeling as if my family is sucking the life out of me lately, because they want, want, want from me.  It upsets me that I have to take my ativan again, was doing so good. Plus my husband is losing his unemployment in a couple of weeks and we just can't make it on my income alone.  Just feeling overwhelmed by it all. I liked my remission while it lasted.
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