Posted 11/17/2011 1:55 AM (GMT 0)
My 18 year old son came to live with me a year and a half ago. When he was 3, I allowed my ex to raise him. I had another child bya previous marriage and his Father was a drunk and abusive. I immediately married husband no. 2, who was an addict an abusive. Within three years, I had two babies, by two different fathers and was a single Mother...overwhelmed, being threatened by husband 2 that if I didn't let him raisehis son he would hurt me. I was terrified. I had just found out I was bipolar. My older son, then 5 had a lot of problems, he was extremely difficult, the kinder-garten teacher said he was add and if I didn't get him help, he would be asked to leave the school. My youngest son,3, was so sweet and gentle. His father truly loved him and had no other children and wanted to be in his life. I made the decisionto allow my ex to have youngest son. I have regretted this for 15 years. At first, for the firt six years, my son seemed to be doing o.k. I always kept visiting and having him over. I moved my husband no. 3 back and forth across he country 4 times so I could be near my youngest son but ex 2 thwarted my visits. I tried to get my son back numerous times. The stupid state of Ga did nothing to help me. My ex2 became a meth addict and the last 6 years of youngest sons life were hell...eating out of dumpsters, couch surfing with jobless Dad, I was a wreck. Finally he ran away last year and we flew to GA to get him. He has lived with us a year and a half. I did everything to make up for the lost years. I did too much. I enabled. My son is a drug addict. We tried to help him...took him to counsellors for the abuse of his Dad, took him to two detox centers, loved him, got him a car, college, a nice room...but he chose to leave the house because he didn't want to abide by the new rules. He was selling drugs and bringing dangerous people in the home. One day I found a shotgun in the back of his car and drug scales. He has been gone for 5 weeks and only calls when he wants to pawn something of his. He came and took all his stuff. I feel like the way he turned out is all my fault...if I had been stable I could have raised two kids...why was I so screwed up...and not strong enough. Why did I marry abusive alcoholics? I am in therapy, I go to Nar-anon...I am trying not to get depressed as meds don't work and I feel like A failure of a Mother. Myson doesn't even blame me. He loves me but he can't lve me because of his addition. My life has been nothing but heartache...so much pain. There is always good...but I have this overwhelming feeling of being a failure. My other son is doing well. I raised him until he was 12. Then his Dad, sober 5years, took over. He is now graduating fro the Naval Academy with a 4.0.
How do I forgive myself? I know I was sick but is that a real excuse? Is bipolar or mental illness even real? I know everything is not my fault. I never abused my kids. I did let the youngest live with his Dad and it didn't turn out well but no matter how hard I tried to change it back, I couldn't. Now finally getting the chance to be in his life...he chooses drugs over family.
I found raising children difficult. I let them walk all over me. I am empathic...I feel their feelings, I am inconsistant, not good with discipline. Why did God give me sons. I was not earthy enough...more a creature of air.
I spent the day with my neighbor who has a precious newborn baby. When I fed her the bottle, I cried...wishing I had the chance to do it all over again. Why did I pick such horrible men...sick men? My Father is a mean man. I am fortunate to have a lovely man in my life...we have been together 15 years...he's been through all of this with me and continually tells me my perception is skewed...that my situation was out of control and I did the best I could.
But how would things have turned out for my 18 year old,if I had kept him. I hate myself for hurting him. I hate his Father but at the same time I pray for my exes. I know this takes away the resentment. I wish I could be good and pure....like an angel...I want to live in a convent or ashram and devotemyself to the Divine Creator...but I am married and I want to be there for my sons. And I love being married. I just wish I could have been a strong, intelligent, stable, normal Mother...not a hippi, artist, unstable, loving out of the box thinker.
Regrets. But my son made his choice. I have to let him go but I obsess over him. I read about pure humans who have angel contact, who know what to do. I have never known who I was or what I was supposed to do. I try to do the best every day. I keep my house clean, I cook dinner for my nusband, I listen to his boring office talk, I go to therapy, meetings, I pray...but I feel like I am dying. Two weeks ago I was suicidal but God/Goddess pulled me out. How can I go on...i am going to volunteer at the library to help people read. I got injured on the job and can't work.
Thanks for reading. If I could accept bipolar, maybe I could accept that I was too sick to care for two children after what I had been through. My husband said at that time that I was completely overwhelmed and unstable but I feel I could have done better.