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Posted 12/5/2011 3:47 AM (GMT 0)
Not, not OK. Was debating going to ER tonight. Better now. Going to try to be productive which eases my mind. Calling Dr. #1 thing tomorrow.
Posted 12/5/2011 3:11 PM (GMT 0)
Waiting impatiently, I did get an appointment this morning. Have 15 minutes to kill.
Posted 12/5/2011 4:56 PM (GMT 0)
My Dr. is increasing Seroquel XR by 100 mg and doubling lithium to 1,200 mg. If we don't see fast results, he wants me in the hospital. :/ He called it a "mixed hypomanic" state.
Posted 12/6/2011 1:54 AM (GMT 0)
How are you doing tonight? I hope the med change works for you. I'm on 1,800mg, not bad, just gives me really dry mouth. I drink all the time, so therefore I pee all the time... Take care, keep dancing!
Posted 12/6/2011 2:18 AM (GMT 0)
I'm OK. I don't feel "good" or "bad." I took the a.m. dose of lithium about noon and the p.m. dose about 6 p.m. Plus the higher dose of seroquel at 6. My fiance and I played a game of scrabble. I lost - no surprise, lol. We just turned football on.

Couples counseling appointment tomorrow at noon. Going to be interesting. I think my SI bothers him a lot and that will come up. My pattern of avoidance that causes his irriitation. Our problems are so predictable, but he doesn't see the pattern. I hope he can learn to recognise the pattern. I hope that he could learn to help me stop it early.

I haven't danced today. :)
Posted 12/6/2011 4:09 PM (GMT 0)
Better this morning. Slept late. I don't know if that was from Seroquel increase or being exhausted. I have been sleeping a lot lately. Took a bath and taking baby steps. I need to (go out in the snow and) take care of the rabbits. Try to make some progress cleaning the house. My fiance has been very patient in the last week; I want to say 'thank you' by cleaning up.

I feel calm. Not good or bad. Serious. Concerned. (and still sleepy!)
Posted 12/6/2011 10:27 PM (GMT 0)
therapy today... uggh. suicide became a topic while my fiance was there. ick. I have an appointment for just me on Thursday. my fiance and I did some errands for a couple of hours after the session. Trying to settle, not going so well. It's late but I need a nap. :/
Posted 12/7/2011 4:02 PM (GMT 0)
Feeling OK this morning. I can concentrate! yay!

My 4 yr old son didn't get up this morning and missed the schoolbus! The second time this week. I don't work today, so I have a chance to teach his a lesson. I kept him home from school. I explained that I would only drive him to school once in a week. I had him clean up his room - without playing. I left the TV on with Sesame Street so that he wouldn't just chill out in his room - the sound was a reminder that he was missing out. He did chores, I drilled him on his piano lesson. He is writing "I'm sorry for missing the bus"... until he does it right. *sigh* It's a long morning. I have to find anouther 90 minutes of un-fun stuff for him to do.

Bonus is the house is rather clean. I crossed a few things off my to-do list already. I think I (we) will take a nap after lunch? I'm doing OK, but don't feel up to a few errands.
Posted 12/7/2011 5:49 PM (GMT 0)
When my son used to miss the bus, due to his dawdling, I used to have him shadow me all day. What I did, he did. And I always picked the yuckiest jobs. When he was 9, I finally had him walk to school. It was a mile trip and I followed him in the car. He never missed again :) It is so fun to be a mom!! Oh and he is 27 and definitely remembers walking to school lol
Posted 12/7/2011 7:05 PM (GMT 0)
lol, I will definitely remember to get in the car to follow, lol. I love the mental image. ((hugs)) My son eats breakfast and a morning snack at school. Which we didn't have at home this morning.

School is out, he is un-grounded. I don't think he will forget about it tomorrow morning.

I bought a $600 DSLR camera last week on a hypomanic whim. I opened it up finally today. Very carefully trying to decide if I would return it or not. I like it a lot. If my fiance and I split, I would have been without a camera. With camera and internet, I can earn money, so that situation would have been bad. I worry about things like that. Now there's one fewer thing to worry about. I took a couple photos this morning, testing it out. I really like how they turned out and I wasn't using any of the "fancy" features. I hope I don't regret the decision to keep it. Photos from my new camera:

My fiance's dog: http://www.flickr.com/photos/49823636@N08/6472914191/in/photostream
My son: http://www.flickr.com/photos/49823636@N08/6472916309/in/photostream

You can see the difference obviously in my photostream. The photos I took with my fiance's little old digital camera are not nearly as nice.
Posted 12/7/2011 9:53 PM (GMT 0)
Building mastery with a hobby and pleasurable activity is one of the important ways for people with BPD and Bipolar disorder regulate our emotions better. So learning all the fancy features on your new camera might be worth way more than it cost:)
Posted 12/7/2011 10:28 PM (GMT 0)
Nice photo's. I think it is great that you not only have a hobby, but the ability to turn it into a money maker.
Posted 12/8/2011 3:30 AM (GMT 0)
Then the crazy amount that I spent on dance costuming is a good investment too? I think it is. It keeps me exercising. Learning a new move each week is a challenge. It keeps me in community with the other dancers in my class. I love them. Then again, I've spent more than the camera on dance in the last 2 months.

It's easy to justify the expense. Truth is though, I was on a hypomanic spree. Almost all of my savings and emergency fund are gone. That's embarrassing and I'm mostly in denial.
Posted 12/8/2011 2:10 PM (GMT 0)
Glad you're doing okay and managed to stay out of the hospital. Our mental health unit (child & adolescent) is full right now. I feel so bad for them to be here so close to the holidays. I believe the adult unit here is full as well.

Keep up the good work.
Posted 12/8/2011 5:52 PM (GMT 0)
I'm always interested/alarmed at how draining "good" stress is. I had my dance class last night. I slept in until 11! I never sleep that late! I did get up and take my a.m. meds and walk my son to the bus stop. I got my new dance costume/clothes last night and got them put away this morning. I leave for my therapy appointment in about a 1/2 hour. I plan to buy some hangers after the appointment. I have to get offline and get ready to go! I haven't looked in a mirror yet. :yikes: lol

I have a piano lesson this afternoon and my son has some holiday program/play/thing this evening. I feel pressure from time and schedule. Thankfully my mom is watching my son this afternoon - one less thing to worry about.
Posted 12/9/2011 10:00 PM (GMT 0)
I have been unusually angry, agitated, aggressive, and anxious in the last 2 days. I'm going to bellydance open dance tonight. Hope that tames some of my frayed ends. My son will be gone this weekend and I don't work on Monday. Looking forward to some breathing space!
Posted 12/10/2011 10:39 PM (GMT 0)
Went to an auction today. I've been waiting since before Thanksgiving for some of the items to come up to auction. I got what I wanted - a jar of a spinners (for making fish lures). I wanted them to make some bellydance costuming. I snuck out to buy some supplies. I painted a group of them, made a hip scarf. It's cute - has satin trim. I started crocheting the parts that the "coins" will attach to. I am hoping that my design works. I would like to make one to sell at the souk (bellydance stuff store at the dance studio). They accept a lot of student consignments. I had fun and am surprised how much I made. I am thankful that I finished stitching before I started having problems with my serger.

Didn't do well on eating today. Or exercise.

But I did take my meds this morning and I'm not having obvious symptoms today.
Posted 12/12/2011 10:05 PM (GMT 0)
good/bad day.

bad: I forgot my a.m. meds

good: I joined the 24/7 fitness center. I can bring my son with me (because he is well-behaved).
bad: I rewarded my son's good behavior with getting a sandwich from Subway for lunch. We brought it home. My fiance did not think he would be able to come home for lunch. He came home, angry that I had bought a sandwich. He didn't know it was a reward. He gets upset about things and says "we need to talk..." but there is no opportunity. It's like his way of saying "I'm angry" *sigh* :( So he doesn't know about me joining the fitness club.

good: I kicked myself in the pants for moping over it, went to the fitness center. I walked on a treadmill today. Felt really good. One of the ladies showed me the weight machines for arms. My goal is to go every day and stay for 15 minutes.

more good: I took a shower, did some cleaning.

bad: really stressed out about my fiance coming home after work.
Posted 12/20/2011 2:03 PM (GMT 0)
Dr. appt yesterday. My episode is over. We'll reduce my seroquel dose after New Year's beause I am having muscle twitches and body jerks.
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