We create our illness

i have beautiful thoughts, some not so as well, some dark, some very dark. i forgive others, my abusers and i love me for myself, for this is who i am. i also have rapid cycling bi-polar disorder as well. thank you for your post. jamie

I am by no means a 'normal' person...but what is it I heard...Normal is only a setting on a washing machine! I mean I have accepted and love myself unconditionally, therefore I accept and love all others unconditionally. Am I in this place every day...No! But I try every day to change my negative thoughts into positive ones by being aware of my thoughts...noticing them and then overlapping with something more loving.

I attend a Naranon which is a 12 step group for friends and family members of addicted loved ones, I pull an angel card every day and try to remind myself of its message, I read positive, life and love affirming books, I do not watch t.v. ever, I don't eat many sweets but I do have a coke every day, I do have 2 cups of coffee a day, I do not eat a lot...I find my body really doesn't need large amounts of food, I wear a size 4, I walk sometimes...but not enough...I smoke cigarrettes but I do not drink alcohol or do any drugs. I say the serenity prayer a lot. I must accept...though this doesn't mean I have to like it...the things I can not change...courage to change the things I can,( being horribly codependent...I have learned I can only change me and this is a battle in itself!), and the wisdom to know the difference...that's when I pray to know because usually I don't. I go to a mood management group, a therapist, my pdoc.(just in case!,)

I read meditation books...and this week I am going to try and start meditating again. Ya see...my 18 year old son became addicted and was dealing drugs...we got him to detox but he didn't like the new house rules when he came home so he left and has been on his own for 6 weeks...wound up in jail for shoplifting and got stabbed in a drug deal...the jail let him out to get his stitches removed and instead of returning he jumped on a greyhound headed across the country. I was so down I didn't want to go on with my life. It wasn't like a Bipolar depression that just hangs around...I mean I was just wrecked. So I started praying. And I am not religious! Just spiritual. And I began listening to suggestions from others that went through what I went through and I stopped enabling my son, set boundaries, did not bail him out of jail and so on. I started listening to that little voice inside me...and my life got a little bit brighter everyday. I avoid toxic people, music, books...any triggers....if I can. If I can't I minimize interaction. A Power or Spirit has lifted me out because I could not do it by myself. It didn't happen all at once. I had to start seeing things with clarity and doing and behaving in ways that were healthy for me. Like stop giving the kid on drugs money...allow him to face his own consequences.

I also became injured on the job and tore my rotater cuff and have been out of work for 4 months fighting a workmens comp case. I truly hurt myself at the job but I guess it is difficult to be compensated because others have screwed the system. And my atty. Tells me we are going to trial in 3-6 months and not to get another job until then. Now I was pretty upset about this for awhile...but now I see it as a gift. I have time to clean my house, work on my spiritual self, read, relax, eliminate stressors...just be and live simply.

So in all bad things...good comes out of it...and in things I perceive as just fantastic...usually there is a lot of pain coming.

Am I emotional, sensitive, cry almost every day? Yeah...so what? Crying is good.....clears the grief.

Anyway...I would have stayed on meds if I could have handled the side effects but they were too awful. And I like feeling and thinking on my own without pillows in my brain that suffocate and space me out. It took a long time to come off meds...and I did it by telling the pdoc., and keeping appts. And he did Not like it. Tis is just what I had to do...not a Non med advocate...everyone needs to go through what they need to go through...and some people, like my husband, Really need to be on meds...he tried going off for a month and was totally manic...I was so exhausted....he wanted to have a sexual revolution in our 40's...and I played a long but wore out pretyy soon!

Sorry to chat so much....but talking about things helps me somehow. I send love and light to all of you. I hope you all have a pink sunny day!






L

 

  Hey Red, nice post. I too try and live without the help of meds. But they are still there for my bad times.

   I have found excersise to be a huge release for my energy and emotional issues. Hiking is good cause it gives me time away from everything. Biking is awesome, very zen state of mind. Krav Magaw (martial arts) great for flexabilty and stress relief.

  Mostly i have found living my life away from bad influnces has proven the best remidy for my issues. Bad relationships are gone (ex wife)  I have very good control of my money. My mistakes are truely just mine now. I am not affecting anyone else when i have a bad day.

  Buddism has become very important to me. It has created a sense of stability and confort in my life that is absolutly fantastic. It allows me to shake off the nastiness of life and just be a good man.

  Glad you are feeling well.

  Bill