Family triggers

I know I probably have it better than most people because I have no family (besides my husband) living anywhere near me. Sometimes distance is a good thing!

I've really been working on my feelings of sadness, anger, and rage towards my mother in therapy. I feel like I'm at a fork in the road where I want to share some of this growth with her. It won't be pretty. But I want to tell her that I will always feel that the way she handled my childhood sexual abuse was wrong. And that the way she handled it was absurd. She still protects herself by saying that her view of things at the time is still a valid way of viewing things.

It totally isn't. Some things are either right or wrong. That's why the justice system or CPS step in and make decisions in situations like mine.

Back to the family triggers. I told her I wasn't ready to talk to her because I was processing a lot and wanted to work through it before speaking to her. She totally didn't respect that and keeps finding ways to involve me in her life.

The latest move has been to ask my advice on what to do with my 20 year old sister who has the same diagnosis as me. Now I really do want to help my sister. But I immediately go on the defensive when I hear her complain about my sister's behaviour considering she isn't in treatment and is living from couch to couch because my mother has kicked her out the house and my stepfather kicked her out of his house.

So much rejection, abandonment, and minimization. Hey, just like what she did with me!

I hope I can advocate for my sister and not project all my issues on the situation.

I've noticed that family triggers seem to start a mixed episode or rapid cycling. I'm up, then down. Crying, then laughing. Getting extremely agitated with myself and then allowing that agitation to filter through to my communication with my husband.

I almost wanted to remove my mother from my life. But that looks increasingly unlikely if I need to continue to try and protect my sister.

I'd be interested in hearing from others how interpersonal relationship struggles trigger their emotional disregulation/illness

Thanks,
B

tortoise11 said...


My fear of potential conflict messed me up. I can't imagine what you are going through. Is it possible for your sister to stay with you?

Unfortunately she lives in South Africa and I'm in Canada. The visa requirements are really strict because the Canadian government wants to make sure people don't come here and just live here illegally. So you have to fill out a lot of paperwork and provide tons of information showing you have ties at home before you can even come here on holiday. You have to give a permanent address, your job, all the things she doesn't have:(

She might be homeless tomorrow and apparently my mother told her that she needs to land on her ass before she sees things clearly. I'm scared for her.

happy bill said...
Im sorry you have suffered, i have no idea of what it might be like for you. My issues include my wife (now ex) stabbing me in the throat. It could have scarred me for life, but it didnt.

WHY?



Forgivness. Pure and simple. The power is in all of us to let the thing that has hurt us out. Let it go. refuse the delivery. Forvivness is how you can reclaim your life for yourself. Im not saying forget it happend, it did, and it will forever be a part of you. But forgivness allows you to move on and reclaim your life. Acceptance that mistakes in the past can only continue to hurt you if you allow them to.



Bill

Sorry about your situation with your ex wife. That sounds terrifying. And it is courageous that you moved past it. I've worked on acceptance and forgiveness for the things that happened to me. I have the same attitude as you about what forgiveness means.

I liked this quote I heard on Oprah, I don't know if it something she said or a quote from someone else.

'Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.'

I manage pretty well with this. The one issue that I'm still struggling with is being stressed out that I'll never have a normal sex life because of childhood sexual abuse. PTSD symptoms are very hard to work through.

Another current struggle is continuing to advocate for my sister, even though she lives far away.

The tiny apartment my mother stuck her in didn't miraculously change things for her like my mother hoped. She is still acting out, partying, acting impulsively. Actually she is MORE likely to do all those things living alone because who wants to sit in a one room home alone when you have (untreated) bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder?!

My mother sent me a long text saying that my sister hasn't worked one day. I told her that would be the case before she moved my sister in there. So now my sister won't be able to pay the rent next month. My mother said 'I totally give up with her':(

I got hold of my sister late at night and she was outside a club. She was laughing and sounded so care free. She laughed that my mother had demanded a serious discussion tomorrow.

I remember feeling like that. Just riding the chaotic wave of mania and hypomania. Knowing that trouble might be behind the corner. But not caring because in this moment everything feels just peachy.

I wish I could break through my mother's wall to get her to say the right things. To step up to the plate and actually be a PARENT. This is the daughter you severely physically abused from her toddler years all the way through elementary school. Is it that surprising she is acting this way now?

The way my mother has handled things currently and in the past aren't working. So do something different! Dealing with people with mental illness isn't easy. I acknowledge that and know I'm often unpleasant to be around. Thank goodness my husband is so supportive and patient. I wish my sister had that in her life.

All of this is so triggering because it is like history repeating itself.

But I'm proud that I'm there for my sister when she needs to talk. I listen without judgement because I know what it's like.

I'm proud I resisted the urge to buy a bottle of wine while I was out running errands and just drink and eat junk all night.

I don't feel strong enough to do much work. But I'm going to exercise and see if my mood improves.

Oh honey, that all makes me sad inside and I don't even know y'all! :( Reminds me of being an undiagnosed teen and my dad;s attitude that I was going through a "phase" and that I should just pull myself together. He's still about 40% in denial, 10 years later.

Sending hugs, prayers and positive thoughts to both of you! (((hugs)))