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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 12/22/2011 12:17 PM (GMT 0)
Hello I'm new, a guy in his 20's and dating a bi-polar girl in her younger twenties for about 3 months now.

I just recently put it all together and figured out that she's bipolar. Reading all about it and the stories was like I was reading about my girl and the relationship. It makes me happy to know these things now because I can stop the stupid fights and arguments and I can stop getting mad at her when it's not her fault.

I'll talk about a couple things I'd like help with for now and will ask more as time goes on and I need advice.

1st question: I was out with her the other night. Before we left, she was in a good mood. By the time we got to the spot 10 minutes later, she was very depressed. She was saying how she feels like dying. Then she asked me "why do you even like me?". Now I knew she was obviously down so I said some things about her and why I like her.

In the future, how should I answer these types of questions? When she's saying things about how she wants to just die and quit living, what can I do?

2nd question: she'll occasionally gets mad at me when I come over and do some of her chores when she's busy with school or a project. Sometimes she'll scream at me and say something like "I'm not a 5 year old! I can take care of my own house!".

Last time she did this, I didn't know what to do so I just left. In the future, what should I do that would instead solve the problem instead of me walking out?

3rd story: The other night was a bad one where she was saying stuff about how she doesn't see us long term even tho she really likes me but I will admit I was visually shaken and hurt from this. But I stood strong and continued our Xmas night out.

Later in the night when we get back and after I've given her a couple of gifts she really liked, she starts crying and reveals that she thinks she needs to leave because she'll be too much work for me and that I shouldn't have to deal with a "crazy person" as she put it.

Now I'm a strong dude and I know she has bipolar so that didn't affect me too much. She started crying and actually let me hold her, and so I did for a good 10 minutes as she cried.

Now I'm hoping I handled this night right. She immediately flipped into loving mode after the crying session. I would really want her to know that I CAN handle her mood swings and I want her to know that. Are there any other things I can do when she's in depressive and suicidal mode?

I can't even imagine what goes through the head of you all and it makes me sad to see people having to go through this their whole lives.

I'm a pretty darn strong dude and I actually love this relationship because when she's in a good mood, shes amazing! I've actually noticed this to be a trend with bipolar people - incredibly amazing. It's like you're the extremes of personality.

Anyway, thanks for reading and I appreciate all comments and advice!
Posted 12/22/2011 5:40 PM (GMT 0)
She needs professional help. Without treatment, bipolar disorder gets worse: episodes becomes shorter and more intense. This makes treatment more difficult and the chance of remission lower. Her symptoms are not managed now. If she is taking medications, they need to be adjusted. They are not working.

To the question "Why do you love me?" you can answer:

Do you think I don't love you?
Why do you ask me?
Are you feeling depressed?

Or you can always say the same answer. I love you because you are passionate and fascinating. (I picked those because they indirectly compliment her bipolarness.)

BUT...

Some of what you describe is more similar to borderline personality disorder than to bipolar disorder. Symptoms of the 2 disorders do overlap. However, the rapid and sudden changes in mood are more of a bpd thing. Anger outbursts can happen within manic episodes in bipolar disorder. But sudden unexpected anger outbursts are more of a bpd symptoms. Changing her mind about relationships. Intense fear of abandonment is an issue with bpd.

I bring this up because I have both bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. When I was most affected by bpd, I remember asking my ex "Why do you love me" or "Do you love me". I was desparate for comfort and reassurance.

NOW...

Your second question. I believe her outburst of anger is born out of fear. When she is depressed she can't take care of her house. She has intense fear that you will discover this. You act of kindess she interprets as you ACTUALLY thinking she can't take care of her house.

When my fiance and I were dating, we lived 45 miles apart. A lot of our dates were talking over grocery shopping or cooking. When we first met I was hypomanic, I cleaned most the night and only slept 2 or 3 hours. My house was CLEAN. 8 months later I slipped into depression and I fell behind in cleaning and had a slobby roommate too. I was mortified and I got irritable if he wanted to stay in.

Please demnbd that she get professional help. A relationship with a person with bipolar disorder and/or borderline personality disorder does NOT need to be this hard or dramatic. With proper treatment, a relationship can be almost normal. Meaning, there will have to be accomodations to both your lifestyle so she gets her best care. No alcohol. No smoking. No drugs. NO CAFFEINE. No staying up late. Carefully planning holidays and vacations with her Dr. Avoiding stress. With healthy changes, medications, and healthy coping skills, normal is possible.
Posted 12/23/2011 2:04 AM (GMT 0)
I also have Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder and I recognize myself in your post. I remember saying the same things to my husband. She needs professorial help. It will make a difference in the severity, duration and frequency of episodes. You will not be able to force her, but if you can point out the positive for her and your relationship, hopefully she will see the benefits. Good luck in your situation.
Posted 12/23/2011 3:01 AM (GMT 0)
Firstly, I think it's great that you are being so supportive of your girlfriend. I know it is hard to deal with. But your support will be so helpful to her.

The doctors and social workers that work with me see bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder as similar conditions on a spectrum. They talk more about emotional dysregulation and structure treatment to help stabilise my emotions through medication, therapy, and learning new coping mechanisms.

I saw myself in your post also because I have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. She needs to get treatment as soon as possible. I agree with tortoise. The longer you wait to go into treatment the worse it gets. I wish I had treatment when I was 18 or in my early 20s.

Try looking for hospitals or therapists in your area that offer Dialectical behavioural Therapy. That was incredibly helpful for my symptoms and just managing my life better. It's not as scary as psychoanalytic or psychodynamic therapy because you aren't going into your deep childhood issues that bring up all those feelings of abandonment. The therapist will teach her skills she can use here and now.

Good luck to both of you.
Posted 12/23/2011 3:30 AM (GMT 0)
I have not used DBT, but I agree that therapy that goes digging into the past is not always wise for a person with borderline personality disorder.

Has she been diagnosed with bipolar disorder? You weren't clear. If it is a conclusion you are drawn to (not a Dr.s diagnosis), I suggest some reading into borderline personality disorder. Either way, there are some hard conversations in the future.
Posted 12/23/2011 6:28 AM (GMT 0)
Ok thank you all so much, I will look into all of the suggestions you gave me.

It seems that literally every other day she either likes me or doesn't. Like yesterday, she was desperately seeking me out to hear from me. Today? Not even a simple text.

Tomorrow she will probably call me and then disappear again on saturday.

Is this BPD? I know she's on meds so I just assumed bipolar. Oops! I will look into BPD!
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