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Posted 12/31/2011 6:24 PM (GMT 0)
Hello,

I'm new to the forums (just found it a few days ago) and have been reading through it since I found it.

I have a wife, of 3 months, that was diagnosed with BP before she met me. We have been dating/living with each other for nearly 5 years now. She has not been taking meds or seeing a therapist in the entire time, short of taking an anxiety med when she feels anxious which was not very often.

She did not let me know about having BP until several months (6+) into the relationship at which point she and her two children were living with me and my son. To be honest I felt deceived but loved her enough to forgive her.

Arguments with her have gone to the extreme lately. When she gets mad or upset she ends up taking it out on the rest of the house. This usually ends up being me because if she starts losing her temper with the children I will quickly put myself in the mix and let her know that I will not tolerate it. This ends up causing her to turn her anger etc on me.

I have told her that I am at the end of my rope with her behavior and that she will get on her meds and start seeing a therapist. I told her that her actions are not only ruining our relationship but she scares her children when she gets angry. I believe her children being scared of her is what got through to her because she went the next day and saw a doctor who prescribed Seroquel (50mg) and told her she needs to start seeing a therapist.

That was two days ago and she is already complaining about the side effects (sleepy, unable to focus, no energy) and that she will not live her life feeling like this. I have told her that based on what I've read here, she most likely needs to be on more than one medication to give her the quality of life she can accept. My concern is that she is going to blow this off all together and return to her normal, unmedicated, routine.

If there is any advice that you have I would be greatly appreciative.

Happy New Year to you all.
Posted 12/31/2011 9:37 PM (GMT 0)
Hey there, you are in a bit of a rough patch with the med. I hated Seroquel when I first started it at 100mg. She is right about the side effects, but it takes time to adjust to the medicine. When does she take it? I took mine about an hour before bedtime, so then it helped me sleep and I wasn't so tired in the morning. When my doc got me up to 200mg we switched to the XR (extended release) That made a huge difference. But you don't want to increase to fast or she could experience some nasty problems. In addition I take Lithium. There is quite a few mixes of meds that one can be on, but many times the docs start with one to see how it effects symptoms. Usually it is a bit of trial and err.
Maybe you could encourage her to come on this forum to ask questions. There are alot of people here with alot of information and experience.
Best of luck to your family.
Posted 1/2/2012 3:30 PM (GMT 0)
Seroquel is a difficult medication to get onto. The lowest doses have the worst side effects! If the side effects are particularly vicious, switching to the XR (extended release) version can cause significant improvement.

Take care of her, encourage her. Remind her this phase will pass.

What might become difficult is if this med doesn't work and she has to start another. Expect it, it is the norm. It took 1 (hellish) year while working trial and error to find the right meds for me. It was worth it. I do get periods of remission / symptom free.
Posted 1/2/2012 4:13 PM (GMT 0)
CamanoGirl and Tortoise11,

Thank you very much for the information it is VERY much appreciated.

I had to confront her yesterday about the meds. I have been asking her each night before bed if she took her meds. That night before she told me she did but the next morning it was very obvious she had not. When I asked her about it that morning, she said she thought she did.

I took a moment by walking out of the room and compose myself then came back in and told her that she knew very well that I would not accept lying to each other and that it was VERY obvious she was lying to be about taking her meds. She immediately became defensive (which I expected) and told me that she is not going to have anyone counting her tablets (which I did to confirm my suspicion) to make sure she was taking them. She then told me that she would take her meds to work with her and take them there so I wouldn't be able to keep an eye on when she took them.

I told her at this point that I can't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do as well as letting her know that I am not fighting her but rather that she AND I are fighting her disorder. I asked her to please help me to help her because if she refuses to get help then our marriage will end up in a divorce. Her response to the divorce part was that she saw how much I cared for her (in a sarcastic tone) and that I only wanted her on drugs and being a zombie so I didn't have to argue with her. I told her that I don't want her to be a zombie, I want her to work with a therapist to find the right medications to allow her to live her life as close to normal as possible.

The one thing that I keep pointing out to her is that my research has shown that most people with BPD take more than a single medication but rather a "cocktail" of medications. I further told her that neither of us are experts on this and that is why she needs to go to see a therapist who is an expert.

She and I are scheduled to go see a marriage counselor this week where we will ask for a recommendation on a therapist for her. I have been adamant with her that seeing a therapist will not be put off and lying about her meds or taking them to work so I can't monitor them will not be accepted.

I'm not sure if my heavy handed approach is the best but I don't know what else to do at this point.

Thanks for letting me talk as well as providing me insight.
Posted 1/3/2012 3:33 AM (GMT 0)
There are three approaches in mood and med management in a relationship.

1.  The healthy partner controls medication, reports symptoms to Dr.'s.  The only times I've heard of this working in a healthy relationship is when the bipolar partner is temporarily too ill. Perhaps refusing medication or at risk of overdosing.  In general, it is a bad situation.  I've been in a relationship and have heard too many reports whenre this turned into physical violence.

2.  The healthy partner sets boundaries and essentially gives the bipolar spouse "enough rope to hang himself."  My relationship now is like this.  It's my responsibility to take care of myself.  If I am unwell, refusing treatment, etc., I know his patience is limited and he will end the relationship.  This motivates me even more to stay as well as possible.

3.  Some couples work it out as a team.  This is completely unique to each couple.  The healthy partner must take care to not enable unhealthy behavior patterns.  My personal opinion is that the couple comes to an agreement, put in writing.

I am personally a fan of #2.  It gives the healthy spouse an escape.  I don't necessarily mean divorce or emotional separation.  Especially when children are involved, it can be a tremendous relief for the bipolar spouse to live out of the family home, but visit and try to foster positive interaction.

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