At it again...

Why is it that it takes a huge fight for me to see what I'm doing?  A huge blow up involving one of us packing to leave before I can calm down?  I have felt so angry the last few weeks.  Not depressed or even moody but downright angry.  My fiance and I got into a fight tonight...I had never seen him cry before tonight.  I brought him to those tears...its tearing me up that I have hurt him as much as I have...I can be so mean and I don't even realize I am doing it until it's too late.  He told me that he loves me and that he lives for the moments that his best friend shines through...lately the person I have been is someone no one wants to be around, and rightfully so.  Not sure where to turn at this point.  Being so angry is exhausting.  Its late and Im so tired but I can't seem to unwind enough to sleep.  I see a new therapist this week and I pray she has some helpful advice because I have never felt so lost.

My parents were fighters, packers, see-ya-later-ers. I thought that was the way everyone was. My husband's parents were, well nothing. According to him they didn't really get into fights. So my husband and I were polar opposites.
'What's wrong Honey?' he would ask. 'Get out! I hate you!' I would scream. I was angry, mad, I could've thrown furniture, but I hate having to re-buy stuff so I never did. However once I was diagnosed, medicated, and in treatment we became like his parents.

I am sure that I broke his heart too many times to count.

Today I know that cognitive therapy is the key to my wellness. Whenever I get in that angry mood and I want to start kicking and screaming, because even now there are times when my brain just gets overloaded. I just think to myself, 'Is this a reasonable response to this situation? What would my life look like without him in it?' I keep saying that over and over again until I calm down. It is the hardest thing to do sometimes, but the payoff is well worth the work.

I hope you can sort things out soon, because we all know what it feels like to be that deep down in the dumps and that is no place you want to be. Take it from me- you will get better and things will brighten up. There is sunshine. :)