I Want to Cheat...No it's not a Hook...my Mind is Really Going There.

I don't know how I am going to explain this, but I'll going to try:

We can say any thing here, right? Okay...

I have a wonderful husband who takes care of me. He is successful, handsome, sweet, he gives me the world wrapped up with a red bow. My friends envy me. I know I have a great man. He has never used my illness against me, he has been nothing but loving and supportive, and I know he will stand by my side until the end of time. The one catch is that I have to take my medication and see my doctors. That is no problem.

Once upon a time I weighed 255 pounds and I was very upset about it. My husband paid to get me weight loss surgery. I lost 85 pounds. Then I wanted to look even better so he paid for me to get a full tummy tuck with all the bells and whistles. I looked good. I looked the way I did before I started taking all the bipolar medication. He also took me shopping and bought me clothes until my heart was content. He didn't do it for him, because he liked the way I looked at 255 pounds, he did it for me because I loved the way I looked at 160 pounds.


Now I must back up a little bit...before I had the weight loss surgery I had a real fear that if I lost my layers of fat that men would start to notice me and what if I would become weak? Not to brag but even when I was heavy men would flirt with me. I almost developed a relationship with a man who was very handsome- even more than my husband as he was a model. We were going to run away to the UK together. I didn't because I loved my husband and I didn't feel pretty enough to be more than his friends. The model and I are still good friends to this day. However, he did travel the world without me. I missed him. He had a lot of thin girls in bikinis in a lot of the pictures he posted on Facebook. But the model would always send me a picture of himself standing outside a Starbucks from all the different countries he visited. Starbucks was our thing. He was a good friend.

The model wasn't the only man interested in me either. My husband was aware of all the others, but he wasn't bothered, because him and I were bonded. He was right. I never strayed. Most of the time I was just flattered.

But now that I was in the process of shedding my weight I was worried how would I handle the extra attention if it did come my way? I was fearful to say the least. When I got my plastic surgery I had even more fear. But my husband has kept himself in the number one position by being so kind and loving towards me.

Until now...

Last fall I was tired, weak, my joints hurt, it was like I turned 80 over night. I went for lab work and after several test it was confirmed that I have chronic kidney disease. We were worried (I was worried) for the month of January, but then decided to get over it. I decided to take care of myself be positive and do everything possible to feel better.

Yeah, but only now my husband wants nothing to do with me. He barely even kisses me good night. It's been three months. Finally I put my 'sexy' on and did my best to get him interested. He wanted none of that.

Here is the crux of my problem: it took everything I had not to get out of bed put on my sexy clothes, high heeled boots, get in my car, and go find a man to want me. I had to hold onto the bed for dear life. 'Somebody will want me.' is what I kept thinking. I stayed home all day yesterday because I was afraid of my own shadow. How could I think those thoughts? These are the actions that I feared the most.

I told him about my feelings when he came home and he held me and told me that he understands that my mind goes to places like that. He told me that he is sorry that he is treating me like I am 'breakable' and he will have to get over that. I love him for that.

But now it seems like that box has been open and I keep thinking about doing crazy things...
I am not a cheater...but my brain isn't helping me at all.

Yay! Good choices for you. I hope you have a lovely evening.

UPDATE:

I feel so good about myself today. Yesterday we had our date. We were supposed to do dinner and a movie but I thought we needed more than that. So I went to the flower shop bought a dozen roses, went to the store bought a million candles, went to chocolate store bought expensive chocolate, went to the card shop and bought a sappy love card, and then got some white wine.

I came home tacked the card to the front door, made a rose petal trail to the bathroom, lit the candles, put out the chocolate, poured the wine, played the music, and filled up our huge tub with water and rose petals. I am going to edit the rest....

Anyways, we ended up at some cheesy diner laughing our heads off, and I realized that I needed to assure him that I wasn't going to 'drop dead' anytime soon. He loves me more than anything. I am very lucky person.

I know that I would not really cheat on him. It's just one of those things that go through my head and it scares the crap out of me, because I love him so much. It's funny where I minds go, especially when we have BPD. But we need to realize that we are stronger than any thought in our head- we have the control.

I have been putting off losing the 10 extra pounds I gained from having my thyroid issues because it made me feel better to stay a little bigger. Today I vowed to get those pounds off. Let the men look. :)

Thanks for reading...even if I am a total dork.

Congrats, that's awesome.
Bill