Why is it harder now i am diagnosed?

      I am 29 yrs old and have suffered with BiPolar since I was 15/16 yrs old.  I have been treated for depression and have been on and off anti-depressants since then.  In December 2010 i was diagnosed BiPolar, I was told it was Cyclothymia which couldnt be further from the truth (total under-diagnosis)  I wasnt asked many questions and at the time I was in a reasonably good mood and couldnt really recollect my depressive states.  I truely believe I am BiPolar 2 Rapid Cycling.  Since being diagnosed I have had at LEAST 6 manic and depressive states.  It is exhausting for me and my fiance as we have 2 children under 6yrs old.  I was given Duloxetine and Seroquel and told 'this will tell us if you are true BiPolar or not'  my depressive states have progressed into suicidle states, I took an overdose when I was 16 and honestly seeing the hurt I caused has made sure I would never ever do it again, my children are my world I could never ever in a million yrs do anything to harm myself and have my children grow up without me, this in a way makes it harder when i feel i want and need to end my life, i convince myself that i was never meant to be born and have no place in this world.  this states last approx 3days then i start to feel 'normal'-ish (like i am now) i am able to be kinda rational and calm, i also know that in a few days to a week i will be on spending sprees, having arguments, being abusive ( i have a very vicious tongue and frighten myself sometimes), I am also only intimate with my partner as i am just coming into my mania/hypomania (dnt know as i havent been told or even seen since diagnosis )  and that only last 3 nights at most.  I feel so sorry for my partner as he is dealing with a lot from me and i still accuse him of being useless   

Since being diagnosed i find that my family never say BiPolar, they never say anything at all about it really, my dad has had very bad experience with his mum growing up, pretty horrific, my mum is a bit of an osterich and tells me i need to stop myself spending and snap out of depressive states, i cant...if i could i would.  It feels like i am slowly losing my life and it is not important     i am on my own all day and have one friend i see occasionaly but the rest is weighting on my partner. My character is very generous, caring, funny, optimistic, creative and extremely empathetic, no-one notices these, only my 'bad' bits     I have always been a good mummy and lately i am really struggling, i take my youngest (who isnt in school yet) to the park once in a blue moon, it is only when i am experiencing the 'euphoric' part of mania that i go out with her and am completely comfortable with it.  I have had a really terrible streak of bad luck all my life ranging from  AIDS scares to being sexually attacked more than 3 times to having to choose whether or not to keep my last pregnancy (april 2010).  I was 15 wks pregnant and my waters went,  each time a bit of water filled it would just go again, i got as far as 5 mths pregnant with no amniotic fluid and he was showing signs of deformities to head and i was told if his lungs were not formed properly they would not be able to keep him alive when/if born.  I had an induced labour and it was the hardest thing i have ever been through.  i shut down completely and did not even care i was 2 mths behind in my rent!   I would really appreciate any help/wisdom on how to live with it and also ANY questions will be answered 100% truthfuly as i would like to think i am also helping others who may relate to this post. There is so much more to post its just another part of my BiPolar doesnt let me focus on one thing, when i write, i jump from one thing to another and miss out the main point i was trying to make    apologies i seem to have rambled, this is the first time in 13/14 yrs i am able to talk to people who know what i am going on about and all of a sudden i am trying to get 16 yrs worth in to a few paragraphs

I really look forward to reading replies, thank you so much for reading my post xxxx