spouse just diagnosed with bipolar. QUESTIONS

Husband just diagnosed with bipolar & have questions. I have seen little if any signs of depression from him but a lot of mean and agitated states as well as being the best at everything and knowing everything life of the party very important persona.

This is long (lol) so I put my questions first and my story last…

How can a person be diagnosed in only one visit?

Is a person’s poor behavior due to bipolar or other issues and how do you determine that?

Is a person with bipolar not responsible for their actions and hurt they cause others or can we only blame the disease? How can you determine if it is only due to bipolar?

Does a person experiencing mania or hypomania have zero control over themselves for months at a time?

Does a person with bipolar not know what they are saying or doing and not think the thoughts that they say? (beyond having an almost non-existant filter/reaction time… )

If they have zero control and do not know what they are doing, how do they say/do these things without thinking them first?

I am told by him that I cannot be mad at him for his behavior and emotional abuse because it is not his fault. How can I accept that he is not culpable or responsible at all, not even the slightest, for his behavior toward me? How can I look at the person who has hurt me time and time again beyond all boundaries and say it does not matter? How do my feelings and emotional mental well being not matter? I find it difficult to do this as I have finally found the courage to stand up for myself.

I am told by him that I am selfish and it is horrible of me to not want to give him another chance because he now has bipolar and should be excused. Saying this I really do want him to get help and get better… I just can’t face dealing with him for the rest of my life. At this point I have nothing left to give and I feel like I am fighting for myself and my own sanity. Does this make me a bad person? Can I not offer support as a friend and co-parent without subjecting myself to the constant daily battle and misery?

I admit that I have been slightly depressed lately because I feel as though I have no choice. I asked him to leave before the diagnosis, he refuses and puts the guilt trip on me. He is making plans for us and redecorating and he knows that I have not changed my mind. Outside of this situation I am not depressed and feel as though as long as I am making a conscious effort towards my life I am fine handling lifes ups and downs. He suggests that since he is trying to make me happy and I am not responding that I should take Zoloft or another antidepressant because it could really help me. I have no issue with myself or anyone else taking medications when it is needed but I find it an issue to use these if you do not need them or to medicate yourself to be able to stand a situation you don’t agree with.

Is there ever a point where someone is allowed to say enough is enough? I feel like I have already done that . Do I really have to give him another chance because of this new diagnosis?

I feel as though with everything I have been through I need time to myself away from this to heal. Is my mental and emotional health not as important as his? How much am I to sacrifice?

Is his healing dependant on my standing by him? He said I am the only constant in his life and he cannot do this without me.

Any input from people who have bipolar as well as their spouses would be great.

My story: Have been in a relationship with husb. for 18 years have 2 children together. We have had a few separations and I have filed for divorce 2 times all due to irresponsible behavior, lack of respect, emotional neglect, money/job issues excessive drinking, putting friends ahead of family, cheating. He has always ruled the roost and we have pretty much lived our lives based on his moods. When he wants something, no matter my opinion, he will get it or make it happen (which has resulted in many financial problems). He has always been the go to guy, life of the party for everyone outside of our house. He is highly intellegent, overtly sexual and controlling. I have always accepted him back when he promises to change and says that he loves me more than anything. I have always felt that if he was truly willing to try that I could not deny this as it is the right thing to do to stay in a marriage. The "show" would last a couple of months and things would go back to usual as soon as he was comfortable.

Last time we were separated we decided after a month and a half to go to councelling to see if we could save the marriage both agreeing not to see anyone during this time. He lied and went back and forth between me and another woman and got her pregnant 4 months later. We decided to work things out (I was so confused but he said I had to decide that moment or it was over).

This past year I have been yelled at and berated for having an emotional moment due to this child’s birth. I was neglected emotionally. He told me he was under too much pressure and to back off a bit and so I did (he now blames me for that). I have gone beyond the normal wifely duties for him “intimately” and done things beyond my comfort zone yet when I was no longer doing them he yelled at me during our “intimate relations” brought up other womens names during and said he has spoiled me sexually. He became angry and mean/short with everyone in the house. I was always wrong, made fun of in a “joking”manner, put down and eventually after months of this he blew up. I was told I was a horrible person, a nasty person, the most selfish person in the world, all my friends are *****s, how he could have cheated on me and how someone else wants to be with him and he could go there anytime he wants, how I have done nothing but be a bit++ and treat him like sh++, that he is not going to put up with me and is going to leave me. He has questioned me about my time away from the house (as rediculas as why it took me so long at grocery store), accused me of cheating, grabbed my arms/neck on several occasions, told me how he wants to choke or wished I choke and die in my sleep or die in a car accident on my way home, caused a seen and broke things at our local hang out, chased me down, disabled my car so I could not leave, dominated my time away from him… All of this while dealing with his lack of work issues going through getting our gas and water shut off multiple times.

I did nothing to deserve these things and I realized that this was emotional/verbal abuse and I was no longer willing to accept it. I have looked up tons of info on emotional abuse he cannot deny he does most all of it and it even pointed me to narcissism and he has very high traits in that area too. You would not believe all of the stuff it I told you. He defended all of his actions and words with his “facts” of why it was normal for him to act that way and came up with things I did to validate the words he called me. I told him it was over, he refused to accept it and apologized. I did not change my mind and he went off the handle again making up atrocious lies to turn me away from my friends (my support). I asked him to leave by the end of the month. He now admits he has a problem and thinks he is bipolar… went to 1 appointment and was diagnosed then and there. Now taking meds 4 weeks in and still agitated very easily. I have not changed my mind because I cannot handle any more, but still I do not force him out because I care about him and his mental health. I feel so stuck and like my pain does not matter because all of the abuse can now be dismissed… but it is still there. I don’t want to be a bad person but I don’t want to live the rest of my life in misery or stay with someone out of guilt. I want to believe that my needs are equally as important without being a selfish person. Tired of crying inside everyday and fighting this internal battle every day (that I already decided to chose life for myself and now I have this diagnosis that mixes it all up).

Yes, bipolar can be diagnosed in one session. However it is probably equally as common for a psychiatrist to wait until s/he has personally witnessed the diagnostic criteria.

No, people with bipolar disorders are able to take responsibility for their actions. To what extent depends on a lot of things. I was a very inhibited person, and my mood cycles are very short. I've gotten myself into mild financial trouble, but never legal. Bipolar disorder can explain actions, but never excuses them.

Now that he knows what is wrong he will have to get proactive in treatment. Unfortunately, you can't do this for him. If he starts trying, taking meds, going to Dr. appointments you might want to stay a while and see if things improve. Be aware that it can take a year to find medication that works. If he refuses treatment, the abuse will continue and it may be time to move on.

Husb is taking medication. How long until you can tell if they are stable? How can I know that he is not going to be emotionally abusive, controlling and manipulative in the future? How do I know what is because of the bipolar and what is just who he is as a person? How do I separate it?

I guess I just don't know that the risk is worth if for all that I have been through. Can I survive another heartbreak by him? I am only human and I do not want to be stupid for the umpteenth time by allowing him in my life like that again. I guess I came to the realization that if you have given someone chance after chance maybe you need to just move on.

Should I abandon my decision to move on with my life to have a hope for the future? Should I shove down all of this pain and hurt he has caused again to give him another chance based only on the fact that he has been diagnosed with bipolar? It is so hard to live in a situation when even on the good days I have to defer to him to not upset him and he will always be right and there is no arguing with him. I have lost many nights of sleep because he wanted to argue over the most meaningless things and I was not allowed to say im done or enough.

Are you looking for an excuse to leave him? You don't need an excuse. If you know in your heart it is right... then it is right.

Thank you so much for the honesty and the information you have offered. I just want to feel ok and not take anything away from what he is going through. I don't want to be a bad person and of course I will always love him, you cant be with someone for all of these years and not have that.

I wish you the best in your life.

Thanks again!