work drama, lol - OK not so funny, causing anxiety/panic problems

I quit trying to cooperate and get along, but I think I will again.

I am happy because every major change gives opportunity for more change. I'm pretty sure the receptionist's issues are from mym memory and cognition problems from being on so much medication. I feel so free to be able to think clearly - not hypomanic crazy - but have an average memory and average ability to process verbal/visual information.

Maybe if I am well enough to be on low meds for long enough, she'll get over it? Every issue has been resolved. I am very polite to her WHEN she is decent. If she relays a message I thank her, for example. But other than that we do not talk, or make eye contact.

But today, I was stuck at work filling in for the one who quit and had nothing to do. So I started cleaning out a cabinet that people put their snacks in. I tossed a bag of marshmallows and crackers - both were left open and were more than a year expired. And she's like "let's not throw away other people's things" in a hostile tone, I replied "even when it's 1 year expired?" in a you're ******* crazy tone.

Then again, she lost her cool (maybe 2 months ago - I posted about it then) and swore at me. I walked out, quit. I was begged to come back to work and got like $3K in new equipment and she got a written reprimand. I think the same thoughts, just know better than to say them. ;) So her grudge might extend further because of that incident.

Doing OK. Went back to work and finished cleaning. I got my service dog's ID cards in the mail and that hugely improves my mood, gives confidence.

Planning on a quiet afternoon and going dancing tonight.

Ugghh, today was awful. I started thinking about going to open dance - good things, like people I love, music I like, trying to remember the dance moves lol, and I started having panic attacks. I was in bed all afternoon.

My fiance drove to my hometown to drop off my son (thank god), I stopped in to the dance studio to tell them I wasn't well enough to dance. It did lift my mood right away with the music and chatting with the ladies for a minute. My fiance and I went for a walk in a park and sat down to talk. It was nice. I was getting anxious and exhausted on the way home. I'm in bed, lights out. and seriously hoping to get lucky tonight. ;)

Today is worse. I tried to get up a couple times this morning but was just laid out from anxiety. Puked a bunch. (Which got my fiance's attention that I'm not just lazy or faking.) Puked up my meds. I'm physically not dealing with the warm tempertures today. We went to a greenhouse together but I had to sit indoors the whole time. I'm so discouraged and frustrated. I'm too overwhlemd to list everything stressing me out - my usual and very effective way to deal with anxiety. I want to sleep forever. (But I'm not depressed....yet).

Sorry you are feeling so crappy. I don't really have any advice. It sounds like you are taking some good steps. Just hoping that you get feeling better soon.

I did drag myself out shopping last night. I was an anxious mess but I did ge out of the house.

I am good today! Delicate though, it wouldn't much take much to set me off into any different mood or anxiety state.

I went home and napped on my lunch break. I had about an hour left after lunch and I cam home and slept after that. And I woke up FEELING GOOD! For this first time in days! I went back to work for about a 1/2 hour. I'm going to take another little nap here and see if I can cook supper without having a meltdown. What a relief.

Tortoise, I really admire your ability to work. I think us Bipolars are a sensitive lot and small things that normies take in stride are magnified tenfold to us. Sometimes it just gets rough and rocky...dealing with this strange world. My life is pretty messy at times, but like you, I just have to maneuver the rapids until I straighten out. I love your honesty and sharing of the good and the bad times. It sounds like you are floating in the calm waters of the pool at the end of the waterfall ride. I hope all is well and wish you peace.

red lightening said...
Perhaps the seas will be calmer now. Stress in the workplace is difficult for anyone...esp. Bipolars. I cycle more when exposed to the energy of difficult people. I literally have to talk to myself and say...calm down...you are going to be ok. Hopefully the environment will be more peaceful.

Omg! Glad its not just me... I'm new to all of this, just found out last week... Is there any job that is safe? or rather any place that is easier or any advice on dealing with this stuff??