This Sounds Crazy

I've lived the better part of the past twelve years in at the very least a hypomanic state.  Sometimes full blown mania.  Now I"m on this miracle drug.  And for me Abilify has been a miracle.  The mania is evening out and I feel I guess like everyone else.  Normal.  The odd thing is that I HATE it.  I think i was happier manic.  I don't know how to be normal.

Everything has been knocked down several notches and it doesn't seem as intense as it was before.  Like sounds are muted and colors are not as vivid.  Not all literally, but surely someone knows what I mean.  Even food has lost it's flavor.

How do I accustom myself to normalacy?  I heard so many times that I would be so happy when I evened out.  If this is even I'm not sure I want any part of it.  I can still feel all the emotions I felt before but all my intensity is gone.  What kind of life is this.  Is this even living?  Where did I go.  I believe that my identity is scrambled up in that manic state I killed with this drug.  I just want ME back.

It totally sucks big time, doesn't it?

What I can tell you is finally after living with mania since my teens, I stuck it out.  For months I didn't even know who I was.  It was like, my whole personality was gone.  Empty.  Dead.  I grieved for my mania.  I kept thinking the same thing you do - if this is normal, I want to be sick.  I had to actually learn who I was all over again.  How to think differently.  It's almost like being born all over again.  I know that sounds dramatic, but for the ones of us who are extremely ill and have lived this way our whole lvies, it is.  We don't know anything else, except the dark place, of course.

If you will stick it out, you will probably find a beautiful person underneath it all, just let her out.  The lack of motivation will pass, it may take a while.  Just take it in slow steps, don't give in to the mania monster.  When you get truly leveled out (you aren't there yet), it will feel amazingly good and you won't want to go back.  But it does take time, and different amounts for each of us.

Ellie and Kittycat, trust me on this one.  I have seen other people go through it and also myself.  It's a very hard road to travel to get to Oz, but then again, has your life been a picnic so far?

Hang in there!!!

I am so sorry you're feeling crappy today.  I still have those days - don't get me wrong I don't live in fantasyland at all!!!  Even stabilized there are mood swings, just not dangerous or unbearable.   Smaller ones, annoying ones.  But there are far more good days than bad.

I wonder why you say you're selfish for wanting to be better NOW. What is selfish about that????

You are far from selfish - staying up all night and physically walking for charity?  I wouldn't even do that for money, now who's selfish LOL!

The concern I have is that it will depress you to get off sleep schedule.  Staying up all night???>???  NO!  Unless you usually work nights and sleep during the day, of course.  It is crucial you  get on a strict sleep schedule, do whatever it takes to sleep.  If your meds don't do the job, talk to the pdoc about increasing doses (antipsychotics almost always work if the right dose!)

If I get off schedule just one day, go to bed just 1 hour late, I pay the next day big time in mood and am very fatigued.  I am a work out finatic, so it isn't that I'm weak and out of shape!!!!

You will have less severe swings with decent sleep, I promise.  Of course, avoid caffeine and alcohol especially the several hours before bedtime.  Alcohol may make you drowsy, but causes you to awaken in the night and not go back to sleep.

You will have to learn that staying well isn't all up to the medicine.  If you don't "baby" yourself with strict routines, healthy food, excercise and lower stress, you will find it harder.  It's an everyday effort, I want you to know, but is so worth it.

I am so glad you were encouraged, please don't forget what I said, even when you're down and more likely to be apathetic and pessimistic.  I know every single thing you think and  feel.  Feel free to talk to me anytime, OK hon?

Shannon