First post in this forum

Hello,

My name is Brian and I'm 53. I've been a member here for some time and normally post in the depression forum but realise I may be better off here. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Major Depression some 17 years ago and have been medicated since. I've gone through many therapies, meds and even more peaks and valleys. I have 3 kids in their 20's and am separated. I'm struggling now to put my daughter through university alone, maintain a close relationship with my youngest son, living 100 miles away and the estrangement from my eldest son. I'm lucky to have a good, secure job but struggle daily to 'maintain' and operate efficiently and with the expected level of professionalism. Although nobody knows it - not my siblings, parents, kids or friends (who number less than a handful) - I barely make it pay cheque to pay cheque, often having to choose between food and utilities.

Right now, I'm experiencing a pretty dark low period, partly due to my Fibromyalgia - I ran out of painkillers last week - and partly due to my financial and social situation. I have no life outside work, only see my daughter for short periods while she attends school and see my son maybe 4 times a month when I drop his sister off to go home as they live with their mother.

My one real connection was with my sister who I lost last year to cancer. I find myself filled with dread every night as sleep comes only after hours of restless wandering thoughts of what I've done, left undone, should have done, shouldn't have done. I live with a constant feeling of inadequacy and shame.

My only peace comes when I cycle - something I took up last fall. It helps the depression and I am definitely in better physical condition than I have been.

I'm just really low and needing to vent. I know this low will pass but I'm not feeling that I can climb up the back slope to that plateau where the suns shines. 'God grant me the serenity...'

Brian

Brian, Hang in there the sun always rises again tomorrow. I have had Bipolar for 12 years and lately things have been going really well. I have to attribute it to doing everything I am suppose to do with no excuses...nothing negative...I listen to worship music...read positive messages...only watch positive TV if any at all...I go to therapy faithfully both one on one and group...go to church faithfully...engage in social functions at first it was uncomfortable but now I am the social coordinator....take my meds without excuses....volunteer....I keep busy even when I don't feel like it. I am not saying that this is the formula for you but it works for me and I know that having bipolar makes me need to keep busy. There was a time when I wanted to climb into a hole and my Doctor was telling me that was ok. Well it isn't I am intelligent, gifted, and have something to offer this world and so do you. One day at a time but wake up tomorrow and force yourself to smile and dance it feels good or at least silly... trust me... know one but the big guy is watching and he likes to see us have fun....its infectious. Oh yeah pray...I'll be praying for you too.