HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

New Member Introduction - Kavrozeus

Support Forums
>
Bipolar Disorder
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 7/24/2013 7:47 AM (GMT 0)

Kavrozeus said...
I think I might have Bipolar Disorder, I am 18 and have never been to a therapist or licensed professional (in fact I have never seen a dentist before and had one physical when I was like 13), but there is so much chaos in my head, I have had all the symptoms like illusions of grandeur, episodes where I will stare in the mirror picking at any little imperfection I can get my hands on, screaming matches in my head to the point where my head hurts, and periods of mania followed by crashes into deep manic depression. I am approaching senior year of high school (September birthday complications put me one year behind) and still living at home. I feel trapped, I am in summer school to recover from the destruction I did to my grades last year, and I am already seeing a come-back in the summer school program now, and I am afraid that I will fail high school. I keep on telling my mom that I want to see a specialist just to give me an all clear (only until recently did the pain in my head get to a point where I cannot just resolve things in my head like I always could, before I thought I was fine with hearing voices, talking to imaginary beings in imaginary realms, and having my regular mood swings, but things have gotten so hard and I feel so lost). I keep on seeing myself in a therapist's office crying in his (I always imagine a male therapist) arms asking to just make it stop and just don't let me suffer alone. My strength is failing and I cannot go on like this, I need help and feel so trapped, no one will listen and an assignment is due tomorrow and I don't want to fail summer school too. I don't know what to do, I can't sleep with all this pandemonium in my head, it hurts; it's like my mind is cracking, like the foundation of myself is crumbling and I am disintegrating and falling into some chasm, that is what it feels like. I am so afraid that this will never stop. I have all these amazing ideas and passions and nowhere to go with them, meanwhile I am caged with a cracking mind and a damaged heart. I have been gay for two years now, almost three now, and experience regular crushes and crumbles as I call them, where I will see myself in a relationship with a guy, blind to any evidence contradicting my belief that a particular person is gay, and then I will realize the impossibility of the dream and go into a depressed and lonely state where life seems worthless and barren. I have issues with sexuality, being eighteen doesn't help of course, but I have already developed an insatiable sexual appetite that makes things worse because it causes all of my friendships (especially with guys) to crumble, leaving me feeling even more alone. I don't know what to do, where to go, or how to go on living like this, I don't know if I have bipolar, I might, otherwise I have this fear that I am just a sick, twisted, perverted, and narcissistic person. I go through these stages of exaltation where I feel like a god, and then days later stages of belittlement where I will look at myself and all aspects of my life, past present and future, with disgust. I have been picking at my skin all over since I was like 11 or 12, and haven't stopped. I have pinkish colored spots all over my fingers and feet, I have acne scars all over my shoulders and back. Sometimes I feel like my body is falling apart, like I am wasting away, and it terrifies me. I have moments where I feel like I have some extraordinary destiny and other moments when I do not fear death, and other moments when I welcome death like an old friend, where I wish I would just die and save the world and myself the pain and struggle. I know I need help regardless of my mental health, but this is a lead I am investigating, I just don't know how to tell my mom that I really need help and that I think something is really wrong inside my head.

Posted 7/24/2013 7:54 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Kav,

You are 18, you are free to go to a psychiatrist without involving your parents. I think it is a wise choice to get help - sooner rather than later.

Between now and waiting for an intake appointment, please work on meditation to quiet your mind. Normally I would encourage mood tracking. But if your mind and mood are all over the place, mood tracking might cause anxiety.

BTW, it's against forum rules to discuss self-harm. But we understand! Many of us (including myself) have struggled or continue to struggle with self-harm.
Posted 7/24/2013 6:27 PM (GMT 0)
Alright, now that I am a little more collected, I would like to introduce myself not as a potential sufferer but as the individual that I am. My name is Xavier Guidroz (the name is french in origin though I am American through and through), and I am fascinated with the world that surrounds me.

The only problem is, this fascination and enthusiasm often leads to an ancient fear, the fear of the unknown, the fear that all might not end well, and it is that fear that causes me to lose hope so severely.

I love music from all around the world: pop/electronic/techno-trance from the US, UK, Germany, France, Turkey (specifically Tarkan and Murat Boz), Iceland (GusGus, Hjaltalin, Sigur Ros, and Bjork to name a few), and Enigma from Romania (since Michael Cretu is Romanian and I think he did his recordings there as well).

Anyway, I have aspirations of being a physicist, musician, poet, author, and philosopher. I have so much I want to do, like travelling the world, and possibly becoming a professor of ecology or environmental engineering one day. There is only one problem, while I have the mental capacity of mad scientist, I keep on finding myself battling this chaotic force in my head which is the only thing that makes it harder to do the things I want to do with my life.

I just wanted to share, because I know that I was in pain when I came here, still am to some degree, but I guess I am in a mild phase of depression which is good because that means I at least am remotely functional. I don't know where I will be in a few hours, but for now I can at least do things and talk to people. Thank you for anyone taking interest, or at least taking the time to read this and care. I am not Christian, I am more eclectic, but right about now anything goes, any kind of help is much appreciated, thank you all for being here and allowing me to be here and listening to me like I am not just another teenager going through a phase.
Posted 7/24/2013 8:13 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Xavier

I can truly relate to your problems but have never been able to express it as eloquently as you have. In my experience putting your abundance of moods and chaos in your mind into words is already the first step.

I cannot afford a well paid psychiatrist or any medication. Hell, I have been diagnosed by a councilor on my campus who recommended that I see a real doctor. Like that happened.

It is like your mind never shuts down and you constantly think of different things at the same time. For me it causes insomnia which means that I struggle in class because I never seem to have slept enough. It is a struggle that sets me behind the rest of my class and means that I always feel like I am behind on everything which in turn causes anxiety.

Before I came to university I did not have a clue as to what I wanted to be. I wanted to be an artist, a historian, a writer, a physicist, a politician and a chemist. And I still want to do most of them. I decided on chemist based on the fact that my main attribute is a deep sense of curiosity and it is the only area that will satisfy it completely. And even though you study one thing, you can always do something else on the side. I still paint on the side (especially when I am depressed) and I am on a number of student bodies at the same time. Staying busy keeps my mind occupied in a good way so that it doesn't go running off with me.

As for the self-harm issues, I have been struggling with it since I was 10. I still do and I completely agree with the feeling that your body is falling apart. It sucks, but I cannot help you on beating that devil for it is something you need to work through on your own.

I have found a way to compartmentalize my mind. I take only one thing at a time and focus all my energy on that one thing at a time. Then I move on to the next thing. It makes me feel better sometimes.

As for the rapid cycling mood swings, it tends to take the wind out of you sometimes. I found that writing it all down helped me, but as Chloe43 said, it can cause anxiety if you can't get it all down of seeing it on paper makes you unhappy. You need to find a way that works for you. Meditation is also a way to go if you are so inclined.

Working through this is a deeply personal thing and you need to find a way that works for you. I have found a way to get a degree and am now a postgraduate only because I found a way to make it work.

I hope it gets better for you as well.

@nnick
Posted 7/25/2013 12:59 PM (GMT 0)
Xavier,

Were you feeling "collected" or hypomanic when you wrote your second post?
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply